Is anyone else the child of their mums first marriage and feels like they have no family?

[Ledkr]

It's taken me years to post this but I so desperately need to get it out.

My mum had me and my brother with my dad who was not a very nice man. We had quite a few difficult unsettled years of moving around and being very poor but in the whole I had a happy childhood.

My mum remarried when I was 12 and my brother 9. My step dad is a nice man but never really took on parenting us in any way.

My mum hadn't my two sisters when I was 14 and 16 and I was pretty much unparented from then on.

I did what I wanted, had little encouragement to do well at school and little interest in my life. Unsurprisingly I was pregnant by 17 and left home to live with a very violent man (whole other thread)

I saw a lot of my mum and sisters as we had similar aged children so did lots together.

Fast forward now to them having their own families and I feel so pushed out and as if I don't have a family.

They do Christmas together, holidays, get together etc. My mum always has their children and hardly ever mine and if I ask she's not that keen whereas she seeks out to have theirs.
I get invited to things in the same way as a cousin or aunt would.

For clarity I have a seven year old so close in age to their children and they all love each other and play nicely.

She never comes to my house but willl get two buses to see my sister.
They are always prioritised over me. When I'd had some surgery last year she offered to come up then cancelled as my sister was tired so she had to help her.

I could literally go on and on but it would take too long.
It's actually having such an effect on my mental health though. Dh keeps me going and is brilliant and I am so lucky.

I have never really said anything as I just know the fallout will be so great. My mum will get upset, my sisters will stick together and find a way to blame me.
They have followed a very conventional path and I'm seen as the black sheep as I am outspoken, been married twice, work in a very worth while caring job which I gained through hard work and not university. I have lots of friends, my children are fab, I do voluntary work on my days off, I'm actually a nice person but my family make me feel like shit.

Any advice or sympathy would be great.

Have you tried talking to your mum about how you feel?

She may not even realise how she is behaving is pushing you away. If your sisters gang up on you for speaking your mind, well honestly screw them. If they are nice, considerate people they will listen to your concerns.

Once again thanks so much for replying. I feel better just for getting it off my chest and hearing I'm not alone.
I'm feeling it worse at the moment because Christmas is looming and Dh is working so I'll be alone while they all enjoy their Christmas together, wouldn't dream of asking me. Luckily ds' are ace and my dil is like a sister to me so we will all be together.
I have cut contact massively but I feel this give them more excuse to isolate me further and not include us.
To be honest I'd cut them out completely but for my children, I worry I'd something happens to me they'd have even less family.

Do your children see the difference in treatment? Tbh if they perceive it, it may be better to quietly let the relationship drift because being treated as second best by your grandparents has to hurt and maybe affect their self esteem

Hey boys are adults and see it but feel more hurt for me than themselves. We laugh and take the piss about it really.
My 16 year old Dd is annoyed by it but has her own lovely life and we moan and bitch about it but laugh too, my little one doesn't notice it as much I don't think as she has a lovely set of gps and a lovely big family with us.
My brother knows but he lives in France so is removed from it and as he doesn't see much of them, likes to keep the peace.
He said something last Xmas when I was not invited to a post Xmas get together and his very feisty French girlfriend did as well and was literally fuming with them.

I was always loved but your situation sounds very similar. I would never bring this up with my mother as it would lead to her blanking me (she has done this before when we have argued and can go on for months). Basically my bother and I were from her first marriage to my alcoholic father. Without going in to too much detail she had a pretty tough time. When she met and married my step dad, and they went on to have my half sister, I think a lot of her problems were solved. She’s said as much that she was able to “enjoy” her second chance.
She’s also said both me and my brother were “always going to be ok” while my sister has always played on being emotional, needy and very immature. And my parents actually encouraged this as they were able to “save” her.
Contact has been patchy but it has been better since my step dad passed away. I still don’t think it’d matter to my family if the didn’t see me again (not in a dramatic way - I just don’t register on their radar). However I’m desperate for my daughter to know her family (she’s an only child and my husband died s few years ago).
I try to see it that people can only give what they can emotionally.
I agree you are seen in the “adult” role - possibly because you had kids (yours and your half siblings) at the same this has been exacerbated.
But I do know though that it hurts like hell. And suppresses your confidence and self esteem.
I try to take it as a compliment that I’m seen as so independent and strong.

Decide on the course that hurts you the least. Is some contact better than none. Choose what you are willing to accept. That’s all you can do x

I'm seen as the black sheep as I am outspoken, been married twice, work in a very worth while caring job which I gained through hard work and not university. I have lots of friends, my children are fab, I do voluntary work on my days off,

tbh ledkr you sound like a strong (and rather lovely and interesting) character.

ledkr ‘friends are the family you choose for yourself’

I never understand why people are so thoughtless, especially family members.

Nurture those relationships that prioritise you, wherever they may come from.

(()) to you..family can be utter crap

Thanks everyone I'm sat in bed next to my snoring but kind and lovely dh and you are all right.
Thanks for understanding.

how are you today Ledkr?

I'm fine thanks for asking. I've lived with it for so long to be honest it just crops up ever now and then especially as this year dh is working xmas and ao it highlights my lack of extended family

yeah, in a way you just learn to live with and around it and then it sinks into the background mostly. It never goes fully to sleep.

Will you actually be alone this Christmas or will you be at home with the children? I was often alone at christmas for a long time and various friends used to invite me, though it's very far from being a -family- christmas.

I get it. Not me but DH. He may as well not exist as far as his family are concerned. Out of sight = out of mind and naturally all effort to maintain a relationship must come from him. We haven't seen or spoken with them for years - no argument, just as a result of waiting to see how long it would take for them to make an effort. It never happened.

Not alone no, with the children. It's just that for years my mum said they like xmas at home until my sisters got their own place and then they go to theirs every year!
Prior to this my mum didn't even stay after my wedding as it was on xmas eve. We only had a posh curry after but they were far too busy to stay 😩

oh Ledkr ... You should have had so much better

That’s so awful OP 😞 I cannot understand how a mother could behave like this. Cruel and stupid. So sorry.

It’s great that you have a lovely DH and a family of your own.

Last year my sister had a get together the day after Boxing Day and we weren't invited. My brother said something so I revived a cursory "pop round later if you like" text.
I obviously didn't go.
My mum told my bro that she agreed I should have been invited but did nothing.

Dh was at work then as well.
I normally do a big Boxing Day but I'm not anymore and will say why if I'm asked.

You deserve better than this.