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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex in laws are ruining my life

30 replies

Firstmom264 · 12/10/2018 01:51

Hi everyone!
This is my first thread/post on here so I don’t really know what to expect. But I’m desperate for some advice!Smile
So I’m 21 and a mom to a 3 year old little boy. Over 19 months ago my fiancé and little boy’s dad committed suicide in our first family home. It came as a total shock and nobody saw it coming. Our relationship wasn’t the best and it had been rocky for a while but we always stuck by each other and powered through the hard times. However, since his death his family and friends say have blamed me for his death saying I should have noticed a change in him, I wasn’t good enough for him, I didn’t treat him right.. so many different accusations have poured out over the last year and as a result we haven’t had any contact in 12 months.
Even though I haven’t seen or spoke to them they have continued to harass, bully and abuse me online. Anyway, 2 weeks ago I started seeing a guy. I’ve known him for years and used to work with him when I was younger and already my ex in laws have contracted him, doing anything in their power to ‘scare’ him off and I’m worried it’s working. I’m just worried that they’re going to control and try to ruin my life forever. I’m trying to rebuild mine and my sons life and every time I try to do something positive they interfere or put a stop to it. I just don’t know what to do about it anymore. Any advice would be helpful

OP posts:
Rtmhwales · 12/10/2018 01:55

I would be reporting them to the police for harassment and getting the police to tell them to cease and desist.

springydaff · 12/10/2018 01:59

Definitely contact the police.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through. That must have been so hard - and you're not getting the chance to grieve properly Flowers

Shinesweetfreedom · 12/10/2018 01:59

Yup harassment laws are better these days.Keep screen shots of all communication and phone 101.

KeiTeNgeNge · 12/10/2018 02:15

Contact the police - they sound horrible

justilou1 · 12/10/2018 02:19

Absolutely what everyone else has said. There is probably an online record of more online abuse you don’t know about, and the police can seize their computers and stop this nonsense right now. You should not be the scapegoat for their son’s shortcomings. Obviously they couldn’t resolve his issues either.

Jenny70 · 12/10/2018 03:13

How do they find out information about you to use it? Have you posted online about new boyfriend, are mutual friends still in touch?? I would take steps to protect myself against them getting any information, lock down all social media to be private, defriend/block them.

Maybe change email address, phone number... hassle for you, but way of cutting ties with them. Then if they do use new details, contact police, show them the steps you've taken to ensure your privacy.

I know they are grieving their son, but so are you and their anger/harrassment is not acceptable in any way.

Pbm28 · 12/10/2018 03:47

If you blocked them from all social media sites etc would they know anything about your life? I only ask this because when me and my partner got together 3 years ago, we both got rid of our Facebook and any other social media accounts because of people similar and ever since then it was the best thing we have ever done. No one knows our business unless we tell them our business. Just a thought (blocking everyone or making your profiles very private) that might help. But yes I would definitely report to the police. They sound a nightmare. X

flumpybear · 12/10/2018 03:59

So sorry for your awful loss, it must have been a terrible time for you. My cousin succeeded and my mum tried to commit suicide and nobody realised what was going on. In fact often people have a calmness about themselves as they've made that decision and come to terms with it. It's not your fault.
I'd also contact the police, if they were as awful to him as they've been to you no wonder he had these tendencies.

Block them from everything, any of their friends who may spy on you and move on

PillowOfSociety · 12/10/2018 04:45

I am so sorry OP, how dreadfully sad and what a terrible thing for you to be dealing with.

Unfortunately, tne level of harassment seems to have gone beyond anything that could be dealt with by a firm letter telling them how you feel and to stop. I think the advice to contact the police is the best way forwards.

They have no right to treat you like that.

Do they seem to want to keep contact with your child?

Labradoodliedoodoo · 12/10/2018 04:49

Police

HollyBollyBooBoo · 12/10/2018 05:30

God Op what a nightmare, I am so sorry you lost your partner in that way.

I think you're going to have to get tough, remove them and anyone associated with them from social media, make account settings completely private. If they still harass you keep a log of it and take it down to your local police station to have a word and start making it official.

MyOtherProfile · 12/10/2018 05:32

You poor thing. Horrible. Do you have any family or friends supporting you?

cushioncuddle · 12/10/2018 05:37

Keep a record , screen shot etc anything they do. Go to the police.
You must go to the police. You also have at least one witness - your boyfriend.
This is very wrong and they must be stopped.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

IAmAllAsttonishnent · 12/10/2018 06:14

I think you’re causing your own problems here by
A) not blocking them on EVERYTHING
And
B) living your life on social media where they can see it.

Don’t get me wrong they sound like monsters but not sure how effective the police will be.

What your ex did was pretty selfish and it’s ridiculous for them to blame you (a new and quite young parent) for it. ‘Didn’t treat him right’ 😒 you had a lot of your plate and if it was really that bad it was your partners responsibility as an adult (sort of) and parent to seek help. You were not his babysitter or parent!

Angrybird345 · 12/10/2018 06:57

How do your in-laws know about this person? I would suggest you block all his family from social media and see what happens then. As for your ex, he’s the one who committed suicide, it was all his doing, he is the responsible one. Even if your relationship wasn’t good, you are not to blame. Your in-laws are lashing out at you because you’re the easy target. But you must know that your ex chose to do kill himself. He took that option.

hellsbellsmelons · 12/10/2018 08:18

I'm sorry for your loss OP.
And I'm really sorry that his family are such cunts to you (not a word I use often)
Please do go to the police and report them for harassment.
You do NOT have to put up with this.
You are young and they are taking advantage of that.
They want to blame someone for their loss but the truth is, their son killed HIMSELF. He was an adult responsible for his own actions.

Have you had some counselling yourself regarding all of this?
Don't let them ruin anything else.
You have enough to cope with.

Police - TODAY!!!!

Aus84 · 12/10/2018 08:45

Don't let them bully you OP. Agree with everyone above - contact the police. Maybe ask your new partner if he can put in a report too.

Original poster
Firstmom264 · 12/10/2018 12:21

They find out through ‘spies’ on my Facebook.. sounds so stupid. But they will get in contact with ANY random person and ask them to spy on my Facebook for themSad I have been to the police before and all they did was go to their house and have a ‘quiet word’ with them... even the police have told me that they’re just grieving and you can’t kick people when their down. The thing is I’ve never asked for any of this.. I never wanted it to be like this and at one point I had a really good relationship with my ex in laws. Now, we can’t stand each other

OP posts:
Original poster
Firstmom264 · 12/10/2018 12:23

My mom has told me exactly the same... that it’s not my fault and I wasn’t in control of his actions but my in laws have publically blamed me on a number of occasions! Even said that I must have been the one to put the idea in his head. Since all this abuse I don’t go out on my own anymore because I’m scared someone will approach me/attack me. The police don’t care though. I’ve rang them 5/6 times until they finally went to go and talk to them and told them to stop but they haven’t. Just got this guy feeling that they’re never going away

OP posts:
Original poster
Firstmom264 · 12/10/2018 12:25

Sounds so crazy but they have little ‘spies’. So if I ever get spotted out and about they know about it. (It’s a small town) but me and this new guy went to the cinema and someone told my ex in laws that I was out. Safe to say they didn’t hold back with abusive statuses stating I shouldn’t be out, shouldn’t be carrying on as if nothings happened. Sometimes I feel like just staying in and never coming out

OP posts:
Letshopeitsallok · 12/10/2018 12:30

Did you point out to the police that you’re grieving too?

I’m so sorry for your loss. I would leave you’re existing Facebook account in existence but hide your posts from these people. Never post on this account again, but leave it there so they think it is still your account.

Then, if you feel you do need a Facebook account, set up a new one under a new name and only invite the very selected people that you trust (no randoms). Lock down your privacy settings and regularly log out if Facebook and search for your new account to see what shows up). Don’t post anything personal on there. But you can use it to keep in touch with others re events, their newsfeeds. It sucks not being able to share important parts of your life with others this way (I’m in same boat but for different reasons), but your safety and well-being is more important than a few moments of satisfaction because a status got lots of likes.

Letshopeitsallok · 12/10/2018 12:33

We cross posted. I thought it was just a FB issue. Keep a diary of events and keep reporting their harassment to the police.

I’d even go so far as to add CCTV to my house. They sound like they will escalate.

Aussiebean · 12/10/2018 12:36

This is awful. But you may have to consider more options.

Get rid of all social media or as someone suggested start new profiles.

What are the chances of you moving? Even 20mins away will
Keep you in touch but lesson the chances of being spotted.

Get a new phone number and again, only give it to a few people. You can keep the old one and check it now and then, but only when you want to.

Go back to police. Having already shown they are happy to ignore them, the police might go to the next level.

yummyeclair · 12/10/2018 12:44

Hi OP , wishing that things get better for you and your son. Going to ask something out of turn so sorry if it causes offence. But are the in laws from a particular community or culture because I know in my Indian culture parents who lose a son , cannot accept it and can be very narrow minded blaming everyone else. So if that is the case perhaps someone from the community can talk to them on your behalf?

flumpybear · 12/10/2018 14:13

You're moving on, that's good, healthy, baby matter what you do your 'PiL' will be arseholes ... enjoy your baby and your life now it's fixing

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