Husbands parents driving us both mad

[durdledoo]

Posted before "Chamonix" I've had to change my email and forgotten my password etc etc.
Baby #2 is now 10 months old and my in laws are driving me insane. I just can't cope.
Husband works 100 miles away and has 6 hour round commute each day resulting in him being away 5am-8pm mom- Friday most weeks. Our Saturday is consumed by my 5 year olds dance and kids birthday parties/ errands. We have 1 day a week as a family. 1 day.
In laws are revving up to their hysterical state because they haven't had dd2 alone.
Seeing us as a family 3/4 times a month is not enough for them.
They turned up unannounced at dd1 dance class and it simple terms laid into my husband with passive aggressive comments, straight up confrontation and pettiness because it had been 2 weeks since they'd seen the kids (this being due to mil being busy when I had STUPIDLY offered to meet up for coffee 3 times since then!)
I am so upset, I feel I'm fair considering how little time we get together, I feel they take dd1 more than often enough (far more than dh and I spent with our own gps) and I am so sick of them playing this hard done by card.
They ambush us when we say no, send passive aggressive texts and leave snotty answer phone messages. We've tried seeing them more often and the bar is constantly moved. I really don't think they are very nice people and I am finding is ever so hard as they've attached themselves and embedded themselves into my extended family now too, always being sickly sweet to everyone.
I am sick of every occasion being ruined my mil because she hasn't being the centre of it and I'm sick of her being manipulative and only nice to get her way.
I am on the utter verge of a breakdown I have to lock my front door when I'm alone because I'm scared of fil turning up and having a go etc.
Sorry for the rant- I can imagine Uber made little sense I just needed to vent I feel trapped.

Could MIL maybe take over the Saturday parties for dd1? I know they can take up several hours of the day by the time DC has been dressed, provided with a present, accompanied at the party for a couple of hours and then brought home. Sometimes dd2 will be invited as well. That would make MIL feel included (and exhausted!). She would just need a rest on Sunday!

I don't think that's what she's after. She wants 1-1 time. That in itself makes me feel uncomfortable as I said I don't think either of them are very nice people.

No, don't pander to it at all. If your DH is onside, you need to be very assertive now.

Sounds horrible, OP.

I think you to be bolshy and tell them what's going to happen. They get to see you once a fortnight, for example. Don't engage beyond that. What does DH say?

Tell your extended family not to invite them anywhere!

If I were you I would do everything possible to move to where your husband works. As soon as humanly possible.

I think I do need to lay it out to then about how things are and what we are willing to give and that they can either take it and see us or leave it and not because this is getting ridiculous.
I can't believe how manipulative mil has been recently with messages she sends me and dh, it's shocking.
I have issues saying what I want to say without getting upset and angry so I just don't know how to do it.

Is your husband planning on commuting 6 hours a day indefinitely? That sounds exhausting and unsustainable. I would seriously consider a move of some kind (house or job). If your husband was able to be around more I suspect he could better handle his parents.

Surely you need to change the commuting situation. It doesn't sound at all sustainable and you must both be exhausted.

Ideally he'd get a job down here it's just not as easy with his work.
I have lots of friends and family down here and feel sad about leaving them behind just to escape 2 people. :(

I think you need to go NC, and get legal advice, regarding your children and any unwanted contact you receive after going NC.

Don't give her one to one time ever - whatever you do. trust your instincts.

Write down what you want to say and practice it. It makes a huge difference.

I understand that OP but his parents aside 6 hours a day is crazy! Because your poor knackered DH is out of the picture so much you're having to deal with the in laws. If DH was able to be about more and wasn't driving for 6 hours a day he'd probably have more stamina to stand up to them.

Could he work 4 long days and stay up there Monday to Thursday? I know you'd rather not move but I honestly think it you were both less run ragged you'd find this easier to deal with.

In the meantime, I think you offer the level of contact you are comfortable with (with no 1:1 time) and that's it. Direct any complaints to your DH wherever possible. Don't answer phone calls, you don't have to respond immediately to texts. "That doesn't work for us" can be a useful phrase. Don't get into trying to explain or justify why you can't see them, just say no. Easier said than done I know!

I imagine DH finds it difficult to deal with them - imagine being brought up like this. I know it's hard on you but I think you might need to take the lead.

If you don't want them to have 1-1 time, don't give it (examine your motives though - are you SURE it's a bad idea?).

You are happy to see them and have them see the grandchildren but it has to be on your terms. Set out your terms.

Sundays are family time. DH spends (number of hours a week) away from his family and he needs to spend Sundays with his nuclear family - don't say 'us' as that makes it a tug of war situation.

Maybe email it. And then be prepared for an onslaught of emotional manipulation which you will have to ignore. Think of an expression to use like 'we will see you alternate Saturdays' or whatever your terms are and stick to it. DH might have to block messages.

Good luck

you have two issues to deal with. 1) PIL 2) husband travel, 6 hours a day is not health or sustainable.

I think I don't want them to have 1-1 time because they don't respect us as adults and parents. They dread on boundaries and you give them an inch they take a mile. I feel they're manipulative and controlling and that's not the kind of person I trust with my children. I don't like how they treat their son and it puts me off leaving small children with them.
I'd rather not see them at all when I sit and think of the positives I really do struggle I feel they're a strain on me and my husband and it's exhausting

Could you unplug your phone and block them just for a few days to give yourself some headspace.
Off topic but I couldn't handle my dh being away so much, maybe you'd feel lighter if he was home more, whether that being him adjusting his work or you moving.

Sounds like my situation. I avoid my in laws as much as possible, makes my life easier. They want to see my dc when it suits them, want one to one but I know they won't respect what I say re: routine, eating, sleep, etc. They just don't care about the implications of not sticking to the usual routine. So they don't ever get one to one as a result.

I've blocked them, for my own sanity I have to.
I'm going to have to see them next sat at a birthday party (my side that they've managed to wangle and invite to) and I am dreading it, I just wish I didn't have to go.

I'd kind of like to move, I think it would solve this issue if just miss my family and friends so much. Dh is now wfh 1 day a week. I'm not even sure where we'd move.

Your poor dh having to do all that travelling everyday!! Can't you move close to his work? He must spend a fortune on petrol too. That's your main issue. In laws I'd just ignore and stop pandering to. Let them know in advance when you are available and ignore everything else.

No more 1-1. They sound dangerous persisting for dc alone. Maybe gps rights is bouncing around her head for the future.. Tell her the party in cancelled.
Make sure all relatives block her number, sm, etc. Tell them she has got you a nervous wreck .
Do not agree to any contact unless your dh is there.

And stick to it.

He could work down here he just won't take the pay cut. He commutes by train.

I think you really should consider a move. It wouldn't really be just to avoid two people. You would be saving your husband a horrendous commute which impacts horribly on your family lives. The dynamics would be so different then and if the job is always going to be so far you would probably find it better to move while the kids are still very young ...before schooling ext impacts.
A move would also leave you and dh in charge of how often you see the inlaws. It would depend on them travelling to you or how often you could get to them...shorter but more quality contact. It's really hard op but long term I think would be your best solution.

Could you move halfway? Close enough to make DH's commute not quite so hideous; far enough away from PILs to make it hard for them to interfere so much; still close enough for you to visit family and friends.

Other than than - maybe you DO need to get angry/upset with them. They are riding roughshod over your feelings and boundaries anyway so what have you to lose? And go as low contact with them as you can manage - and block them! Don't respond to texts/phone calls. Don't answer the door to them unless they have been specifically invited.

If they have a go at you - give them straight back. Get angry!

God they sound like a nightmare. I was going to suggest they do Saturday dance or something then maybe take her for lunch. That may cut down on the 1:1 time they have with her too. But it sounds like they wouldn’t be happy with that either. I think at this point you may have to take a very hard stance with them and ‘tell’ them your terms and they take it leave them. If they leave it then they don’t see the dc