Husbands parents driving us both mad

[durdledoo]

Posted before "Chamonix" I've had to change my email and forgotten my password etc etc.
Baby #2 is now 10 months old and my in laws are driving me insane. I just can't cope.
Husband works 100 miles away and has 6 hour round commute each day resulting in him being away 5am-8pm mom- Friday most weeks. Our Saturday is consumed by my 5 year olds dance and kids birthday parties/ errands. We have 1 day a week as a family. 1 day.
In laws are revving up to their hysterical state because they haven't had dd2 alone.
Seeing us as a family 3/4 times a month is not enough for them.
They turned up unannounced at dd1 dance class and it simple terms laid into my husband with passive aggressive comments, straight up confrontation and pettiness because it had been 2 weeks since they'd seen the kids (this being due to mil being busy when I had STUPIDLY offered to meet up for coffee 3 times since then!)
I am so upset, I feel I'm fair considering how little time we get together, I feel they take dd1 more than often enough (far more than dh and I spent with our own gps) and I am so sick of them playing this hard done by card.
They ambush us when we say no, send passive aggressive texts and leave snotty answer phone messages. We've tried seeing them more often and the bar is constantly moved. I really don't think they are very nice people and I am finding is ever so hard as they've attached themselves and embedded themselves into my extended family now too, always being sickly sweet to everyone.
I am sick of every occasion being ruined my mil because she hasn't being the centre of it and I'm sick of her being manipulative and only nice to get her way.
I am on the utter verge of a breakdown I have to lock my front door when I'm alone because I'm scared of fil turning up and having a go etc.
Sorry for the rant- I can imagine Uber made little sense I just needed to vent I feel trapped.

Please look up narcissist mother.
I think you would then not feel one be guilty about saying no - full stop.

Your child your family.

It's a waste of time trying to please people like your inlaws - YOU. CANNOT. WIN. We've had a similar situation with my inlaws, although not so extreme for decades, but about 10 years ago after making a huge effort for them that wasn't acknowledged or appreciated, we realised we could never win, so we now go by the adage "you can't please everyone, so you may as well please yourself." DH sees them on his way home from work twice a week but I hardly see them at all which suits me fine. You can't go on like this OP, either with DH commuting or the inlaws holding you under siege. Your inlaws don't care about upsetting or offending you, so you need to adopt the same attitude towards them. We teach others how to treat us, so start teaching! Good luck

Yy to moving closer to your husbands work. Maybe not all the way, but enough away that PIL are more distant and close enough that it reduces the commute time.

Could you move closer to DH's job? And away from his parents?

And make your DH tell them to back the fuck off or they won't be seeing you at all.

Why does any 1-1 time have to be at the weekend? Could they take the baby for a few hours one afternoon or take the dc out for tea one evening.

That said I wouldn't tolerate anyone wanting or expecting that level of involvement. I would tell them to back off or I will cut contact all together. Maybe DH should say that.

I think you should all move to be closer to your DH's work - no more long commute and no more ILs on your doorstep. Kills two birds with one stone.

Time for boundaries not time for negotiating how they spend time with your youngest. ...you and your DH need to think about how you want things to change. Once you agree stick to the plan. Whether that be blocking them and only communicating via email, stopping the regular contact, speaking to your own family and ask that they stop inviting them to your family events...etc etc. You need to decide between you and then they are either told or you simply stop engaging in their unpleasantness.... My OH and I had to sort out the outlaws as boundaries had been skewed and my OH found it hard as it was his parents. But it has to be done as it sounds truly horrendous

You can't win with people like that.

Your DH needs to step up and tell them to back the fuck off if they want any kind of future relationship with their grandchildren. Or you'll all go NC.

Sounds hideous! Good luck.

I remember your old threads, I have parents similar to your ILs, I am in the middle of a court case right now with them re: my kids. I did a search on MN for gp's rights when this came about. I found your old threads.

Please listen to me.

Don't have any more contact with them then you can stand. Once per month is fine or less.

Move if you can. If not you need a plan - and a solicitor.

When you stop being a people pleaser then you start to make better networks, people who are more solid and dependable.

You need to throw some distance between them and you.

And absolutely no 1-1. No no no.

You, not them, should call the shots on when to see them too.