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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband depressed

36 replies

earlgreymarl · 11/10/2018 20:33

DH is depressed, been going on gradually worsening over the last few months, coupled with terrible communication problems between us so we basically can't talk about anything.

He went to dr's last Friday and is awaiting counselling and has been prescribed meds so he is nearly a week in.

I am also finding it difficult. I can't say anything and he is brought to tears so easily. There isn't much of a support around us, but I can talk to my mum. It's hard to keep things normal, be supportive and not do / the wrong thing.

He says he just sits there at work staring at his computer and the day feels really long. It's like he is opting out of everything.

We have a 6 year old DS. At night I feel like I need to have a few hours to recover from the emotional draining daily experience and I wake up early worrying. He sleeps ok and is always tired, I had to persuade him not to go to bed at 7.30 tonight.

I just wish he would also help himself.

Apparently the meds might take 6-8 weeks to work.

We haven't any major stresses or difficulties in life. Apart from this.

Anyone any advice or help, how long will this go on for? It's difficult all round.

OP posts:
Johnnyfinland · 11/10/2018 20:35

Depression makes people act out of character, irrationally and even nastily (but it doesn’t sound like he’s being nasty, just apathetic). I do have sympathy with you. But surely he is helping himself by the fact he went to the doctors?

Original poster
earlgreymarl · 11/10/2018 20:40

What I mean is, there are things that make you feel better aren't there, trying to distract yourself, or relax or get out for a walk, he was doing some of these things. Am I awful? I just worry he is eventually just going to be lying there and that's it.

OP posts:
Original poster
earlgreymarl · 11/10/2018 20:41

I am glad he went to the doctor's, really glad, I had to get to the point of saying I can't cope, either talk to your parents or go to the Dr, that was in August.

OP posts:
Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 11/10/2018 20:49

The main thing here is actually you need to focus on YOU, not him.

You cannot control or cure his depression. He is entirely the one who needs to seek help and go with it. You can support him however it is very very important that you put in boundaries for yourself:

  1. how much you will support him
  2. cut off times for how long you will worry about him
  3. carving out time for your own relaxation/exercise/mindfulness
  4. specifying times (to yourself) when you will focus solely on DS without worrying about DH

I do empathise. It is hard. But the most important factor here is you, you cannot afford not to look after yourself.

Original poster
earlgreymarl · 11/10/2018 21:02

Thank you Illstart . It is difficult to know what to do and when he is asleep or whatever, I must carry on, I can't just give up or even express myself to him, for fear of worsoning the situation.

That sounds like practical advice and a way to deal round things being a blurred worry and thinking what's going to happen today.

Thank you

OP posts:
Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 11/10/2018 21:07

You’re welcome. I am going through similar. My mantra is ‘You can’t pour from an empty cup’.

Original poster
earlgreymarl · 11/10/2018 21:14

I am sorry to hear that. Hope it gets much better for you and your DH soon. Flowers it is hard to keep the normal flowing!

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Original poster
earlgreymarl · 11/10/2018 21:16

I have screenshotted and saved your response!

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joanslegs · 11/10/2018 21:51

Hopefully in a few weeks you may see a difference thanks to the meds, then he may be able to take more responsibility for his self care, which will help him recover further.

At the moment it sounds like he is so deep in the fog he can't see any trees in the wood, which is a scary feeling. Hopefully soon the fog will start to lift a little.

This is such a hard time for you both and I can't echo the above posters enough to say you must take care of yourself, make time for yourself and be really firm about it, book it in, write it down. Hijack friends and relatives if needed to help out, but keep looking after you.

Jaynich · 11/10/2018 22:00

Please please read Depressive Illness by Dr Tim Cantopher. It is a very helpful and insightful book about depression for both sufferers and their carers. It provides information and advice on who gets it, why, how, and treatments and support available. I cannot recommend this book highly enough to anyone suffering from depression, or their family members.

LemonTT · 11/10/2018 23:18

It’s very scary being in a relationship with somebody who experiences this illness. In so so many ways. The thought of waiting 6-8 weeks to see an improvement seems like an eternity. Added to which you don’t even know if that improvement will be for the better for him and/ or for you.

AD’s can be transformative. I think that I just didn’t get the same person back, I think I got the more vital one from years before. It made me realise just how long the issues were there and how I tolerated them. It’s worth the wait and a false start if you go through that.

It takes time to get there. I spent weeks trying to encourage him to go out and to exercise etc. There’s a knack to this, don’t push him to do this stuff, suggest and invite him to join you. But you should do it. Walking, running, yoga, swimming all help. It took me weeks to get him to go for a walk in the park and the impact was wonderful.

Don’t get me wrong you will think and feel he is letting you down or failing you. It’s hard and a struggle. The feeling of rejection will be very painful. At the same time you just want to make it better. Build a cocoon of safety and love.

My advice for these times. Pause and if you can do the recommended stuff for your own mental health. Then go back to him and tell him how much you love him. That he is doing great and you are proud of him. Even if you might just not mean it at the time. He will get better.

Original poster
earlgreymarl · 12/10/2018 06:55

Thanks so much Joans, Jaynich and lemon . I have ordered that book. And really encouraging about some light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you all for the understanding and advice.

OP posts:
bobbinogs · 12/10/2018 07:00

Hello there, also have a look at Depression FAllout’ and ‘What to do when they’re depressed’ by Anne Sheffield. I found these really helpful in managing my feelings and worries about DHs depression.

Your DH is seeking help which is really positive. Give him some time, it will take time, and focus on you, and making sure you’re ok.......

swingofthings · 12/10/2018 08:03

Earlgrey, it is still early. Depression is horrible and does messes up with your ability to think rationally. You have no mental energy left so any efforts seem unreachable.

Being in a job you hate, either due to stress or boredom is horrible. I've been there and yes, the hours are very very long and it will make you feel depressed.

What you need to do is be patient. Notwithstanding the fact that it is very hard on you too but obe say it might be the other way around.

Hopefully the mess and counselling will work. What is he doing about work.? When you are in the mist of it you are convinced you can't get another job because of a long list of reasons. It's usually driven by focusing on what there is to loose. It is very possible though but to see this, he will need to regain some positive energy first. Feeling that you are understanding and supportive will help on that direction

Original poster
earlgreymarl · 12/10/2018 18:29

swingofthings thanks, no it's not that he hates his job, getting another job isn't the answer for this. If it was the other way round, and I know when I have been upset in the past, he would just tell me not to be so negative!

OP posts:
Original poster
earlgreymarl · 12/10/2018 18:30

I wouldn't / haven't said that to him as clearly this is very different and more serious .

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Original poster
earlgreymarl · 12/10/2018 18:32

Thanks bobbins didn't even think to look for something like that , they look good, cheers

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carly2803 · 12/10/2018 18:32

Speaking from experience - focus on yourself, you cant help him as much asyou want too -he has to help himself

If you nag - he will resent it trust me.

It's good hes been the doctors - it takes a while for meds to level out - you will notice a different in a couple of weeks

But again - bring the focus onto yourself and your DC - its the best option.

bobbinogs · 12/10/2018 19:03

How are things today?

Original poster
earlgreymarl · 12/10/2018 21:21

Thanks Carly "you can't help as much as you want to " puts it well.

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Original poster
earlgreymarl · 12/10/2018 21:34

Hi bobbins bit of a weird but better day, he has seemed better this eve and popped round to his parents after work which seemed to lift him , although he is not forthcoming with how things are / what he is going through with them. I have spoken to MIL about what's going on, but none of them, including DH have found a way to talk about it, or raise it. So it's like it's not real!

It's difficult not to be able to respond honestly to him for fear of worsoning things / his reaction so if he is feeling a bit lighter , and asks if I am ok, I feel frustrated because of course not, he gets to have the ups and downs and I must stay level and not be open in case it turns an ok eve into a bad one. So I hold back / avoid discussion.

Anyway, MASSIVELY reasurred by this thread and things will get better with patience and time.

I really value the advice here Flowers to anyone else also fraught with what to do.

OP posts:
bobbinogs · 12/10/2018 21:58

That all sounds ok and good you feel reassured. It’s really important I think to understand change will come slowly and not always consistently. Take a longer view. DH and I have lived with his depression for 10 years or so, he takes medication and on the whole we’ve got a solid marriage, and have had some good times, taken care of our kids well, though have also had some really awful times.

He’s had a bit of a relapse over the past few months, it’s been hard. It’s still hard for me to deal with even with all my experience! He’s increased his meds and I am making myself look at mid November as a reasonable point at which to look back and expect some progress and improvement. And to not in the meantime be constantly asking how he is but allow him time and space to heal.

Keep taking care of yourself. Remember you can’t pour from an empty cup.

Original poster
earlgreymarl · 12/10/2018 22:10

Oh bobbinogs that's really difficult all round. That sounds like a really pragmatic and reasonable way to look at things. And hats off to you for not getting swallowed up entirely by it all. The kids are the best reason aren't they. Noted re the asking. I try to do so gently but now you mention it, it has been daily, but mainly cos its new meds and all new for us.

Hope things improve for you all in the coming weeks. Very hard Flowers

Do you feel like you have a whole other life you tap into for your own wellbeing / social interaction ?

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LemonTT · 12/10/2018 22:37

Oh Earlgrey, it is so hard to be the calm and stable one. I know how you feel having to suppress the hurt and frustration. Just try to keep it up. TBH, I did lose it on one or more occasion and got upset. I just had to say a few things. Not nasty just how much i was struggling and I needed him to focus on getting better. He responded but he was on the way to improvement by then.

I just couldn't understand his choices. He would find doing things with me too much but would then go to work or visit an very old friend. But I was very careful and mindful about how I framed this than I would be now or before. I really stuck to "I" statements and avoided blaming him, iyswim. It was good training to learn not to use the "you", but I have probably regressed.

I also avoided questions, he just didn't answer them or found it too much. So I learnt to say, "you are doing so much better, I am proud of you" rather than "how are you feeling".

Don't worry about the lack of response and random vagueness it will pass. But in the meantime it is very hard for you, just try to approach it as a type of loving and caring medicine. Even if you dont feel it at the time and have to suppress your immediate reaction or feeling.

nooddsocksforme · 12/10/2018 23:13

m.youtube.com/watch?v=XiCrniLQGYc this is a great representation of how clinical depression can affect someone. May help you and dh. The feeling of helplessness is very difficult to manage but you will be helping more than you realise by being supportive and trying to understand . Think of how you wouldn’t expect someone with a serious physical illness to be able to cope with all their usual responsibilities and try not to put pressure on him to do things he can’t manage at the moment. The antidepressants may well start to work sooner than 6-8 weeks in - I would expect a change in 3-4 weeks. There are online mindfulness courses but your dh would need to be well enough to be able to concentrate to do them .
And as others have said - you nee£ to look after yourself