Husband depressed

[earlgreymarl]

DH is depressed, been going on gradually worsening over the last few months, coupled with terrible communication problems between us so we basically can't talk about anything.

He went to dr's last Friday and is awaiting counselling and has been prescribed meds so he is nearly a week in.

I am also finding it difficult. I can't say anything and he is brought to tears so easily. There isn't much of a support around us, but I can talk to my mum. It's hard to keep things normal, be supportive and not do / the wrong thing.

He says he just sits there at work staring at his computer and the day feels really long. It's like he is opting out of everything.

We have a 6 year old DS. At night I feel like I need to have a few hours to recover from the emotional draining daily experience and I wake up early worrying. He sleeps ok and is always tired, I had to persuade him not to go to bed at 7.30 tonight.

I just wish he would also help himself.

Apparently the meds might take 6-8 weeks to work.

We haven't any major stresses or difficulties in life. Apart from this.

Anyone any advice or help, how long will this go on for? It's difficult all round.

Earlgray other people, family and friends are aware of the situation but don’t really understands the extent of the burden on me I think. Unless you’ve been there it’s hard to explain the mix of fear and resentment and confusion and loneliness that can overwhelm you. My DH is good at putting on a face for other people and so he appears better than he is, he saves the full on monosyllabic greyness for me. Lucky me!

I do benefit from time on my own, I like my own company and I have got better at recognising when things are getting too much and taking steps to give myself a break. I also do break down sometimes and let DH know how hard it is for me, not in an accusatory way but it’s ok I think for him to know I’m not a coping machine and that he needs to prioritise getting well for the sake of me and the family as well as himself.

How are your kids managing Earlgray ? I hope the weekend goes well.

Thanksnooddsocks that's helpful.

bobbin yes it is tricky to understand, I guess they are able to put up that front then worn out by it, but to see the transition can be mystifying! It's good that you have people around who are aware.

The time alone is a salvation I hear you! But then sometimes would be nice to do something together , but if no enthusiasm then it's hard work. My DH is not ordinarily one to do much socially anyway, he would never ever come up with an idea to do something together for example, so it's like it's gone down a notch where time alone is essential restoration!

My DS had noticed that daddy wasn't talking to him much and when I told DH this he did start making more of an effort. But I think he notices he's just lying on the sofa watching rubbish TV for ages. Family mealtimes are just odd and tense and awkward, I only do it to make sure they both get a decent meal
a couple of times a week, instead of usual midweek quick stuff.

I hope your weekend goes ok too bobbin and you are getting some chill out time this eve .

How old are your DC's? I am a bit grateful my DS is quite young and hoping I can shelter him from it more because of that.

I feel for you as I'm in similar boat. I have a two month old baby and dh is struggling with depression. He hid it during my pregnancy, some things were baffling me, but it all came to a head after birth. During this long crisis his job has been precarious and projects shortlived, the constant pressure has taken its toll and my once happy, bouncy husband is replaced by this anxiety riddled being. I cannot give myself to both so I give myself to baby. He has started ad's but was told it will be some time. Last evening was bad, tonight he was puking and riddled with diarrhoea. He starts new job on Monday and is torturing himself on whether he will be able to deliver, if he'll be able to get up in morning etc. Its so bloody draining. He was super active social person, this is nowhere to be seen. He is going to counselling. I wish you the best.

It's really hard; my DP has recurrent depression & it has taken it's toll on our relationship.

At it's worst, he is very disinterested, disengaged & critical/snappy with DC. I am gradually coming to the conclusion that I literally cannot live with him when his depression is untreated; I am on eggshells & fed up with the amount of responsibility I have for keeping the home/finances/kids going. I have done 2 episodes of depression with him & am not sure I have it in me to do a third.

My survival guide has been to ensure I have something for myself; I have taken up running & it helps de-stress. I also do a book club & see my friends. I have good family but they are not nearby.

Hopefully he will be starting to feel better already; IME within 2-3 weeks the tablets are starting to work.

It's really hard, hang in there

I have found this thread refreshing to read i'm not alone.

My DP is going through an awful lot, a divorce which is going through court, finance problems because of it, his job is under fire and then to top it all, I miscarried our baby last Saturday. The Miscarriage was the final straw in what I believe his depression/breakdown. He went out for an hour that turned into two hours, came home and ended our relationship. He then packed a bag and left which he ended up sleeping in his car.

He has been up and down for mainly the past 7 weeks but I could see something happening for months. He would snap at me for the simplest of things and I would bite back but now these past 7 weeks he's been threatening to end it, but then says he loves me and I mean the world to him. He talks about wanting to get off the merry go round, that his head is spinning, he can't see his future and that he see model buildings but they're all destroyed.

I am 200 miles away now where I'm from being supported by my family as he says he needed space but as the time ticks by he's struggling more and more.

He's been to the doctors and I have no idea what he's told them but they've not put him on tablets or giving counselling because they say he's had the work funded counselling and that's better anyway.

I am at an utter loss what to do. He blames me for everything but to me he talks about everything in his life being wrong. It's so hard x

SVRT, Prosecco and Watt that is awful to read everything each of you is going through. Sending hugs and .

Prosecco that sounds like a good survival plan, although the prospect of having the energy / committment to go again must be scary .

Watt that is just terrible, one thing after another. It is surprising that the Dr hasn't offered meds. So so sorry to hear about the miscarriage. no words sufficient. Hope you get some time with your family, or a break away, if at all possible. Look after yourself.

SVRT hope tomorrow is ok... Maybe when the meds kick in and the baby is more interactive (for him) things will get better. It's funny how you can feel cheated by a situation, I feel like I have a long drawn out version of what you are going through. DH became much more joyful about DS when he was a few months old and could "give more back".

Wishing you all well, and hope the coming week is ok.

Thank you also for responding to my post.

I've just read "Lost Connections" all about causes of depression and anxiety and ways to help. Very well written and referenced. Got it in kindle because I didn't want to wait for paperback due in January. Hardback just out.

It's all eye-opening isn't it and takes a lot to understand as well as dealing with the day -day

At least we have things like specialist books and Mumsnet, when my mum and we went through the awfulness of my DF depression and alcoholism she had no one, no support ( apart from when we went to the refuge) and 3 young kids and full time job. She probably wouldn't have had time to read anything anyway. I am still in disbelief that i am having to encounter some of this again. I am super grateful DH has stopped drinking to see if it would help with how he is feeling.