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Original poster

Need advice, would this be inappropriate?

33 replies

findingmyselfagain · 11/10/2018 20:31

Hi, Im a 41 year old newly separated mum of one (DS is 3). I separated from my husband in July after 9 years of marriage.It was a real roller coaster of a relationship. This is a whirlwind explanation but essentially he has an addictive personality , has issues with Alcohol and sex addiction. I supported him over the years in recovery but sadly he has never been able to complete a 12 -step program. Things just got so unbearable for me by the start of summer I asked for a trial separation which has turned into a (mutual) permanent decision. Essentially all my self worth and confidence is gone, having had these few months trying to pick myself up, I can see that really he was very emotionally abusive to me during our relationship. His acting out was always my fault.
I work at a local further education college as a teaching assistant. I love my job. Over the last few weeks there is a student at college who I, and I cant believe it has happened, have developed feelings for. He is 20!. I find it shocking that I feel this way. There is definitely a mutual connection. There has been flirtation, but nothing has been said or happened between us. I do not support any of his classes but see his about college outwith class times. I know myself I am getting into inappropriate territory now just flirting. I am however thinking that I will wait until he finishes his course then if we are both still single at that point ask him out for a drink. Is this totally stupid, is it just that I'm flattered a young man finds me attractive? Im not sure what to do. Advice please :)

OP posts:
Nettled · 11/10/2018 20:36

He’s an adult, OP. Nothing ‘inappropriate’ about it. However, I’d say it’s far too soon after the end of a tempestuous marriage to embark on a new relationship, if you only broke up in July. I’d just enjoy the ego boost of mild flirtation and leave it at that.

Original poster
findingmyselfagain · 11/10/2018 20:46

thank you I guess Im worried about being judged if anything was to happen. I agree I think it is too soon to start anything else just now. Will focus on my little boy and building myself back up again for now x

OP posts:
PhilODox · 11/10/2018 20:53

Yes, it absolutely is inappropriate!
You work at the college, he is a student, therefore you are in a position of authority.
Check your employer policies very carefully- I am very certain they will state no employee/student relationships!
It doesn't matter that the student is an adult (and if he had additional needs, he would still be treated as a minor in education until 25)
You need to make sure ex-students are also not off-limits also.

Fonduefrolics · 11/10/2018 20:54

I don’t think it’s appropriate. Legally, he might be an adult but you are in a responsible position at the college and I’m pretty sure flirting with students is against the ethics of your job. You’ve more or less said so yourself. Would you want this for your son? I’m the mother of a young adult at college and I would not be happy to think a member of staff was flirting with my son. I’m sorry if this isn’t want you want to hear.

You’ve come out of an abusive relationship, you probably need time to heal. It’s nice to feel wanted, and certainly it’s an ego boost to think that a young lad finds you attractive. Leave him alone (and I mean that kindly) as this is unlikely to end well for either of you if you continue.

AnyFucker · 11/10/2018 20:55

I would judge you

SillySallySingsSongs · 11/10/2018 20:56

Yes it's inappropriate. You are a TA and he is a student.

nicebitofquiche · 11/10/2018 20:58

Yes it's inappropriate. Please don't ask him out.

Bluntness100 · 11/10/2018 20:58

No this isn't appropriate and I would say the same to a forty one year old man perving on some twenty year old student.

Focus on your kid and you. Dating 20 year old students isn't the way forward.

SparklyMagpie · 11/10/2018 21:02

Not appropriate in the slightest

Tahani · 11/10/2018 21:03

I don't think this is appropriate

You are in a position of power, and you should not engage

You are only just out of a long term relationship, and your head is not in the right place

Overyou · 11/10/2018 21:05

You should not be flirting with him In your place of work.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 11/10/2018 21:25

Not appropriate at all. You are in work

Original poster
findingmyselfagain · 11/10/2018 21:31

thank you everyone. I have written this post as I know myself it is inappropriate, I am glad that I have had a strong reaction, I wanted to see this as I need to give myself a good talking to, stop the flirting, and focus on healing myself and being professional at work. Thank you

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 11/10/2018 21:46

I wouldn't want you asking out my 20 year old son in college.

You need to be professional and maintain appropriate boundaries.

He's closer to your son's age than yours.

Original poster
findingmyselfagain · 11/10/2018 21:48

agree thank you

OP posts:
SchnitzelVonKrumm · 11/10/2018 22:22

He's closer in age to your toddler than to you.

springydaff · 11/10/2018 22:24

I think you're very vulnerable at the moment. Very.

If you're having problems reining in your feelings /flirtation, imagine ds at 20 and a 41yo TA coming on to him.

You know it isn't appropriate. You MUST stop the flirting. Yes it's an ego boost - when I was in my 40s there were plenty of younger men who gave me attention and it was flattering. Take the compliment but don't act on it in any shape or form.

What support are you getting? Do you go to al-anon? I'd recommend it 💐

Original poster
findingmyselfagain · 11/10/2018 22:40

I will stop the flirting and I wont act on anything. I wrote this post anonymously as I've not spoken to anybody but wanted to see everyone's reaction. I think I knew what it would be, I think I just wanted to kick myself a kick, a wake up call. I feel very upset with myself that Ive started to blur the boundaries already and that it is probably due to where I am personally. BUT that is no excuse I need to just stop. I agree I do need some further support like al-anon thank you

OP posts:
springydaff · 11/10/2018 22:44

Take care sweetie.

Be kind to yourself 🌸

SandyY2K · 11/10/2018 22:51

On a positive note...if a 20 year old is flirting with you... you must look pretty hot and fit. So you'll have no problems attracting men when you're ready.

Rebecca36 · 11/10/2018 23:02

Difficult one. If you did have an affair with this guy, because he is so young, it's likely he would become overly attached to you - 'in love' and all that, and harrass you; as you work where he studies it wouldn't be easy to completely avoid him. So enjoy being attracted but take it no further. Eventually you'll meet someone of a more appropriate age.

ExploryRory · 13/10/2018 00:54

I’m going to throw the oar in.
I met my now DH when I worked at the local college. He was 19 and had completed his course the year before. We got married a year later and celebrated 15 years this year. You only live once.

ExploryRory · 13/10/2018 00:57

And yes, I’m a fair bit older than him. Neither of us has ever given a crap about that.

SillySallySingsSongs · 13/10/2018 08:16

If you did have an affair with this guy, because he is so young, it's likely he would become overly attached to you - 'in love' and all that, and harrass you

What utter rubbish. Hmm

Bluntness100 · 13/10/2018 08:20

Ok that was a bit of a concerning throw away line.

Why do you need al anon op? You have a problem with booze? If so that's the primary thing to focus on.

Yes, you need to stay away from this guy. He's probably flattered. But to thr poster who said he's likely to fall in love with you that's rubbish. He's more likely to tell everyone you fancy him or he shagged you and cause you problems at work.