Just found out my mum’s been saying she hopes I die on a number of occasions

[Beljezza]

I was having a bad day today anyway, but then I found out my mother has been repeatedly expressing to someone that she hopes I die. She did not even deny it.

I don’t know why I’m even starting this thread, it’s just that I feel so low and so hurt. I usually bottle everything up, but I’m worried about how alone I feel. I always feel alone but the confirmation that I am alone is different.
My history is from birth she allowed my NPD father to abuse and torment me and then when I grew up and had serious problems due to the abuse she ignored them and now blames and hates me for developing problems from CPTSD and the abuse I suffered.

Thank you if you have read this.

Well it's not normal at all for a mother to say that about her child, so it says a lot more about her than it does about you. She sounds horrendous and I'm sorry you've been so badly let down. I would suggest it is time to cut all ties. I have no experience so will let more knowledgeable posters come on and help with that.

Just to let you know how sorry I am that you are having to go through this. Hopefully someone will be along to give you the advice you need.

Thank you for listening, I have just had enough.

Op none of this is your fault, none of it. You are blameless.
You have every right to heal and feel whole.
Sending you so much peace of mind and strength

Your mother has failed you op. Failed and let you down. So sorry to hear you're going through this. She's a vile person for wishing you dead. I'm guessing that she is reminded of how she failed to protect you every time she looks at you so is wishing you 'gone' so she doesn't have to confront her failings. Well her failings are on HER. It's not your job to make her feel better for being a useless mother.

You have every right to live and be happy. Who is she to want you dead?

You have your own destiny to fulfil, your own life to live, your own dreams to achieve, your own purpose to realise, your own adventures to have.

Please do get some counselling to support your healing and carve out a life away from her.

Be the person you needed her to be and protect and look after your precious wonderful self.

Hugs. xx

Thank you so much, I have been blamed and shamed and expected to be completely unscathed from the abuse and I’m hated for it having affected me.
It’s very confusing.

As a fellow CPTSD sufferer birthed by an NPD woman, I totally sympathise with your struggle.

A mother does not wish her child dead, that is truly appalling.

I know you said it was your dad, I deliberately reference my mother: food for thought. Was it your dad? Or both? Or might she have blamed him to divert your attention from her?

Good luck on your journey.

Thank you Doin, it’s very hard to understand her, but it makes sense what you said.

Against my better judgement I spent time with her on holiday, I usually stay away; anyway she could not wait to attack my da and take the piss out of him and my pet name for him and how he walks and how I bring him up etc etc. My dad did that to him too (they’ve been divorced for years though). So I cut him off.

Is it usual for parents to pick on their own grandchildren too? My ds was in tears, as I have always kept him at a distance. I see happy families around and I just feel like I’m dissociated and can’t connect with people as it’s sll so heartbreaking and weird.

Well my dad was very overtly abusive to her and us. He called me a prostitute from 3 or 4 and beat (one of my first memories), terrorised, controlled and humiliated us.

But she seemed to hate me for developing problems from the abuse. I remember once her shouting how we just stood there when he was abusing her and did nothing. We were terrified kids.

Op. She sounds even worse from your update. Picking on your poor ds!! I'm so angry on your behalf.
Could she have picked on him out of jealousy that you're clearly the loving and protective mother she failed to be, and she sees the close bond you have with your child that she never shared with YOU? It could be that everything about you and your pain and suffering, as well as your relationship with your child just reminds her of all her failings a mother.

I think that’s spot on Doin. It’s exactly what I thought. It’s just so hurtful that both parents tried to abuse my dc like they did me.

The wishing me dead thing is just weird though, although she barely wants to have much to do with me, we haven’t argued for her to be saying that. It’s just hurtful.

Your mother is not worthy of you. Her job was to protect you not the other way round. As others have said you are blameless.

Why keep in contact with either of them? Genuine question, as the saying goes you don't choose your family, but you can choose friends who become more than family ever would. Why not concentrate on your lovely ds and never inflict either of your parents on him ever again. Build yourself a support system of friends.

I agree, your mother is at fault here and cannot bear her shame. Apologies for the suggestion that your father was not the root. Projecting, much.

I think they are both beyond help. And now she is inflicting the poison from her own complicity onto your innocent child. Time to forget feeling guilty, stand firm and protect you and your family.

She has given you the go ahead to do that, with her ‘wishing you dead’ nonsense. No caring mother would say that, ever.

So take what she has said as a sign that you are fighting a losing battle, trying to see the good in her outweighing the damage she enabled.

And, with your head held high and your dignity intact, because you have tried and tried and tried: feel free to walk away.

I'm so sorry for what they did to you. Please stop seeing her. You don't need to see her, just stick with DS and anyone else who is kind and decent. My heart goes out to you, especially to poor baby you of the past. So so sorry you deserve all the love and support in the world

I cut contact with my dad as soon as I started to notice him trying to insult, humiliate and shame my DS.

My mother has gradually become more and more cold towards me as the years have gone by and I have noticed I barely have anything to do with her anyway. It was just a shock to hear what she has been saying considering there has been no argument, it’s just how she feels. I have told my DS we will stay away from her, as I refuse to have the most precious thing in my life treated like that.

I have become very isolated over the years due to a number of reasons. I would love to have friends that are like family or who genuinely care even a little bit. I have one lovely friend who I have little in common with, but I am grateful for that.

I would like to say though, it has really helped me to hear the kind words you have all expressed. I have really struggled with how I have been hated and blamed because of how the developmental trauma affected me. I feel like I have been starved of that and I just hope that I will meet kind people like you. I really appreciate it. Thank you for replying.

You sound lovely OP and I wish you all the best.

Thank you Velvet

I suspect that she's jealous of the success you've made of your life and your relationship with your ds. I suspect that she's had miserable life herself and it's damaged her - however that is no excuse whatsoever for how she's treating you.

You don't have to put up with it and you should see that it's her problem and nothing to do with the worthy person that you are. I suspect that you will need counseling to truly feel that though. It's easy to know that on an intellectual level but much harder on an emotional level.
I think you'll find it easier going forward to cut contact and you certainly shouldn't expose your ds to her.

because a normal mum would want the best for her child

I realised I could consciously dissociate when I was 7. It's defensive mechanism. My mother would gleefully say that she wanted to throw me out of the window when I was a baby then as an adult she would describe me as burden,

You're not going to be able to change her. I can say that no contact is an utter relief, yes it's an emotional rollercoaster as you process anger, sadness, grief and loneliness but it does get better. You can come back from the dissociation to connect with your feelings and with other people. I have. I know at times of stress it will kick in automatically but I slowly made friends, slowly learnt to feel, slowly learnt to connect with people. I now have over 10 good friends I connect with.

protect your son as well as yourself. You've been there so you know how bad it is. Would you want your DS to experience that too? Too toxic for you to toxic for him. Take care and if you'd like to pm me please do

Ignoramus- due to the CPTSD and being perfect prey to abusive narcissists, she would not deem me successful. I have tried so hard but I have found life a struggle.
But I think you are right that she is jealous of the bond I have with my DS and she can tell he adores me😊. To be honest to me this is the most worthwhile success.

Inprogress- I am very sorry you have had to suffer this too. It is very unusual for me to meet people who know what it is like to have parents that do not love you. Although I hate it that others do have this situation, it makes me feel less of an unworthy freak. So thank you for telling me your experience.

You're a caring loving protective mother. You're providing for yourself and your child.
You're doing so well to keep your precious child away from these awful people. You've made a life away from their toxic influence. Take pride in that. Own your success. You're a success in spite of your parents, not because of them.

Please do look into counselling. Wish you and your son all the best.

I've just come out of an abusive marriage and understand the feeling of loneliness. O find affirmations really powerful. I've attached images to explain how they work and some affirmations that work for me.

She is doing nothing to improve your life, in fact quite the opposite. If she saying she'd rather you were dead then I be inclined to "be dead to her" and go NC.

You're not at fault you don't owe her the opportunity be nasty to you so if she can't be supportive and loving what is the point of having her in your life.

It is very unusual for me to meet people who know what it is like to have parents that do not love you. Although I hate it that others do have this situation, it makes me feel less of an unworthy freak. So thank you for telling me your experience

I had parents that abused me too, in a different way from yours. But if you knew me in real life you wouldn’t know this because I don’t talk about.

I stayed in touch with them in my 20s because I felt guilty and partly that it was my own fault. Then when I had my own kids I saw them hurting them so I stopped all contact.

I’d dont tell random people this because they can be very judgemental. They say stupid things like “ oh I’m sure they have learned from their mistakes / they won’t do that to the GC / they are old now “.

Normal people from normal families don’t understand the dynamics of childhood abuse. They think that bevause your father is 80 and cant pin you down and rape you that somehow he can’t hurt you anymore and you should forgive.

Or that as long as you watch your children when they are with them, they will be safe .

It’s not true, as you have seen yourself . Your mother can still hurt you and your son.

So I just don’t talk about them and if anyone asks, I just say “ oh I lost my parents years ago “ with a sad face and they don’t ask any more. Or if they do , I say “ it’s too painful to talk about it, I’m sure you understand “.

So please don’t thing think everyone else have a loving family and you are some freak who doesn’t . Sadly there are lots of us out there, we just deal with it in different ways.