Just found out my mum’s been saying she hopes I die on a number of occasions

[Beljezza]

I was having a bad day today anyway, but then I found out my mother has been repeatedly expressing to someone that she hopes I die. She did not even deny it.

I don’t know why I’m even starting this thread, it’s just that I feel so low and so hurt. I usually bottle everything up, but I’m worried about how alone I feel. I always feel alone but the confirmation that I am alone is different.
My history is from birth she allowed my NPD father to abuse and torment me and then when I grew up and had serious problems due to the abuse she ignored them and now blames and hates me for developing problems from CPTSD and the abuse I suffered.

Thank you if you have read this.

My mum’s mum is borderline NPD. My mum is fantastic and gone out of her way to make sure she never inflicted the same on us. I am so in awe of her, grateful and proud of what she has done - she is one of the kindest, loyal and loving people I’ve ever come across. But she can’t see herself that way because of constant criticism/lack of approval from her mum. She also ended up in an abusive marriage. It’s very sad and she deserves better. I tell you this because I hope you find a better path, realise your own worth and how much your ds does and will continue to value you. Also to be aware not to get into an abusive relationship as it’s too common for people who have been abused/neglected by parents.

Also agree with above poster - you’d never know of her history if you met her. It’s not something people share easily.

She might be wishing you dead because you're a living record (and testament to) the abuse incurred by your dad, which she did nothing to stop. If you were absolutely fine then she could pretend to herself that she did right by you and that you're unscathed. Not the case, so she hates you. I imagine she does envy the bond btw you and DS something rotten too.

It's not you, it's her

I am so glad now that I posted now.

I too never share this stuff with anyone Kr1stina, I guess that’s what makes me feel alone and drowning. I can understand how you felt when they started trying it with your kids.

Doin- thankyou so much for the affirmations and kind words. I will try and make them a habit. I am sorry that you found yourself in an abusive marriage. You are so kind and deserve to treasured.

Lllstart- it is so lovely how kindly you speak about your mother. It is such a shame that she had been targeted by an abuser. This is what happened to me and my mum hates me for that too! There was never any compassion, ever.

Contessa- I think you hit the nail in the head with that insight. I never understood how you can put someone through hell and then hate them for not being able to do the conga and a merry jig on the daily. But that is why.

Chap- you are right, I will not give her the opportunity to hurt me anymore.

I go through phases of accepting that I have awful parents, but then it hits me when I feel like I have no one to turn to. I will have to find some counselling from somewhere. I find it toe curling to go to the doctor to ask for help but it’s probably best. Reading books to get better has been cutting it.

I find it's hard when you have no one else.
Loneliness creeps in and you think maybe this time they'll be nice / helpful to me
They aren't......
They never change.

But that's ok because you have
Everything you need inside yourself.

You're s strong woman who loves her ds

Me and my son are so close.

I did, like a lot of people, the exact opposite of my parents.

He's got confidence, self awareness, he's smart and
Kind.

Draw a line and move on.
Don't give them anymore head space.

You're got your ds and by working on a healthy relationship there , as you are doing everything wake will fall into place.

Yes Robin it’s so lovely to do the opposite of what our parents did.
I appreciate my son so much, it’s just as you know we cannot burden them with adult themes.

I guess I will have to get over the worry about not having any other adult support when life throws up the unexpected. I will cope with whatever.

Not all of us have parents who loved us. I also have CPTSD and have struggled my whole life. Indeed those with 'normal' childhoods just cannot understand fully the impact of neglect and feeling constantly in the way and a nuisance.

The only way is to leave them to it. Easier said than done but for the sake of your mental health and the happiness of your son this is the only way for you I think. Your mother is toxic, and will not change, they never do. You sound a great mum, make your family your life now.

I also reversed the way my mother was with me with my sons [who she had no interest in]. I have no idea how mothers/fathers can be cruel to their own children/grandchildren.

Break free and you will be free, free to do whatever you like without judgments. Free to make other contacts, hopefully new friends and more time to do it. Good luck.

You need to stay away from this lady. I know it is hard not to always give her another chance to behave like a real mother - but she is not going to I am afraid.

You need to lead your life without her. Her hatred is born out of guilt as she failed to protect you. She really has nothing to give you - can you move a distance away?

I’m sorry your mother has failed to carry out her basic obligations to you, OP. I don’t blame you for staying in contact all this time, in the hope that she’d start exceeding your expectations.

But she’s not, and she’s never going to. Wishing you dead is beyond forgivable. She doesn’t even deserve to call herself a mother.

I hope you can find the strength to walk away and protect yourself - and your child - from any more of her abuse.

You sound like a wonderful, strong mother. I think you should go completely no contact with your mum. She's toxic and no good for you or your DS. I don't say that lightly.

Without wanting to go too far into armchair psychology I can see why making friends is hard for you. You probably never learned to do it when you were little because you never had a safe and secure base to work from. And you probably aren't very good at taking the emotional risks we all have to take in developing friendships for that same reason. So please be very kind to yourself, don't beat yourself up. Maybe explore counselling. If you can heal from your childhood trauma, then friendship will come.

You're a caring loving protective mother. You're providing for yourself and your child. You're doing so well to keep your precious child away from these awful people. You've made a life away from their toxic influence. Take pride in that. Own your success. You're a success in spite of your parents, not because of them.

I'd also say that you have been pretty successful to turn out the way you have, despite everything. You write with great insight but I think you are focusing too much on your negatives we all have faults and not concentrating enough on your positives. You may not feel a success but to the outside world and more so than you realise, to your mother you will appear to be.

I think you are all right, I need to finally properly accept that as well as not having a father, I do not have a mother either.
Believe me she is not bothered about no contact anyway. It is me who get disappointed that she doesn’t want to spend time with me.

You have all helped so much and I feel a sense of real relief that you guys are saying stop hoping and stay away. I think other people telling you that how she acts is wrong has given me peace, she has been so successful in making me feel ashamed for having had difficulties. I was always angry at how unjust that was.

The problem I had with friends and relationships was that I was very naive and a people pleaser and it has had some serious consequences for me. I went from too trusting and empathetic to being scared to trust anyone. Hopefully, I can find the right balance. Have you ever noticed that having boundaries tends to make the wronguns dwindle away! It is eye opening.

I must say I am shocked at those of you who have said that your parents have also tried to pick on your kids or show no interest in them. I will not even bother trying to understand it, it is too twisted. Instinctively, I have kept my son away from her all his life. It was the first and last time she tried to pick on him! At least he is aware of boundaries and I am so pleased about that.

I feel like a weight has been lifted. Thank you.

This sounds flip, but it really isn't:

Take her at her word. Be dead to her; end the relationship.

She wants to hurt you, possibly passing on the hurt she's endured? (cod psychology maybe there).

I do think though that she's made it very, very clear that for her own reasons she doesn't love you or want the best for you. Quite the opposite.

Again, easier said than done, but find the people around you who are constructive and enrich your life rather than drag you so far down.

I just wanted to say, OP, that you sound really lovely: genuine, kind, empathic and exactly the kind of person most of us wish we had as a friend. Wishing you and your son lots of peace and happiness. You are each other’s family

I am the adult version of your son. My father's mother was beyond horrific. He cut her out when I was maybe two years old. I have no memory of her at all.

He was right to do so - it protected me hugely. My cousins have been horribly affected by their experiences with her and still are, and we're all in our forties.

When I got to late teens my dad explained everything to me, and to this day I'm grateful he kept me safe.

He's also been a good parent just like you are and we're still close. Look to the future with your son, you'll be fine.

Go NC. Do it for yourself and your own well being. Please know that one day, your son will thank you for it too.

For Weezol's dad
What a heart warming story

He's just got my vote for father of the year x

Me and my son are very close
It's a lovely feeling x

You need to cut your mum out of your life as she is not good for you and she certainly is not good for your DS. I also think she is very jealous of the relationship you have with your child as she is just a nasty vindictive person. Nothing good will come of that relationship with your mum and she’s proved that she can be nasty to a child which is disgusting so go NC with our blessing!

Cut all ties OP.

You want your mum in your life because despite all we crave love don't we?

But your mother is like a virus in your life, and for the sake of your own physical and emotional wellbeing you have to cut her out.

I've been NC with my mother for 7 years now and I so wish Id cut all ties many years before.

I used to wonder why my mum wasn't like my friends' mums. I finally had to accept she's not, and just break free of all of it.

It's not easy, but I feel so very free of the many years of upset and stress and anxiety she caused me.

I hope you follow the brilliant advice you've had upthread.

Look after yourself 💐

Just know that you have not done or caused anything to justify this treatment. You deserved better as a child and you deserve better now. You do not have to tolerate this from someone because you share DNA. Some people aren't cut out to be parents and I'm sorry your mother is one of them. I recommend getting on with your life happy and in the knowledge you are loved and do and did deserve better than what you were given. Maybe some form of counselling will help you move on in a more liberated way. Knowing you have been through awful treatment that could easily break you and have risen from the flames a stonger kinder more compasioate person.

I hope these messages give you some comfort, some things cannot be explained and life is truly unfair sometimes. You sound like a great parent and you should be very, very proud of that. I think for your own sanity and for your son's sake you really need to cut her off. Wishing you strength.

Your mother probably wants you dead because alive it's like a mirror being held up to her and she has to see that she has let you down so so sevely and she can't stomach it. Cut her out. People overuse the word toxic but Op she is like bloody nuclear waste.

You sound lovely with amazing intelligent insight. Don't let her ruin one more day of your life please.

Severely that should say - fat fingers.

OP, have a look for the thread "But we took you to Stately Homes" on this relationships board. You will find many kindred spirits there.

You have had great advice on this thread and I hope it helps you see that it truly is her, not you.

Your DS sounds great, you have obviously been a wonderful Mum to him despite having no role model.