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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Gauging A Man's Interest?

46 replies

BlackberryBeret · 10/10/2018 20:31

I was brought up old fashioned I know to believe that if a man was interested in a woman he would make some effort to make the first move. I'm not talking particularly about a hard chase but of the sort of asking for a number etc.

Background context was meeting at a mutual friend's house party, flirting and apparent chemistry. No physical contact. He is single. Never met before.

Following morning (people were staying over in separate bedrooms) he asked me if I was on Facebook which I am. He said he was and told me his full name.

Does the fact he didn't ask for a phone number or email address mean he's not interested?

If he is interested, should I wait for him to contact me through Facebook. Or should I contact him?

I really liked him and he's the first person in ages I've had any interest in but my last relationship was borderline abusive with a man who really didn't care about me and really damaged my self esteem. (He made me feel unattractive, unlovable and worthless).

So because of that I'm really looking for someone who is into me - is a bit keen. For that reason, I'm inclining against contacting him because I'm thinking that if he was interested he'd have taken more active steps like asking for a phone number.

I'm asking because I haven't stopped thinking about him and for a sense check in case.

I'm right aren't I? He's not interested.

OP posts:

Whatshouldmynamebe321 · 10/10/2018 20:37

I would say he's interested for sure! I would send him a message saying how lovely it was to meet him and see what comes back.
I think it's old fashioned to wait for a man to make the first move. Men can be equally as nervous as women in doing so.

Lifeisabeach09 · 10/10/2018 20:41

I know what you mean, OP.
Keen enough to give you his full name for a FB search but not his number?!
Sounds half-arsed.
I'd wait for him to contact you.

Original poster

BlackberryBeret · 10/10/2018 20:43

Now I'm more confused. Two conflicting posts!

OP posts:

missbehaving1000 · 10/10/2018 20:53

I agree with the first poster... if he asked if you were on fb, then gave you his full name when you said you were... it's like he's inviting you to look him up!
Maybe he's cautious about giving his number out, who knows?
If I were you, add him as a friend. Say how nice it was to meet him and take it from there!
Good luck

twilightsaga · 10/10/2018 20:57

Don't let past bad experiences ruin potentially positive ones. What if he has had the same experience as you and wants someone keen? Just add him and then wait to see if he sends a message. By the sound of it I'm sure he will.

ladamanera · 10/10/2018 21:36

Dont see patterns that arent there. For a lot of people, a facebook connection isnt a big deal (you can quietly disconnect again a week later) but not connecting when invited to would definitely suggest you aren't interested. Thats one strategy, if you meet him again soon- whereby when he asks “you didnt connect and ai didnt know your surname” you playfully said “oh were you asking me to search for you? I just thought you liked announcing your full name”. And then indicate that he can connect if he likes. But for every person (man or woman) who likes to take the lead, there has to be the other giving some expression of interest. A fluttered lash, a show of ankle, a facebook request (with no message if youd prefer him to initiate conversation)- something. No man operates in a vaccuum! Good luck!

Captainmomtotherescue · 10/10/2018 21:42

This is exactly how my partner and myself met. Mutual friends party, that neither of us were going to until the very last minute. He told me his full name, and I told him mine.
We only exchanged about 6 sentences in total the entire evening. When I got home that morning, I added him on Facebook. It progressed from there. At that stage he didn't have a mobile. Neither of us were actively looking for a relationship as we'd both come out of abusive relationships a year prior to us meeting.

We've now been together for 3 years and neither of us regret going to that party. Neither do I regret taking the initiative and making the first move.

I say add him! Even if he's not "interested", you can never have too many friends :)

merville · 10/10/2018 21:44

A lot of 'advice givers' would say it is best leaving it up to the man and if he's interested enough, he'll initiate. A suggestion that you contact him/initiate/do the 'work' was described as the woman 'doing the heavy lifting' in am advice book I read, they felt it was half-assed and an indication of not enough interest/excitement and they may have a point.

(The only reservation I'd have is that some men might fear rejection/not want to seem stalky/desperate etc. and think that sort of thing is enough from their side initially).

Won't you see him again sooner or later anyway if you share mutual social aquaintances?

ComtesseDeSpair · 10/10/2018 21:50

How many FB friends does he have? If loads then suggesting you add him possibly doesn’t mean a great deal.

That said, don’t overthink things: you’ve absolutely nothing to lose by sending a message, if he’s not interested then you’ll never see him again anyway.

Dahlietta · 10/10/2018 23:06

I would think he was interested. Why else would he tell you his full name so you could look him up on Facebook? Don't just send him a message though - it doesn't come into your main Facebook 'inbox' and he might not see it. Add him as a friend, then message him.

Twentyseventrombones · 11/10/2018 11:58

I think you can't call it to be honest.

It could be a casual look me up on FB (just friends thing) or it could be more of a "I hope I can see you again" (interested thing).

I'd friend him on FB but with a casual wait and see attitude. You'll find out soon enough.

Men aren't cookie cutter products. Some are chasers some are more circumspect.

MargoLovebutter · 11/10/2018 12:44

I think you need to step back a minute and take some of the 'hugeness' out of this.

Don't think about contacting this man on Facebook as potentially contacting your future husband and father of your babies!!!!!! Instead think about it as contacting someone you recently met to say what a great time you had at the party and it was good to meet him.

Looking at it that way, you have nothing to lose because if he doesn't get back to you, you haven't made a tit of yourself, you were just being friendly in the same way you would with any of the other guests you met at the party.

Orlandointhewilderness · 11/10/2018 12:55

I think he is interested. Add him and send a quick 'nice to have met you' message. I think if you don't then you are making it clear you don't like him! He could be nervous about asking for a number etc, it isn't always an easy thing to ask someone out!

Dontfeellikeamillenial · 11/10/2018 12:59

Er, it's 2018 and this is how it's done. Connect with him on fbook and take it from there.

Maybe he thought asking for your number was old fashioned and thought fbook is what's expected of him?

LonginesPrime · 11/10/2018 13:01

It could be that he's interested but has dated a weirdo (or two) in the past and wants to check out your posts to see what you're like before he decides whether to ask you out.

Or perhaps he's not interested and is on a mission to get more Facebook friends!

If you like him, I'd say connect with him and take it from there. I agree with others that there's no need to overthink it (unless you don't want him to have access to your fb info).

Holdingonbarely · 11/10/2018 13:04

I know where you are at! I just met someone who I clicked with. I asked him out and he said yes! Great I thought, I was being modern and then comes to date day and I heard nothing. So perhaps it is better to let them chase. Fuck all these rules are boring.

Original poster

BlackberryBeret · 11/10/2018 23:02

I asked him out and he said yes! Great I thought, I was being modern and then comes to date day and I heard nothing. So perhaps it is better to let them chase

Yes @Holdingonbarely - this is what I'm thinking. I get I'm over analysing but I don't really want to provoke a situation where he's vaguely luke warm , willing to date and have a shag but ultimately not that fussed and I end up getting clobbered emotionally again.

I think I'm not going to bother. If he was really interested he could get my number off our mutual friend. I'm not likely to see him again and I think I'm already too angsty about it.

I want a guy who is keen and will make an effort. I can't do another "relationship" with someone who makes me feel second best - or more like two hundred and twenty second best.

OP posts:

something2say · 11/10/2018 23:08

I'd agree with that. If he were that keen, he wouldn't let you know xxxx still, you had a nice time right? And it proves there are other men out there x

ladamanera · 11/10/2018 23:38

He may make an effort once you've indicated he wouldnt get knocked back. By doing a tiny little finger press on the add friend button. Men do often like making efforts - but you know, a brick wall isnt the most encouraging of signs. If you wait for the white charger and you dont actually have seventeen foot hair and live in a water tower surrounded by horny knights looking for incapacitated damsels, you may get more Lady of Shallott than Rapunzel. Not to be flippant- but your need for him to do anything says a lot about your selfconfidence and no third party can ever fix that as well as you can yourself. Especially not if you set them secret tests to overcome before they even know you like them.

ladamanera · 11/10/2018 23:39

Not “anything”- I meant “everything”

SuperSuperSuper · 11/10/2018 23:44

Add him and then initiate a chat.

Original poster

BlackberryBeret · 12/10/2018 00:20

Not to be flippant- but your need for him to do anything says a lot about your selfconfidence and no third party can ever fix that as well as you can yourself. Especially not if you set them secret tests to overcome before they even know you like them.

@ladamanera I wouldn't argue that I have low self confidence - as per my original post, I was made to feel like I wasn't worth anything - not attractive enough, not posh enough background, not anything enough. That's why this is bothering me now. I want my next relationship to be with someone who is actively keen.

It's not a secret test. It's more wanting to know someone is really interested.

But is it that much to ask? I know plenty of women in relationships where the man did take the first steps - ask for a number, get in touch first.

It's not like it's some mysterious crystal maze test of obscurity.

OP posts:

WhatsGoingOnEh · 12/10/2018 00:44

I think I'm not going to bother. If he was really interested he could get my number off our mutual friend. I'm not likely to see him again and I think I'm already too angsty about it.

I want a guy who is keen and will make an effort. I can't do another "relationship" with someone who makes me feel second best - or more like two

I used to frequent an amazing forum filled with women following The Rules. There's no question they'd agree with your post. They'd tell you to sit tight and even try to forget him for now because "he doesn't exist till he calls".

That kind of advice gets you slaughtered on MN 😆 but I have to say - those women all got married and were treated like angels by their men.

I've folllowed The Rules and I've broken them. The results when I've followed them have always been lovely.

I say follow your instincts.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 12/10/2018 00:44

Follow your instincts not to contact him, I mean.

Cjngs · 12/10/2018 06:20

I think you’re being smart here. You’re right if he was really interested, he’d have swapped phone numbers and contacted you immediately.
On mn there’s always the ask him out v wait to be asked. Like you I’m the latter because chasing isn’t me. I don’t care if women want to chase/ make the first move but I think you can’t force yourself to be one when you’re the other. ( if that makes sense)

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