Gauging A Man's Interest?

[BlackberryBeret]

I was brought up old fashioned I know to believe that if a man was interested in a woman he would make some effort to make the first move. I'm not talking particularly about a hard chase but of the sort of asking for a number etc.

Background context was meeting at a mutual friend's house party, flirting and apparent chemistry. No physical contact. He is single. Never met before.

Following morning (people were staying over in separate bedrooms) he asked me if I was on Facebook which I am. He said he was and told me his full name.

Does the fact he didn't ask for a phone number or email address mean he's not interested?

If he is interested, should I wait for him to contact me through Facebook. Or should I contact him?

I really liked him and he's the first person in ages I've had any interest in but my last relationship was borderline abusive with a man who really didn't care about me and really damaged my self esteem. (He made me feel unattractive, unlovable and worthless).

So because of that I'm really looking for someone who is into me - is a bit keen. For that reason, I'm inclining against contacting him because I'm thinking that if he was interested he'd have taken more active steps like asking for a phone number.

I'm asking because I haven't stopped thinking about him and for a sense check in case.

I'm right aren't I? He's not interested.

I’ve only asked a bloke out once.

He spent weeks if not months flirting with me. Told me he thought I was lovely, that I looked fantastic, etc....I thought we had real chemistry and couldn’t understand why he wasn’t asking me out. He asked me if I was dating anyone, etc.

I ended up asking him out as I thought he was shy, he said thanks but no thanks as he’d just started seeing someone.

They split up after a few weeks and I still saw him socially but he never asked me out. I do think some guys like the chase. If I was single now I do think I’d follow The Rules, however non pc and un feminist they are.

Does anyone have a link to The Rules?

I think I would be inclined to sit back and wait, I like to be chased as it proves how interested they are. I have messaged men before but I’m still single so it obviously hasn’t worked for me. Try and forget him for now or it will drive you nuts. I’m kind of in a similar situation with a man at the moment, I really like him but if he doesn’t put the effort in to show me he likes me then I’m not going to chase him.

@WhatsGoingOnEh

I used to frequent an amazing forum filled with women following The Rules

Do you have a link to this forum? Sounds like it might be useful!

I'm fortified by recent posts in my feeling that I should just leave it. I think also if anything happened, I'd constantly be thinking that it was only because I'd provoked it and he wasn't really that keen. My feeling like that would probably sabotage it anyway.

Male perspective if I may. Why this old trope about how men have to do all the chasing? perhaps he's nervous of rejection, perhaps he's just been reading about the #MeToo cases. Just follow him or whatever and send a message and ask him out.

It's hard being a woman, I imagine, but it ain't always easy being a bloke and trying to do the right thing and then being told that we should always be chasing.

Add him on fb and then do nothing. You know he is “acquaintance” material so that qualifies him for an fb add without it having to mean anything.

If he then sees that open door, even better

It's must more fun when they chase.
Weeds out the vaguely interested ones.
Who needs that ?
You either in or out.

Just don't run to fast that's all.

You need to be compatible in the way your relationship begins.

He might be shy, he might be playing games, he might be any number of things. Whatever it is, it's not a good fit for you right now because it has left you feeling like this! That's enough to let it pass you by.

Wait for something that doesn't leave you second guessing yourself before you've even swapped numbers.

I think that the best way is a middle ground between being totally passive and doing the chasing themselves.

Problem with doing nothing like The Rules is - I think - is that you're at greater risk of being chased by someone with an avoidant attachment style or who is actually emotionally unavailable as they find you being unavailable attractive, only to be turned off by you once you actually let yourself be vulnerable/show your true self etc. For a relationship to work you need to be emotionally available to each other at some point, and there is a certain type of person who will go off partners at this stage. Playing games at the start won't delay the inevitable if they are like this. I was recently ghosted by someone who chased me like mad and it was horrible, especially as it started right at the point I stopped the games so was too available.

But I think there are risks in being too proactive too. It can be harder to gauge boundaries this way, as times I've thought "I'm a modern women I'm going to contact when I want!" I've never been able to kill the nagging thought in the back of my mind that they are only responsive because I'm there. Plus it can so easily stray into needy territory (I know from experience) even though at the time it seems to make perfect sense to send them that meme/message them about that thing you saw etc.

One thing I've been doing that works really well for me is what I think of is the every-second-time rule. It's simple. Never start more than every second conversation, never send a message to a previously unanswered message, and never initiate more than every second thing IRL. Sounds like common sense but I think it strikes the right balance.

Personally, I'd add him and if he instigates communication great, if not, move on. Nothing to lose by adding him.

Yes exactly, just add him. You don’t actually know what he is thinking, and you are potentially missing out on a good friendship or even relationship, because this man hasn’t behaved in exactly the way you might have wanted him to.

Later, if he seems half arsed, then drop the whole thing. At the moment, by not adding him, you are not allowing there to be any potential thing. And the potential thing might be wonderful.

Adding someone on Facebook costs nothing.

Add him, and curate what he cannot see first so you're not giving every little meme and bikini shot away. No message. If he doesn't make another move you have your answer.

@BlokeHereInPeace

*Male perspective if I may. Why this old trope about how men have to do all the chasing? perhaps he's nervous of rejection, perhaps he's just been reading about the #MeToo cases. Just follow him or whatever and send a message and ask him out.

I hadn't thought of it that way but I think @SleepWarrior is right when she (?) says that it's about compatiblity. If he was "too nervous" of rejection, I would not want to date a man that was that wimpy or lacking in confidence in the first place - which is a separate issue from whether he's interested or not.

My main issue though is because I was tbh emotionally brutalised by someone who basically made me feel like no man would ever treat me nicely or would value me or find me attractive, that I need someone who does or at least will treat me with some care and kindness.

Whatever you say about #metoo I'm not talking about taking the physical lead vs sexual assault here, I'm talking about just asking for a phone number or taking the first step to get in touch.

I'm pretty sure that most single men if they met a woman that they really liked,were strongly attracted to and wanted to see again, would actually take some steps to stay in touch.

This thread has made me confused because I generally think I should jst leav it alone but then there are more posts saying add him as a friend on FB. I'd decided to leave it.

I would send him a short message on fb soon. Otherwise it will be left too long. Rules are there to be broken and there are lots of women with abusive exes who heavely persued them at the start of their relationships.

@Courtney555 Www.therulesbook.com is the authors' website. There are some bits of advice on there. Or just buy the books on Amazon.

What is wrong with just adding someone on Facebook? I don’t understand that. Facebook friends are often entirely meaningless randoms, so it wouldn’t mean anything. On the other hand it could be the start of something good.

Nothing to lose.

@BlackberryBeret I'm not on the forum anymore, and it changed names so often that I'm not even sure if it's still going. This was YEARS ago, late 90s - I had to access the first forum through a dial-up modem 😆

Following morning (people were staying over in separate bedrooms) he asked me if I was on Facebook which I am. He said he was and told me his full name.

So he didn't even ask to be FB friends? He just asked if you were on there.

If he really likes you, he'll get your contact details through your mutual friend, won't he.

If we were on the Rules forum now, they'd repeat that "he doesn't exist till he calls" and encourage you to make fun weekend plans. See a girlfriend, go to a film, find a singles night, etc. Go out, out, out!

What is wrong with just adding someone on Facebook?

Nothing at all, and he's perfectly capable of doing it too. 😆

Goodness me. Just add him on Facebook then he has a way to contact you. I’ve never read such a dramatic over analysing of such an every day event.

Following morning (people were staying over in separate bedrooms) he asked me if I was on Facebook which I am. He said he was and told me his full name.

I'm really confused.

You're agonizing about him NOT making the first move.

But he HAS made the first move. He actively asked you if you were on facebook, and then he gave you the information you need to add him as a friend.

He is now waiting to see if you liked him enough to add him as a friend. If you do, I have no doubt that he will be happy to message you.

If you're wary about adding a friend (and therefore giving them access to pretty much your whole timeline) then you can find them on facebook and send them a message with your phone number saying something like "I think it'd be better if we hung out a bit more before revealing our whole facebook life to each other, here's my number; call me on whatsapp!"

I would not want to date a man that was that wimpy or lacking in confidence in the first place - which is a separate issue from whether he's interested or not.

Many men are hugely worried about how they come across in the first instance, because treading that line can often be incredibly hard. You want us to be assertive and confident, but also apply no pressure of any kind whatsoever to you. That's not easy.

He is interested.

He has been considerate enough to create a non-binary situation for further contact.

If he asked for your number, then there is the pressure for you to say yes (which he doesn't want) and there's the risk you'll say no (which he doesn't want) so he's done the sensible thing and given you his contact details, and allowed you to make the decision on whether to make contact or not. This is about the most ideal way to make initial contact I can think of.

Stop overthinking it on mumsnet, get on FB, and send him a message saying you had a good time talking to him. Honestly.