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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What’s wrong with my relationship??

30 replies

SpotlessMind31 · 10/10/2018 10:29

DH and I have been together for 4 years.
We have 2 children. 1 from previous relationship who’s calls DH dad , they’re very close and also have a baby together.
DH and I got married recently (2 months).

DH has always been kind , supportive , doesn’t ask me to go out and get a job , maybe because he knows we can’t afford child care (not sure) he pays for DS school fees and he helps out around the house a lot when I ask and also with the kids.

Now....
this looks like the perfect relationship...
Except , he doesn’t hug me, he never comes to bed with me,he says I’ll be up shortly but never does, if I stay downstairs with him I know he only watches tv, golf , etc... he isn’t watching porn , (I have walked on him several times only to find him sleeping) .
he never holds me and kisses me.
And whenever we have sex (once a month) it’s rushed, more like he’s masturbarting me and waiting for me to orgasm and that’s it.(sorry TMI)... There’s no kiss on the neck , looking into my eyes ... nothing . Am I being too romantic and completely out of order ?

Is thia normal. I grew up unaware of what love is like , my mum neglected me and I never met my father , so I’ve been with my husband thinking he’s amazing, but is he ?!
I’m young ,skinny , He tells me I look good. my friends think I live the most amazing life with my beautiful kids and loving husband ,but I feeel like I live with a friend. There’s no intimacy.
When we first moved in together we had sex every night.
I know he’s not cheating on me , I always knows he’s whereabouts, phone calls and bank transactions.

Also , I wouldn’t even care if that once a month sex was actually sex, I can masturbate alone , it’s pathetic to have to accept this.
I thought he’d feel different about me -free the wedding , but things have gotten even worse. He works from home too... not that tiring ... he has a relaxed atmosphere and lifestyle....

Sorry for such long post , wanted to include everything about the relationship.
What’s wrong with this man? Help?! I don’t believe in divorce .... 😔

OP posts:
Namechanger55555 · 10/10/2018 11:02

Have you discussed this with your DH?

It sounds frustrating but my DH is similar but totally different. He spends all day/evening playing computer games then comes to bed really late and expects sex and intimacy. (When I'm winding down about to go to sleep)
I asked him why he does this and he explains that gaming is his stress relief and he also has a high sex drive, finds me attractive e.t.c. Hmm

Maybe your DH has a particularly low sex drive and your past early days of daily sex, were him trying to woo you? Best to have a chat with him before you start panicking yourself Smile

Original poster
SpotlessMind31 · 10/10/2018 11:32

Thanks NameChanger

I have tried taking to him and he ignores it, or says “we need to spend more time together” and then asks if I want to watch a movie and that’s it....

I would perfectly understand low sex drive ...
But what about , hugging me on a everyday basis ? What about kissing me sometimes.... don’t normal couples do that? Don’t people tal to their partner about everything and their other half is their best friend?
Who they laugh with and have intimacy ?

I’m lost here .... 😔

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 10/10/2018 11:33

I don’t believe in divorce
That's an odd statement.
Divorce is real.
It does happen on a daily basis.
Getting close to 50% of marriages now end this way.
And although no-one goes into a marriage thinking they will divorce, it's something many of us have to do, even if it's not what we want.
What if he cheated on you?
Would you not want to divorce him?
What if he walked and left and never came back?
Would you not want to divorce him?

So what does your DH say when you talk to him about this?
I assume you have discussed it?
I would suggest some couples therapy and some sex therapy.
There could be some deep seated issues with his past that he may need some help with.

Sorry, but lack of sex and then bad sex would be a deal-breaker for me, unless it could be worked on and the other person was willing!

hellsbellsmelons · 10/10/2018 11:36

OK, just seen your update and it would appear that it's time to sit him down and discuss this.
Properly. Suggest couples counselling.
I would also make it clear, that this could be a deal-breaker for you unless he's willing to address it.
If he still won't then I think it's ultimatum time.
You cannot live the rest of your life like this.
No love, or affection, or sense of being cherished.
It's no way to live.

gingeristhenewblack43 · 10/10/2018 11:42

If he works from home and you're a SAHM then maybe you spend too much time together?

Being with someone 24/7 does become monotonous and his coming up late to bed might be his way of trying to have some time to himself and space.

Rebecca36 · 10/10/2018 11:46

Is he afraid of you becoming pregnant? You really do need to discuss the situation with your husband, it sounds like a good relationship apart from what you've mentioned - too good to give up easily.

Mustang27 · 10/10/2018 11:52

What does young and skinny have to do with anything??

Loads of beautiful, smart & funny people can't hold a relationship together, the media and Hollywood show us this all the time. So that's irrelevant if you had stated visually in 4yrs you haven't changed fair enough.

You say you did used to have frequent sex, was that completely different to now? Is he maybe having problems being intimate?

I'm not a cuddly in your space kind of person but my husband is I try to compromise but I still struggle with the level of affection again this hasn't changed since we have been together though. Did you oh used to be more affectionate?

Mustang27 · 10/10/2018 11:57

By problems i should have just said struggling to get an erection

Ellisandra · 10/10/2018 11:58

How can you not afford childcare yet you can afford school fees? I’m surprised that you’re married to someone that you haven’t had a conversation with about whether you’re not looking for a job because of childcare costs or otherwise...

Did you think marriage was going to change him?

TBH, though divorce isn’t to be done lightly, it sounds quite immature and naïve to say that you don’t believe in it.

It’s impossible to say whether this is a “simple” mismatch in sex drive or whether you were duped into becoming a gay man’s cover story and family! (yes, dramatic but it happens - I’m not suggesting it is the case, just that it’s not possible for us to tell!)

Have you discussed this with him at all yet?

Original poster
SpotlessMind31 · 10/10/2018 12:11

I think everyone is different, when I say “I don’t believe in divorce” I don’t mean for everyone. I mean for me.

And yes, we save up really well to be able to send my DS to private school , that’s not the point of the conversation ladies... let’s focus ....

I don’t think he’s gay... but you never know aye...? 🤔

At the beginning of the relationship he was soooo attached, he used to want to have shower with me , cream my body , Jesus was even a bit much.
Now the man has gone the completely opposite way ...

I think I’m going to think hard about this....
And suggest counselling, (Jesus effing Christ we just got married ! ) I didn’t see this coming ....

Yes , I’m stupid enough to have thought that he would be more secure and happy in himself and be more than just a house friend after being married.

Thanks for your replies ladies ... I need to face this now ... 😔

OP posts:
Original poster
SpotlessMind31 · 10/10/2018 12:15

Ps:. When I say chilcare costs (since this is so important to discuss in order to give a list soul some advice ) I mean , if we were to pay for childcare I’d be giving my wage to the childminder ... or she might end up getting paid more than me, to bring up my children. So I can’t afford it, I’d love to, if we had loads of money I’d have a childminder and go get a dregree and be joly, but I chose this path. When my daughter is older I’ll have more options.
👍

OP posts:
Original poster
SpotlessMind31 · 10/10/2018 12:15

Los*

OP posts:
Original poster
SpotlessMind31 · 10/10/2018 12:15

Lost* argh

OP posts:
Mustang27 · 10/10/2018 12:19

Oh come on, now he is gay?!? If you were saying he was really into you and now just doesn't seem to be then what's changed? If you were at it like rabbits and penetrative sex never used to be an issue but now it is I'd suggest asking him out right if there is a problem, in a kind way of course.

I dunno why people always latch onto the childcare thing. Some people can and want to raise their children themselves not really a big deal.

Good luck with the counselling.

Original poster
SpotlessMind31 · 10/10/2018 12:25

Thanks Mustang...

I think I’m awful at confrontation. And I don’t want to sound harsh.
I want to sound like the person that I am, a wife willing to works things through...
it hurts inside . I didn’t mean to sound naive or even shallow.

Thanks again

OP posts:
Mustang27 · 10/10/2018 12:36

You don't need to be confrontational but do not saddle all the blame. It sounds like everything has remained the same for you so the problem is likely his. It's not nice to feel unwanted. Have you tried writing down your feelings and letting him read them maybe give him time to let them sink in and either talk to you or write back if two way conversation isn't his thing. Honestly though maybe start doing some things for you get a hobby or two get out and some of your own space you may find if he sees you living a little that his interest might peak a bit again. Sorry if I came across harsh.

Ellisandra · 10/10/2018 12:44

If you had a childminder, you’d go and get a degree.

You don’t believe in divorce for you.

In both these things, you come across as someone who thinks “I’ve made my bed and I’ll lie in it”.

You don’t even know if his opinion is that you can’t afford as a couple, for you to work. You could be doing a degree now. But it sounds like you haven’t discussed it?

Do not be passive. And do not think you have to accept a relationship as it is, because you chose it. It’s OK to change your mind. I think it was a poor decision to marry him when he’d already changed how he is with you, physically, without understanding why. But just because you made that decision doesn’t mean you’re stuck with it. You can divorce him - though, that’s a step too far at this stage!! But you can also challenge him about it. Do NOT think you’ve made your bed and now have to lie in it (with crap sex!)

Mustang27 · 10/10/2018 12:51

Agree with ellisandra on the you don't have to stay comment!!! I was married for 4 months when I left, different situation as it was an abusive relationship but I married him even though his behaviour was always getting that little bit worse. We all make mistakes.

Why are you going on about a degree @Ellisandra have I missed something in spotless's op @

Ellisandra · 10/10/2018 13:24

OP’s post at 12:15 re the degree.

I’m going waaaaaay beyond the original question, but here I’m seeing a woman who is a SAHM who doesn’t know what her husband’s opinion is on that - is it because he thinks OP wants that, because he thinks a woman’s place is in the home, because he thinks they can’t afford childcare...

OP would like to do a degree - does he even know?

Just seems to me that there is some passive acceptance by OP that this is just how it it is. OP, you come across to me as someone who thinks they just have to live with their choices (tbf I’m reading a lot into your divorce comment!)

I just want to get across that it’s fine to speak up. You don’t have to accept the status quo.

Singlenotsingle · 10/10/2018 13:35

Have you tried being affectionate with him? You take the lead, kiss when he comes home, cuddle up on the sofa? My dp does this a lot. He's a kissy huggy person and I'm not, so I just forget. He doesn't mind though; he wakes me up in the morning s sometimes smothering my face with kisses.

huttub · 10/10/2018 13:49

Why did you marry him? Thing were like this before. You need to talk to him, tell him what your needs are and ask him if he can meet them. You also need to ask him what his are and see if you can come to a compromise that suits you both.

Mustang27 · 10/10/2018 16:05

🤦🏻‍♀️ doh and there it is in black and white lol. Sorry I was so confused. Yep if you want a degree then go for it!!! Much better than hobbies lol sorry I missed it entirely.

Original poster
SpotlessMind31 · 10/10/2018 22:17

Sitting in bed, kitting and reading the advices, must admit I feel like it’s my fault now. What else could it be ....😔

OP posts:
Original poster
SpotlessMind31 · 10/10/2018 22:17

Knitting*

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 10/10/2018 22:23

Why would you think it was your fault?