Not sure if this is a dealbreaker, do i end my marriage

[LightSwitchedOn]

Hi,

I'm hoping for advice. I've posted under different usernames before.

I'm married with 2 young kids. We are both from different countries and live in a 3rd county with no family support. We previously lived in my home country for a number of years but moved here for my husband's job. It took me a long time to settle here but i think I've settled in now.

For the last few years, our sex life has been almost nil. I've tried to talk to my husband. He's constantly said it's not me, that he has trouble getting in the mood when he's been with the kids, that he has body issues etc. I was engaged previously and that relationship fell apart because of lack of sex. So I've always been very vocal about my fear that a relationship can fall apart without intimacy.

Sunday night again i asked why we were not having any sex. We had the usual fight/discussion. I was in tears. My husband slept in the spare room.

On Monday morning he told me that he's addicted to porn. He watches it on his phone about 3 or 4 times a week. He says he can't come without porn.

I'm so upset. I don't see how i can forgive him. I'm angry that he didn't tell me. I've pushed and pushed to try and address or problems and he let me go on thinking that there was some way i could have fixed this when it's clear that the porn issue was crucial.

He's asking me to forgive him and take him back. I don't know how i can. Am i expected to just sew up my vagina and ignore my sexual needs just to keep the family together? I'm just so angry that is up to me. I have to either pull up my big girl pants and find a way to forgive or break up my kids' home. I've no family here and have no idea how I'd cope on my own. I've also no idea how we could afford to run 2 households. I earn about as much as him but even with that taken into account it would mean moving to a whole new part of the city and having to start again.

Any suggestions and similar experiences would be really helpful. I really don't want to talk to anyone in real life as if we get back together I'd feel judged. Also, I'm totally blind sided by this. He's a lovely guy, a wonderful dad. I know that's such a fucking cliché but it is true.

Does he want to do something about being reliant on porn? If he did and proved he did by seeking help could you move forward together?

He says he wants to do something, that is ruined his life.

I just don't know that i can forgive him. I feel that he used me as a house manager and mum to the kids but essentially checked out of the emotional part of our relationship. I just feel like he abandoned me and now I'm expected to find a way to forgive or split the family

Hello switchedon. Sorry, bugger all advice but handhold x.

Also, a little bit envious (if that makes any sense) because at least your twat of a husband has owned up to the reason - mine refuses to discuss, full stop. He denies using porn, masturbating (sigh) or being secretly gay.

I hope your husband can come back to a real relationship with you, if he's lucky enough that you will still be there for him. I just can't conjure up any sympathy anymore for these pathetic 'men babies'.

Funny that, they all seem to be great dads, wonderful partners don't they? Except their not, not at all. They are selfish bastards that think it's their male right to watch all the porn in the world, no harm to anyone, but it's actually harming everyone, most importantly their wives, by lying and being secretive, by starving their wife of sex because they'd much rather wank to some 20yr on screen, wreaking their wives self esteem and then thinking sorry will fix it all. Then they are harming their kids because of all the tension, arguing that ensues after you've found your dh isn't who you thought he was at all and possible separation or divorce this can cause, and yes there are many woman who rightly leave men who prioritize porn over real life intimacy and sex. And lastly themselves, they get so used to porn, as has happened to op's, dh, that he can only come watching it, giving themselves porn induced erectile disfunction and end up sad lonely losers, that no woman wants to be with.

I'm sorry you are going through this op, I know how angry you must feel. It's really all down to if you can forgive what he's been doing up to now? And if he can honestly give it up and if you can trust that he won't start lying to cover his usage.. If you can't trust him then you should just walk, it's not worth it in the long run, regardless of the logistics, you will be happier without him.

That would be hard to forgive. He's lied to you for so long.

It’s possible to get help for porn addiction, so not all hope is lost. But it will surely depend a lot on what ‘flavours’ of porn he’s leant into, surely?

If it’s based on violence, multiple participants or people not of your gender it will surely be very difficult? I suppose the therapists who deal with this have to establish whether the addiction is the cause or the symptom of another problem (like, for instance, that a person’s always been gay but not admitted it to themselves or others).

I know there’d be some women for whom this discovery would absolutely be a deal-breaker, due to how they feel about the porn industry. Only you can know if you are like that. I’m not, and I’d be dragging his arse to a therapist by day’s end. Someone specialising in this specific thing. I assume the process involves appointments one-on-one and both together? I’m guessing it’s becoming quite common.

Good luck to you. I can see why you feel betrayed and defeated by this, hopefully options will present themselves as your shock & anger wears off a bit.

Thank you everyone. I don't know how to directly cite people but thank you all.

I'm pragmatic about porn. I know that most men watch some. We have had many discussions over the last few days. I think he has been watching straight forward porn, nothing too kinky and hopefully stuff that couples put up themselves voluntarily.

I think my main issue is that I'm really angry, both with him and myself. How could i have been so stupid!! I really want to go and have sex with anyone, just to feel wanted, but that doesn't seem life a very helpful solution . Essentially, if i forgive him i feel that he gets to do whatever he wants and gets off Scott free, whereas I'm the one thinking of the kids. I'm also from a very religious household (I'm atheist) but in my head i can hear my mother telling me that i should have minded him more and that i let myself go after the kids arrived

And I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone that my husband would rather watch porn than have sex with me.

What's his plan to fix this?

Is it just - You forgive him. Things carry on as normal. ? Or is he taking some responsibility?

You don't have to forgive him. It's fine to think this is a deal breaker. But equally, if you see something worthwhile in it for you, it's fine to see if it works out. You don't have to cut him off. You have agency here.

We don't have sex. We 've both battled mental health issues and a child that didn't sleep for 5years so we couldn't ever enjoy it. My sex drive is zero so is his it is horrible we you see pregnant people or the office bitches start talking about sex but I don't want to sleep with anyone so it's a bit different for me

Please don't be embarrassed and blame yourself, it's not you it's him. It's all him. I guarantee that he would be doing it whether he was with you or anyone else OP.

It's an addiction for these men, who are essentially selfish and lazy.

Only you can decide whether it's worth ending your marriage iver. I don't think I could cope with this but as a PP said there's still a chance with counseling if he is open to chance.

On the other hand, I understand that it's not easy to put all your resentment aside. He has ruined your marriage and treated you poorly. As hard as it is to work out the logistics, you only get one life and you deserve better.

I think I would be willing to work st it but only if he took responsibility and got help for the porn addiction and couples counselling for you both.

His plan is pretty "wooly", basically says he'll do whatever i want. He will do counselling (for the porn) and stop using it immediately and will go to couples counselling.

I feel like it's just words. He's not actually doing anything, just making more empty promises. I'm not even sure what i want him to do. How can i build the trust back and feel intimate with him again

I don't think you can build the trust back. He has to. Saying he'll "do anything" is nice, but ultimately far too little. You could try telling him what you want him to do is to win you back and leave it at that. Then it's up to him to think of what might have gone wrong, how he can fix it and how he can be attractive to you again.

In any case, you should start looking at how to live without him. Even if you come up with a mutually agreeable approach you have no idea if he'll stick to it. He's checked out before so his track record for being good enough isn't stellar. Be prepared.

The term "porn addiction" is overused. If he was "addicted" he'd be looking at it - and pulling himself - a lot more than what he's telling you. Probably every day for at least an hour or more. Either he's doing it a lot more than what he's willing to admit, or hes exaggerating the problem in its head.

Anyhow whatever the problem I suppose he should give a therapist a try. That would be embarrassing, but worth a try. And another underlying problem is probably he has low libido aggravated by the reliance on porn.

I actually would give him some credit here for coming forward (although I wouldn't tell him that). He didn't have to. So despite the addiction, he obviously thought a lot about what you said the night you slept apart and realised he needed to be honest to save your marriage. He took a pretty big leap of faith. What he needs to do now is to prove that he can move on from this and put you first. Can you give him that chance? Do you still love him?

I'm not saying he should have a free pass and he should forgive him just like that. I think he needs to work for forgiveness and he would really need to prove himself.

I'm a bit of a believer in "for better and for worse". Obviously that doesn't mean he's allowed to treat you like shit and if it's a deal breaker for you then it is and that's fair enough, but this is the "for worse" and if you can possibly find a way through then it's worth the fight. I suppose it depends how much you believe he wants to change and make an effort.

Google 'Your brain on porn' it will give you an insight into how common this is. High speed internet is the problem. Thankfully there is a way around it in a relatively short amount of time if you're willing to be open minded and go through it together.

If she’s willing to be open-minded?

Strange choice of words.

Op, your sex life has been almost nil for years because your dh chose it. He didn’t give a shit about you. I would have trouble forgiving him for that. Well - I wouldn’t bother - if he does want to make amends I would expect him to work very very hard.

I don’t think he deserves kudos for ‘being honest’- he’s neglected you for years.

you just both need to focus on your relationship more

Wow! Advice to a woman who has had no sex for years because her husband can’t be arsed/is addicted to porn- you need to focus on him more.

Is this hand maidens morning on mn?

Thanks for the comments. I'm a lawyer and have done a lot of family law before so know how to dissolve a marriage. If anything, my husband has no idea of our assets, household budgets etc. I'm reasonably confident that if we do separate we can be amicable and put the kids front and centre. I don't want to waste money on lawyers fees!

But, having helped clients through the separation process, i know the impact on the family. I don't want to put my kids through this.

Thisisntme, we've done all of that! I've spent the last 2 years doing all that, getting babysitters, asking friends to take the kids, talking leave from work so we can have a day in the house. I've pushed as much as i can and feel that he's let me do all the heavy lifting.

Not your fault OP, all down to him, can't believe some of the responses you are getting, he checked out 4 years ago, dumped you for porn and now has an addiction; personally I'd temporary split from him and would not take him back unless he could actually contribute to a proper loving relationship; I'd have no trust in him, I'd lose trust in him as a person that cared about me.