Not sure if this is a dealbreaker, do i end my marriage

[LightSwitchedOn]

Hi,

I'm hoping for advice. I've posted under different usernames before.

I'm married with 2 young kids. We are both from different countries and live in a 3rd county with no family support. We previously lived in my home country for a number of years but moved here for my husband's job. It took me a long time to settle here but i think I've settled in now.

For the last few years, our sex life has been almost nil. I've tried to talk to my husband. He's constantly said it's not me, that he has trouble getting in the mood when he's been with the kids, that he has body issues etc. I was engaged previously and that relationship fell apart because of lack of sex. So I've always been very vocal about my fear that a relationship can fall apart without intimacy.

Sunday night again i asked why we were not having any sex. We had the usual fight/discussion. I was in tears. My husband slept in the spare room.

On Monday morning he told me that he's addicted to porn. He watches it on his phone about 3 or 4 times a week. He says he can't come without porn.

I'm so upset. I don't see how i can forgive him. I'm angry that he didn't tell me. I've pushed and pushed to try and address or problems and he let me go on thinking that there was some way i could have fixed this when it's clear that the porn issue was crucial.

He's asking me to forgive him and take him back. I don't know how i can. Am i expected to just sew up my vagina and ignore my sexual needs just to keep the family together? I'm just so angry that is up to me. I have to either pull up my big girl pants and find a way to forgive or break up my kids' home. I've no family here and have no idea how I'd cope on my own. I've also no idea how we could afford to run 2 households. I earn about as much as him but even with that taken into account it would mean moving to a whole new part of the city and having to start again.

Any suggestions and similar experiences would be really helpful. I really don't want to talk to anyone in real life as if we get back together I'd feel judged. Also, I'm totally blind sided by this. He's a lovely guy, a wonderful dad. I know that's such a fucking cliché but it is true.

He's told you that he'll do what you want him to, this is lazy. Tell him to get sorted out and to organise everything to sort this mess out. If he does nothing, he's not going to change and he has no respect for you or the marriage.

I am in a very similar situation. Over 20 years in - 5 year old son. No sex or intimacy at all. It's been an issue since we married 19 years ago - I almost left 10 years ago but stayed in the end. We then managed to have sex a little to conceive but nothing since. He admitted to me last week he does wank and watch porn occasionally. I am at the end of my tether - I just can't stand it anymore but don't want to break up our family. We are good friends, like parenting together, share similar aspirations. However I am 44 and cannot live the rest of my life with no sex or affection. I am scared and angry.

I am sorry you are going thorough this shit too. I honestly wish I had left in my early 30's when I was less wrinkly and fat!!

Advice to a woman who has had no sex for years because her husband can’t be arsed/is addicted to porn- you need to focus on him more.

To be fair if she were a man we'd be telling him to do more housework and put up with it

I've no advice to offer OP because i just recebtlt found out that my husband is part of an online facebook group where people post xrated pics of themselves. Recently he has had some "performance" issues and you post has juat hit me like a brick wall that the reason he cant perform is becauae im not them. Im not the cheap tacky dirty thrill he's beeb getting off those other women's pictures.

I cant say if it is a dealbreaker or not because I have figured that bit out either im afraid :-(

In the end, though, the children will suffer if you become unhappy and resentful in your marriage.

As a lawyer, you will see the cases where there is acrimony. And how do you know the children are worse off in two separate households than with parents fighting, or an alcoholic or abusive father, or whatever caused the divorce?

I am not saying leave your marriage, just that no-one gets divorced thinking they will put their children through a difficult situation. Mainly, they do it to get their children out of a difficult situation. Functioning marriages don’t end up in divorce courts.

I think it's a positive thing that he's opened up to you - this could be the start of being more open and improving your relationship. I understand why you'd be hurt, it feels like a betrayal and it is. Bare in mind that he has probably been struggling with this for sometime and he doesn't want to be addicted to porn. I think with continued honesty and some counselling you could survive this, if that's what you want. You have every right to be hurt and angry though.

@itsaruddygame it sounds like you are where I will be in a few years. I just don't know what to do.

It has been really helpful reading the comments and particularly nice to know I'm not alone. Sorry to all of you who are in this boat with me- it sucks

@katarajean, you're right, i trend to be biased because i see the worst but have also seen people mediate agreements and co parent with wonderful results. I think that my mother stayed in a very unhappy marriage. She said it was for the kids (I'm not sure it was) and there was a horrible atmosphere at home very often. I agree it's better to separate in those circumstances.

I suppose i want to know what "gaining my trust" back means and how he is going to do it. At the moment i just feel in limbo

He’s made a start and admitted it to you. That’s a good thing. I suppose the questions now are 1. Do you still want him? 2. If so, under what circumstances, and 3. What is he doing to help win back your trust? If he’s asking for you to make the decision for him then he’s not trying - he’s just a passive participant. Ask him what he’s going to do to sort out his porn addiction and develop an intimate relationship with you. He should, at a minimum, be seeking counselling with someone who’s an expert in the field. If you’re not happy with the outcomes or suggestions then you should think about separating. It’s difficult and horrible, but your kids will benefit from happier parents, and you can go on to meet someone who better shares your values about what a relationship means.

If he's serious then he should get counselling for his porn addiction. I'd give him a timeframe in which to do so and let him know if he doesn't you'll need to seriously consider whether or not your have a future together.

Also...just because he can't come without porn...doesn't mean he can't make you come and take care of you. It's just laziness and selfishness on his part.

Funny that, they all seem to be great dads, wonderful partners don't they? Except their not, not at all. They are selfish bastards that think it's their male right to watch all the porn in the world, no harm to anyone, but it's actually harming everyone, most importantly their wives, by lying and being secretive, by starving their wife of sex because they'd much rather wank to some 20yr on screen, wreaking their wives self esteem and then thinking sorry will fix it all.

I'm male and do not watch porn. I've just come out of another relation where the woman enjoys porn and imo it influenced her expectations and tastes. Or maybe porn just happens to capture her tastes - who knows. I'm unfamiliar with contemporary porn however I told her I would be happy to watch some with her to get an idea of what she expects of me although I wouldn't watch it solo. It never happened and in the end she lost interest.

Her expectation of me was long, hard sex with little to no foreplay. Sounds great but unfortunately not all men are capable of such things and I just couldn't give her that. Obviously it wasn't meant to be. To be fair she takes a long time to come and I did persuade her to indulge in some long foreplay which didn't bring her to orgasm - so I can understand why she would want long, hard sex as it appears to be the only way she can come with a man. But is she like that and porn happens to reflect it, or has she become that way from masturbating to porn for years? (Which she admitted to me she has been doing.)

I have had relationships with women whose expectations/tastes are not porn-influenced however from my limited experiences with women in the last decade or so I think wanting to replicate porn is common. We're all entitled to our tastes so if a woman wants a man whose sexual performance is that of a porn star then that's her right. However as most men are physically incapable of that, even if (as in my case) they would love to do so, where does that leave us?

The reason I'm digressing from the OP a little is because my experience is very different to the generalisation quoted above.

I don't know what country you are living in has anything to do with this but anyway ...

You are sexually mismatched.

You need someone who wants to shag every night and he needs someone who is looking for a life partner with hand holds, hugs and mutual love/friendship.

I think you need to move on and find someone else.

@LinoVentura You are a minority it seems. Statistics quote more men then not watch porn but not all are effected negatively using it. When I say "they all" I am of course talking about men who have become addicted and choose it over sex with their partners.

Lightswitched, actually it seems like you are in a Deadbedroom situation. See the Reddit forum of the same name. His problems with porn aren't the only problem, indeed they aren't even the main problem. Its a mix of low libido, apathy, lack of attraction to you, depression, a bit of selfishness, all complicated by the porn issue.

Up til now he's show no real interest or enthusiasm for dealing with his disinterest in sex. Only when you start seriously suggesting leaving does he do something. There will be a brief improvement, and then it will back to the status quo. This is the classic pattern, and the chance of things changing are very low.

You need someone who wants to shag every night and he needs someone who is looking for a life partner with hand holds, hugs and mutual love/friendship

Eh?! What a bizarre thing to say. You’re either on the wrong thread or projecting wildly.

How are you doing op? What efforts is your dh going to to turn this around?
You are perfectly within your rights to say ‘this is too late’...

I think the problem is that not only has he used you as the domestic manager while he checked out sexually, but he has also given you the responsibility of telling him what needs to be done to sort it out, when you did not create the problem.

I think in your situation, I would feel betrayed and lied to. I do not know what the answer is, except time to see what he does and how you feel.

There are also the practicalities of separating. If you moved to the third country when he was already emotionally not there, then that is worse in a way. The questions are whether you both work, if you moved to your own country would it remain amicable if he could not see the children regularly. And so on. I don’t mean write it all on here in case it identifies you, just think through the practicalities.

Also living abroad w no support so totally get the dilemma you are facing.
My first thought would be don’t be so pragmatic about the porn - look what it has done to your marriage and your sex life. It’s presented to society as ok but it’s actually really damaging. Porn destroys relationships.
Is your DH willing to have councelling - and as part of that when you are ready - resume a sexual relationship. That’s what you need to find out.
I wish you strength and courage.

Not sure if this has been asked already, but is the issue a porn addiction, or is it penis sensitivity due to so much masturbation? I feel like there is a significant difference between the two, and I guess it could even be both.

Have a look for a good private relationship counsellor who is also a sex therapist. Have at least half a dozen sessions together. Then at that time you can gauge whether trust will continue to be an issue and whether there is enough common ground and care to continue the relationship. Counselling can be very productive at getting to the real issues, and it might transpire there is a reason your partner avoids sexual thus emotional intimacy.

Morning everyone

I think the adrenaline is wearing off as I'm just exhausted. Work is really busy and with the kids too, I'm pretty distracted. I suppose that's a good thing.

Plus i only cried in the toilets once yesterday. Progress.

We're in separate bedrooms, still talking but not sure we're getting anywhere. It's all very polite, discussing the kids and him apologising the whole time but i still feel like I'm waiting for something to happen. He's suggested a counseller. I know we need to do it but the cost pisses me off. I resent having to put hundred of dollars into something he caused from family money. I've said he can drop his gym membership at least. Petty i know. We don't have separate savings, all income is treated as "family".

I've told him i need space and that he needs to deal with the house and kids while i process this (I'm cynical about this. I'll have to deal with our tax in my home country plus he always asks me stuff.) We have some big occasions coming up and I've no idea how I'll get through them. I don't want to be the drunken woman crying in the corner.

I did think about taking a lover @Mirrivan but think that might complicate it. Like @Itsaruddygame, we are actually good friends and get on well. I don't think I'd like a series of one night stands, i definitely want intimacy and love as part of sex (well, most of the time! ). I just want a husband who wants me. I just wish this had never happened

To be honest, this doesn't sound right to me. I really don't see how being into porn - i.e. having an interest in sex - would put anyone off wanting to have real sex. I would keep an open mind that this might not be the real issue.

You are a minority it seems. Statistics quote more men then not watch porn but not all are effected negatively using it. When I say "they all" I am of course talking about men who have become addicted and choose it over sex with their partners.

Thanks for the clarification. I'm digressing from the OP however the issue of porn having an impact on sexual mores and expectations is definitely something that affects men due to women viewing porn, as well as the reverse.

@LinoVentura
I agree, IMO porn has a negative impact on everyone who watches it, be it ethical, unrealistic sexual expectations, addiction, self esteem, pied, etc, etc. Porn use is not healthy and needs to stop being pushed as normal, it's a seedy, horrible industry and people need to care more about what they are watching to get off to.