The "i would like you to work on" box. Will this work?

[whatwillbewillbe03]

Me and my fiance of two years have had horrible year of what feels like none stop fighting. It all came to a head at the weekend and i decided enough was enough and i ended it.

The main root of all our fights seems to be the the fact with both harbour negative emotions and then when it all blows up he goes verbally crazy and I stonewall. We both harbour for different reasons but both love each other deeply but this way of communication is breaking the both of us.

Yesterday and he (finally) apologised for his part in why i harbour and keep things from him, he cried and told me he couldn't lose me. He asked me to go to the shop with him to buy two boxes and to please have faith in our relationship and love.

In the evening we both discussed that every two weeks we would write down one thing that we would like the other person to work on and the reason why that was important to you. This cannot be questioned and the other person must accept this and for the next two weeks work on what their partner has wrote. During the two weeks we each write appreciation notes to put in the boxes if and when we feel we have been heard and how it made us feel. At the end of the two weeks we read out loud the notes we have been given by eachother and then write the next "i would like you to work on" note.

The idea behind it is that we bring up anything we feel the relationship is that we don't harbour and that our feelings HAVE to be heard without judgement and the other person gets to understand that whilst some thing may not be important to them they are important to the other person.

Is this a crazy idea? after an awful year will this save our relationship?

I don't think it's a good idea at all, sorry, OP.

Why not just actually talk about it at a designated time, with some rules in place? This seems like another passive way to solve issues. At what point do you get to speak beyond a few sentences about it, or to discuss with some back and forth, to really understand one another's points of view?

As an aside, do you mean you've been together 2 years or just engaged for 2 years (and together presumably much longer)? That seems relevant given how long this issue has been going on for.

It sounds like another thing to set off an argument. If it’s this much hard work, and you’re resorting to boxes to solve the communication problem then is the relationship worth it?

I think making an effort to work on your relationship and listen to each other will help. Doing it with a box might work, or you might both just explode with the feeling of not being able to defend yourself from what you perceive as unfair, passive aggressive, 'suggestions'.

Have you considered going to relationship counselling together?

Tbh I find it concerning that you both think you've got enough issues with each other to work on a new one each fortnight - are you sure you're compatible? Are you actually happy together?

We have been together since Sept 2016 and Engaged since Feb 2018.. we have both had very difficult pasts and have opposites ways to communicate, both unhealthy.

I want to be with him but I can't be in the relationship we have come to create the last 10 months it's toxic for both of us.. but we both want to fix it.

I just think it shouldn't be this hard work so early on.

Try it. Either it works or it doesn't, but things can't get much worse can they?

Sounds quite negative. Could you not think of things that have gone well too. Sounds like you'll just be picking things to argue about

So your relationship has been bad for almost as long as it's been good?

Personally I would look into counselling and set yourself a timeline. If things are still bad in X months, throw in the towel. It's still a new relationships and things shouldn't be this hard already! Sorry, am sure that's not really what you want to hear but do you want 30 years+ more of this, after a nice 14 months to start with?

Hmm I don’t think I could handle being criticised on a fortnightly basis! I also find the idea that you would have so many things you felt the other one “should work on” a little worrying. It doesn’t really seem to be a way to improve communication, and to me a big part of marriage is to say “I see you for all your good parts and your bad parts and accept you for who you are not who I want to you to be.” What do you get from this relationship?

Have you thought that you might write "I'd like you to take your share in washing up" when he writes something horrible about your personality?

It sounds like a job in a really crap organisation where your line manager is an arsehole and you don’t even get to come home at the end of the day

No. No two year long relationship should be this hard and involve writing notes, posting them in boxes and contemplating your navels - with potentially difficult messages to each other . You clearly aren't suited.

If the pair of you are like this 2 years in - when you both should be utterly loved up - can you imagine how it will be 5 or 10 years on when you might have kids to add to the mix?? Are you going to put notes in a box when you disagree with how you parent your children?

Please, just don't. This is a recipe for disaster. For both of you.

If you both had difficult pasts, then the best thing is for you to go to individual therapy, not relationship counselling, which won't really address those pasts at all. Or do some kind of deep relational therapy, such as imago therapy.

I don't think you'll be able to do it without help, though. Without re-learning deep-seated thoughts and behaviours, your well-intentioned "box scheme" would probably end up simply giving your problems some fuel.

There's a great book that can shed some light on why it is that you are the way you are: "They F* You Up" by Oliver James

I think this is much more likely to cause harm than good; and it does nothing to address the issues with communication. You will need to be able to talk to each other and work things out in the future...

I would really hate that.

What if one of you put something that the other thought was unfair or unnecessary? It could make you very defensive and resentful.

So you could write anything and the other person just has to accept they must work on it?

Yeah that wouldn't work for me. Exh was always throwing around false accusations. Or deliberately misinterpreting thing so he could have a go.

I mean come on your relationship has been 'toxic' for half of it. It really shouldn't be like this.

You’re clutching at straws.

I really don't think it's supposed to be that hard and complicated.

You've been like this nearly half of your relationship and it's early days. I'm sorry OP, but I don't think you're compatable. A relationship shouldn't be like this 2 years in

God, OP, I’m sorry but this sounds horrible. I’ve been with my dh for 10 years and we’ve been through some shit in that time (victims of violent crime, multiple international moves, two dc, a miscarriage, horrible drama in extended family) and we also both come from unstable family backgrounds, but even with all that, it still shouldn’t be this hard especially so early on. You should be carefree and having fun and creating memories and enjoying life, not working so hard at it already. If it’s that hard, it’s just not meant to be.

TBH you’ve only been together 2 years. You should be spending your time shagging and having nice dinners together. This sounds like far too much hassle.

It sounds like you are in a anxious / avoidant relationship or pursuer / distancer relationship. Both react in your own ways but that inadvertently triggers the other. Start of relationship it's not as obvious but as relationship develops so too does the pattern and reactions. I would recommend couples therapy and reading up on it to see if that sounds like both of you.