The "i would like you to work on" box. Will this work?

[whatwillbewillbe03]

Me and my fiance of two years have had horrible year of what feels like none stop fighting. It all came to a head at the weekend and i decided enough was enough and i ended it.

The main root of all our fights seems to be the the fact with both harbour negative emotions and then when it all blows up he goes verbally crazy and I stonewall. We both harbour for different reasons but both love each other deeply but this way of communication is breaking the both of us.

Yesterday and he (finally) apologised for his part in why i harbour and keep things from him, he cried and told me he couldn't lose me. He asked me to go to the shop with him to buy two boxes and to please have faith in our relationship and love.

In the evening we both discussed that every two weeks we would write down one thing that we would like the other person to work on and the reason why that was important to you. This cannot be questioned and the other person must accept this and for the next two weeks work on what their partner has wrote. During the two weeks we each write appreciation notes to put in the boxes if and when we feel we have been heard and how it made us feel. At the end of the two weeks we read out loud the notes we have been given by eachother and then write the next "i would like you to work on" note.

The idea behind it is that we bring up anything we feel the relationship is that we don't harbour and that our feelings HAVE to be heard without judgement and the other person gets to understand that whilst some thing may not be important to them they are important to the other person.

Is this a crazy idea? after an awful year will this save our relationship?

I would recommend couples therapy. The box is perhaps well intended, maybe not, either way there is an acceptance that both of you contribute in some way to the issue. I suspect the box will fall short of addressing the background / triggers of the behaviours.
If you end the relationship, it's almost inevitable that you will both repeat the scenarios in next relationship as that is how you both deal with conflict. Which isn't healthy for either of you. Even if the relationship ends, couples therapy helps you both understand how you got there and hopefully stops it being repeated going forward. Individual therapy for it may inadvertently just blame other partner for problem rather than the dynamics of what's actually going on. Reading up on it goes a long long way to starting to unpick it all whether for this relationship or the next. Good luck!

I would talk to a counsellor on your own and not with him present.

I think the box idea is terrible and will be just used to bash you about the head with.

You have a child. What do you want to teach your DD about relationships and just what is she learning from the two of you re same?. You did not learn good lessons on relationships when growing up and have likely simply transferred all this to your present day relationship now. Would you want her to be in a relationship like yours is; you would likely answer no. Its not a good enough relationship for you either.

Aaaargh that sounds like a lot of hard work. And so early on. You should still be in the honeymoon period. Move on OP.

If he's not affectionate now he isn't going to be in a years time or five years time. No amount of notes in a box will change his personality. Or yours.

It shouldn't be this hard OP, really. You should be having fun and be able to discuss your differences as and when they arise.

Also, what is with the 'you have to do it'?

Where are the boundaries?

Yes, "I would like you to work on doing more of the washing up" vs
"I would like you to work on your dislike of anal sex" and you have to work on it?!

Exactly category12 He can ask the OP to do anything, and she's not allowed to question it, dismiss it or refuse it.

Has disaster written all over it.

Op, usually between the 18 month and 2 year mark is when the cracks that might suggest it's not going to be a long term relationship appear. That's what's happening here. The first year is almost always amazing. That shouldn't be your benchmark. The second year is usually closer to the real temperature of the relationship. And your's isn't sounding all that good to be honest,

Sorry i haven't explained the"you have to do it" properly. I meant that you cannot question that other person's feeling/reasoning behind what they have wrote (the reason is wrote down too).

I.e i would like you to work on being more affection as this makes me feel wanted etc... he may think he gives me enough affection however the fact that i wrote it means i don't think he does and he cant argue with that. It meant to show that we both want to work on our relationship and no ones persons needs are more important than the other and if we both work on it there will bee no built up issues.

We have the same core values and want the same things its the petty arguments and the way in which we communicate through them that gets way out of control. I've got to the point where i don't want to tell him how i feel through fear of his reaction and it turning into an argument and he fears my stonewalling. This is meant to be a temporary solution to gets us both past those fears and eventually not have to use the box as we will be able to communicate without our fears.

You are all right though and my argument to not try this was that things should not be this hard. Circumstance this last 10 months have meant that things have not been easy for us in general. Him losing his job, dad dying and mum having a heart attack.

My heart says one think my head another.

I absolutely appreciate all your input. Thank you.

I used to be with someone who instigated the annual relationship appraisal. I never felt good enough. After too long a time and much more evidence I came to realise that we were not well suited and ended it.

So why can’t you write in the box “I don’t want you to shout at me when I raise and a problem”. And he writes “I don’t want you to stonewall me when I ask what’s wrong”.

Cos my spidey senses are telling me that you spoke up just fine until he started shouting you down.

You’re not stonewalling for the hell of it - you just said yourself, you’re in fear of his reaction.

So he lost his job, his dad died and his mum got sick? That’s awful. Don’t see that it means he’s going to start making you afraid to speak up though. Any chance this is just him, and the stress of the other things brought his façade down quicker than planned?

You’re not stonewalling for the hell of it - you just said yourself, you’re in fear of his reaction.

Or maybe he is shouting out of frustration at being stonewalled. Stonewalling would count as abuse as much as yelling.

It sounds like it's toxic from both sides.