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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

married and fallen in love

50 replies

search4truth · 09/10/2018 02:53

I´ve been married to this exceptional woman for 14 years. We have an 8 year old boy, he means the world to both of us and have a pretty "comfortable" life and I love my wife. Everything seemed perfect until I met this woman who I fell in love with.
I´m old enough to know that getting to know this woman who I´ve been in communication and having exceptional sex for a couple of months now may reveal that it´s not real love (we barely know each other!) but the idea of freedom and a simpler life are strong enough to keep us sharing so much.
My wife found out about my affair and gave me an opportunity to make things better in our marriage after I told her that it was a one time thing. But things escalated and I cant stop thinking and communicating with this new woman who makes me feel so happy, alive and free. Recently my affair told me she wouldnt continue in this relationship unless I made some changes (we all know what this means), and we decided to stop texting but, after a couple of days we couldnt help calling each other and we´re back in touch. She is in love too.
The confusion I´ve been living with has caused great disconnection in my marriage and my disloyalty to my wife is driving me crazy, she´s been understanding of our disconnection and willing to do anything to save our marriage.
I don´t expect to find a solution here, I´m perfectly aware of what´s right and what´s wrong but....can love be wrong? Why is this happening?

OP posts:

Hedgehogblues · 09/10/2018 02:57

Grow the eff up

stellabird · 09/10/2018 03:10

I'm not going to tell you that you are wrong - you already know that . BUT I do question one thing - you say " we barely know each other" - this is despite being "in communication" for months and having sex . Exceptional sex, no less. So....how is it that you still barely know each other ? Do you only talk about sex / wanting to have it etc ?

I only ask because my DH and I met online and talked via emails and Messenger for months before meeting - and after a few months of that we knew more than most people know about each other. So how come you know so little , I wonder.

Anyhow, that's just a thought. You are obviously in lust, I doubt that it's love, and I do feel sorry for all of you - your wife, son, and this other woman who sounds as shallow as you are.

artio0 · 09/10/2018 03:18

It's happening because you let it happen. You've made all the decisions that lead to your situation yourself. Love itself isn't anything. But you are betraying your wife right now, you are lying to her and abusing her trust. That's wrong and you're being cruel.

FollowYourOwnNorthStar · 09/10/2018 03:40

It’s interesting to see how you have romantised and justified what is in fact a sordid affair and incredibly hurtful to lots of people, including your wife, son and the OW.

Can love be wrong? you ask. Yes. It can. It’s a question I usually hear posed in my line of work by those seeking to justify underage or brestiality predilections. Not a group I would want to start musing hypothetically with.

FollowYourOwnNorthStar · 09/10/2018 03:41

*beastiality

Monty27 · 09/10/2018 03:45

Why is this happening? Because you are weak and disloyal

BitOfFun · 09/10/2018 03:46

*bestialty

AltheaorDonna · 09/10/2018 03:54

Oh grow up and try using your big head not your little one to think with.

Howdoyoudoit31 · 09/10/2018 03:57

I agree with Stella. How can you barley know each other if you have been in constant communication for months and having sex?
You must know each other pretty well...

Cawfee · 09/10/2018 04:04

How did you meet if you barely know each other?

sadiesnakes · 09/10/2018 04:15

Your poor poor wife. Her self esteem must be in tatters to want to stay with you. You are a horrible person op.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/10/2018 04:15

I'm wondering which of your excellent qualities she fell in love with? The lying, the cheating, the disloyalty, the messing with your family, making the mother of your child miserable?

You're in love with yourselves. And the idea of freedom. Oh and some hormones. And you're using this to justify really dirty, nasty behaviour.

I hope your wife meets a hot, loyal, good man soon. Who treats her well and takes her out for lovely dates while you have weekends with your child.

TuMeke · 09/10/2018 04:28

Well you sound like a right fucking prize OP.

Your poor wife, to discover that she’s married to a lying, cheating prick. Here’s hoping she kicks you out soon so you can keep having your ‘exceptional sex’ (boak) and she can move on with her life without a selfish, faithless twat in it.

sofato5miles · 09/10/2018 04:34

www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_rethinking_infidelity_a_talk_for_anyone_who_has_ever_loved/up-next?language=en

From what I read the feeling of feeling alive is very common. Also, the affair partner shows us a reflection of what we want to see. Where a the long term slide sees us for whom we really are.

Go no contact. Immediately. No ifs or buts. This is not real.

sofato5miles · 09/10/2018 04:34

Slide! I mean spouse.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 09/10/2018 04:41

You did all this. The heartbreak your DW is feeling was predictable. When your marriage breaks down your DS will suffer too. All down to you. So much for him meaning the world to you.

If you're in a committed relationship and you meet someone you find very attractive you do everything you can to avoid them. You don't feed it. You wouldn't be "in love" now if you hadn't deliberately started communicating with this woman. Sounds like you met online - there's nothing chance about it You're weak and self-absorbed.

My sympathy is all for your wife. I hope she turfs your sorry arse out.

KeepCalm · 09/10/2018 04:50

You REEK of a midlife crisis.

If you could please point your poor DW in this direction and the collective genius that is MN will give her step by step instructions on how to LTB (you) and rebuild herself a better life without you.

dotty12345 · 09/10/2018 04:50

Are you my twat of an ex? So so so selfish! I hope your wife wakes up and sees you for the cunt you are tbh.

ShamelesslyPlacemarking · 09/10/2018 04:52

can love be wrong?

It's not love, it's lust. And yes, acting on it is wrong when you're married. But you already knew that, because you admit you barely know each other.

You feel alive and free with her because she doesn't come with any of the responsibilities that you willingly signed up for ie faithfulness, a child, the mundanity and familiarity of daily life. She represents a chance to run away and escape into a fantasy where those responsibilities have ceased to exist.

But when you put down responsibilities, they don't go away. Someone else has to pick them up. That will be your wife, the mother of your child, the person you promised to stay with, and who you claim to love.

Be a decent human being and quit seeing this woman. Don't pretend it's something out of your control. People do much harder things that that every day.

badtime · 09/10/2018 05:01

I don't believe your child 'means the world' to you when you are choosing 'the idea of freedom and a simpler life' over him. And you are - what else could 'freedom and a simpler life' mean?

tenredthings · 09/10/2018 05:19

This high you are feeling now is going to be replaced by a huge amount of hurt, upset, and regret. You are going to lose your mariage , your experience of living with your son, it's going to cost you financially. You are presently in a lust bubble but it will burst and you and those you love will all suffer terribly for your actions. What you are feeling right now is an illusion masking a grim reality of your own making.

AgentJohnson · 09/10/2018 05:43

..can love be wrong? If it means crapping over someone else, yeah probably.

You’re using ‘love’ like it’s some kind of noble joker, yes I am being an incredibly selfish arse but hey ‘it’s love’, so I can’t be all bad, eh.

Leave your wife. I think when you personally experienced the shitty end of your behaviour your ‘love’ for this woman would be the first to go, At present your ‘love’ is wholly dependent on you getting your cake an eating it. Hopefully your wife will come to her sensed and realise your not the prize you think you are.

sofato5miles · 09/10/2018 05:58

I see this:

i don't believe your child 'means the world' to you when you are choosing 'the idea of freedom and a simpler life' over him. And you are - what else could 'freedom and a simpler life' mean?

But then if people (If they haven't cheated) are unhappy they are also told life is too short to stay in an unhappy marriage. I can't get around the same outcome being OK but only if you follow the correct social protocol.

trulybadlydeeply · 09/10/2018 06:00

What you don't mention at all is the impact this is all having, or will have, on your DS, who quite clearly doesn't know mean the world to you, otherwise you wouldn't be destroying his family.

He is probably picking up on the conflict between you and your wife, and neither of you are going to be fully attentive to his needs when all this is going on.

You have 4 choices :

End the affair and stay with your wife (if she'll have you)
Leave your wife and DS to be with the OW.
Stay with your wife but keep seeing the OW (not sure either woman will entertain this option).
End both the marriage and the affair and try and work out how your life became such a mess.

Any of these potential options is going to severely impact on your DS, and I suggest that you actually start putting him in the centre of your world and figure out what is best for him. Sometimes it is not best for a child for parents to stay together, if the relationship has become very toxic. However I would question how much time and commitment you would be able to give him if you end up leaving and being "happy, alive and free" with the OW.

You're not a teenager, you're a grown person with responsibilities. Start acting like it.

sofato5miles · 09/10/2018 06:16

Trulybadlydeeply that is great advice.

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