married and fallen in love

[search4truth]

I´ve been married to this exceptional woman for 14 years. We have an 8 year old boy, he means the world to both of us and have a pretty "comfortable" life and I love my wife. Everything seemed perfect until I met this woman who I fell in love with.
I´m old enough to know that getting to know this woman who I´ve been in communication and having exceptional sex for a couple of months now may reveal that it´s not real love (we barely know each other!) but the idea of freedom and a simpler life are strong enough to keep us sharing so much.
My wife found out about my affair and gave me an opportunity to make things better in our marriage after I told her that it was a one time thing. But things escalated and I cant stop thinking and communicating with this new woman who makes me feel so happy, alive and free. Recently my affair told me she wouldnt continue in this relationship unless I made some changes (we all know what this means), and we decided to stop texting but, after a couple of days we couldnt help calling each other and we´re back in touch. She is in love too.
The confusion I´ve been living with has caused great disconnection in my marriage and my disloyalty to my wife is driving me crazy, she´s been understanding of our disconnection and willing to do anything to save our marriage.
I don´t expect to find a solution here, I´m perfectly aware of what´s right and what´s wrong but....can love be wrong? Why is this happening?

‘I love my wife’, ‘my boy means the world to me’. Then why are you treating them both like shit? What do you do to people you hate if this is the way you treat people you love? Leave them and go and live with your mistress and let your wife go so she can meet someone good enough for her, someone who deserves this wonderful, exceptional woman, and who hopefully will love and respect her enough not to cheat on her.

Even if the OW is the love of your life, it doesn't justify what you are doing.

The worst bit about cheating, imo, isn't the sex. Is the lying. A person lying, deceiving, being emotionally unavailable, to the person they committed to. You letting your wife wonder what's wrong, having it play over and over in her head. She will be overseeing over you every word and action, because she knows deep down you are back in touch with OW. Maybe it's instinct. Maybe she knows you well enough to see the very small signs that are undectable to others. And it hurts her. Every minute of everyday it's hurting her. And you, the man who promised her loyalty, love and to put her first is destroying her. But it's ok, because you want to get your rocks off and justify it with love. You are in love with a woman who thinks nothing of screwing your wife and kids over. The OW is in love with someone who thinks nothing of screwing his wife and kids over, who has no loyalty and his happy destroying the person he promised to love and support.

You are a dick. The OW is a dick. And you are destroying your family for that.

Yes it's wrong.

You sound like a right wet blanket. Your wife and DS would be well shot of you.

Why does anyone reply to goady, first time poster who post late at night?

Does anyone honestly think this is real?

It happened because you let it happen. Do you honestly think the rest of us aren’t violently attracted to others at times? Of course we are. Do most of us act on it “because it’s looove?” No. We made a commitment to someone else and we’re adult enough to try and make that work.

Why does anyone reply to goady, first time poster who post late at night?

No, but somebody might read it and it stop them following this path.

The language of this post makes me wonder if it is genuine. People in RL don't often talk this way-' exceptional sex', 'disconnection with'?

It's either someone whose first language is not English or someone who is writing as if they are writing a novel and using rather forced language.

Absolutely Notacluewhatthisis none of us know the truth in anything anyone says. We all have the right to say what we like (within talk guidelines) and can present truth or fiction as we see fit. However someone reading this could be the wife, the OW or even the OP in their own circumstances, and if it helps them, or makes them think twice, then it's worth it.

Wait until you’ve lost it all OP; then you’ll know what you should have done.

I'm in a long term relationship but having an affair with a married man. It feels like love after the first few months, but the sex becomes less amazing as time goes by and then you realise it's lust. The other person would be a lot less amazing if you were both single.

Your not in love. Your in lust.
Remember that spark when you first met your wife? The excitement? Your feeling that again.
When we get married, have children do day to day crap like work doing house work etc its easy to get stuck in a rut and take our partners for granted.
Im speaking from experience. I've been married 12 years and have 3 children. I had my head turned by another man. Im not proud of it. The spark of having another man pay me complements, take an interest listen to me. I never slept with him but we did share a regrettable kiss.
Its up to us to keep our marriage alive. Can you fall in love with your wife all over again? I look at my husband now and think how handsome he is and he has good points aswell as bad. Hes brilliant with our young son, a great lover and my life. I wouldn't do anything again to risk that.
Please if you love your wife then cut all contact. Its the only way.

ah stop, I don't believe this is a real post, sorry :p

Eeeeew, how disgusting, it happened because you made it happen, you can't possibly love your wife, it never ceases to amaze me the amount of really horrible unkind people there are in the world; if I was your wife, you'd have been kicked out, can only suggest you get over your teenage lust and put 100% into trying to get the trust back with your wife, but you have fucked it now, she will never fully trust you again, hope getting your leg over was worth it, you both sound utterly contemptible.

It's just sex isn't it? It's all fun and exciting when you're with a new body. Stay with the OW and fast forward a few years. - and OMG you're back to Square 1 - pants down, and trying to justify it as "true luuurve". Prick. Grow up, man up, and face up to reality. You're just a "sex rat" (not even a love rat).

It’s not love you are feeling it’s lust. I agree with the other posters and it’s the same story over and over and over again from men.

You will never be satisfied with what you have right in front of your eyes. You say you have an exceptional woman at home but still do this to her.

If you and this new woman ever get together, I’ll guarantee you will feel the same about a different woman and do exactly the same to her.

Your ‘exceptional’ wife deserves someone better, and you could do with a full moral shake up.

You’re not in love with the ow, you’re in love with yourself. You want to have it all, the reality of mundane life next to an amazing wife and a kid but also the excitement of a hidden affair and the addictive part of it.

You two, the ow and yourself fell “in love” with a projection of yourselves. She brings up the worst in you, lying, deceitful, gaslighting your wife no doubt, yet she loves you? What does she love? Such a man isn’t someone to love, is someone to run as fast as you can away from. She loves feeling special, feeling like you are willing to sacrifice everything you have (and that’s a huge price to pay for excitement when you think of your DS) for her, she loves the competition and she’s in for the win. And you love what? A woman of low morals and no values who is happy to destroy another woman’s life, who is happy to hurt your kid to get what she want?

People aren’t genuine in an affair. They play a role, as opposed to a real life relationship. They portray themselves to be someone who has certain qualities and behaviour in order to make themselves more desirable and win the end game. You’re right, you don’t know this woman and she doesn’t know you. If your relationship would have started on genuine grounds you may have found out that you weren’t even attracted to her. She may not have stroked your ego with such determination as she does it now. Every compliment she pays you about how amazing you are is actually addressed to the man that she projects you are. In reality all you are is a liar, deceitful man.

And now to what to do: set your wife free. You don’t deserve her and she definitely doesn’t deserve to work on a relationship believing she’s saving her marriage which you destroyed whilst in fact you’re just pretending to do so. I’m all for a second chance where it is deserved. You don’t deserve it though.

There’s a book called “How to help your spouse heal from your affair”. Probably a bit useless to you as, if you can watch your wife in the amount of pain you put her through and still continue contact with the ow I doubt you’re capable to care about her healing.

But in summary, as long as you maintain contact with the ow your marriage has no chance. Zero. Zilch. You’re just prolonging your wife’s pain. Please set her free.

Oh and do come back once you realise what you lost (which would be as soon as you and your imaginary perfect ow take your relationship into real life) and cry on our shoulder about what a big “mistake” you’ve made.

You are a mental and emotional pygmy OP.

HTH

I have read those kind of words OP in my Hs writing and all I can say is your wife may stay but she will probably never feel 100% the same about you ever again. Hope it’s been worth it

Grow a fucking backbone and leave your poor wife. She deserves 100% better than a dick like you

Everything Brokenlife said. You remind me of my ex. He could have written your OP. Even down to declaring me an amazing person and all that bollocks. Their affair was dependent to a large degree on me not knowing about it. That was where the spark came from it seems. I did know about it though but was dealing with my father and his dementia and needed to get his care needs sorted before I opened the can of worms they were creating for me.
I eventually confronted them and he left to be with her (after trying to move her into our home as a sort of second wife type of arrangement). As soon as I said to her that she was welcome to him though the reality of what they had done suddenly hit them and the bloom came off the rose pretty fucking smartish. Her DH left and moved to another town and is happily remarried to someone that deserves him (cos he's decent) and my ex stuck it out with OW for almost two years doggedly trying to make it 'worth it' until he had another affair and she booted him out. They are both on their own now. I re married and it's great. He was a tool. You are a tool. You both think with your tools. You have no regard for the human beings whose lives you fuck up on the merest whim.

I hope your dick goes black and drops off on your birthday but that might be me projecting

Wow Shizel Wish I'd thought of that one!

It isn't love, it's the excitement of a new relationship, the thrill of the sex, etc. Real love is more than that.

I've been in that situation. At 40, I felt unappreciated, ignored, taken for granted, etc. My husband and me didn't go out, other than to do the weekly grocery shopping. My then teenage sons needed me for washing, ironing, cooking and cleaning - I met someone who was single, and we had an affair for 8 months.

The sex was exciting, the man was romantic (complimented me all the time, bought me gifts, opened doors, all of that), and I was so swept away by it all that I lied and lied about where I was going, what I was doing, in order to meet this man.

When my husband discovered my affair, he was devastated. He cried and was heartbroken - I didn't bother. It was only when I realised that actually I didn't want to leave the family home/my kids/the security of it all/my devoted husband, that I stopped it. My husband was marvellous, he forgave me, we started going out and talking a lot. He didn't tell our sons what I'd been doing. My husband has never ever thrown it back in my face, never been nasty. We have now been together 40 yrs, 38 married. Our social life is great, we've got grandchildren, a very close family, and life is so good.

Think about how all this will affect your boy, your wife, and your home - your wife might not be forgiving, you'll be a part-time dad, and the home may be sold. Your new woman may get bored, or find someone else - and your life will be shit. THINK.

What a prick you are
If I was your wife I would throw you out never mind try and take you back disgusting human being who can tear a family apart yet claim to love them you do not cheat on someone you love and you do not tear your kids lives apart because you want to be free

If you wanted to be ‘free’ then be a grown up and tell your family it isn’t working out, pay your way and leave whislt being a good father and a generous ex who ensures his kid wants for nothing, it’s utterly pathetic to do what you’re doing, of course the grass is sodding greener when you’ve been married and had a kid but a real man would say no and attempt to work things out at home. And you’ll never be ‘free’ you’re a sad excuse for a parent who betrays women and cheats and lies and quite frankly wouldn’t want you for a parent and also wouldn’t want my kids to know a father who is so immoral. To come home to your kid and wife after shagging some other woman is reprehensible. You’ll get little sympathy on here do you want us to say there there it’ll be ok?
Fuck that grow up, you’re an adult not a teenager put your brain no dick back in your trousers and act like a decent human being. One thing I detest is cheats and liars you are both, my ex and my dad were very similar and i have no contact with either I hope your wife takes the same road you deserve it

Are you looking for a romantic answer here OP?

Someone to come along and say things along the line of 'you can't help who you fall in love with?' or maybe 'this is who you were meant to be with'? I think that's what you are hoping for. Some validation, or permission to feel and act the way you are.

The fact is very simple, very stark and not actually complicated at all. You CAN help who you fall in love with. Your dalliance will have started through boredom and lust, and there will have been many points along the way where you could have chosen to talk to your wife, step back, cut contact etc, but the high and the thrill was more important than boring old 'work on your marriage' so you didn't.

Do you think your wife hasn't met people she fancied? Do you not think that had she allowed herself to pursue these fantasies she might not be the one in your position? Of course she could. But she chose not to. As do most people within a marriage.

You are not in love with this woman. You are in lust. You are in love with the rush, the thrill, the high that comes with a new and sexually focussed relationship, and especially one that isn't encumbered by the logistics of family life and running a home.

So either leave your wife and pursue this until one of you gets bored (which you will shortly after it stops being something exciting and illicit) or end it (by going no-contact) and work on your marriage.

That's it. That's all there is.

Sorry to be harsh, but really, it's only complicated because you want it to be.

Oh dear, you sound just like my exh. That didn't end well either.