Promising me the world

[zobo90]

Soooo I left my abusive ex of 8 years. I feel good. I feel free and am slowly learning to love myself again.

HOWEVER, ex is promising me the world. He is promising to change, it will be better, he will go to counselling, give up smoking weed and drinking. Everything that up to 3 months ago I wanted too. Marriage, another baby, going to New York. He never wanted these things before and told me he would NEVER marry me.

Why all of this all of a sudden? How do I stop myself getting sucked back in??

You keep reminding yourself he is just making hollow promises to suck you back in. If you fall for it, he will revert to type as soon as he feels he has you trapped again. Please, please, please don't fall for it. It must have taken you so much courage and strength to leave your abuser, don't throw all that good work away.

8 years of his abuse.. and suddenly he's a reformed man....

don't look back

He will not change. He cannot change.
After 8 years of abuse it would not be possible for him to stop.
I think you know this already.

@TooTrueToBeGood @Gemini69 @GladAllOver

Thanks. That's what I really needed to hear. It's difficult as we are still living together as I have no where else to go! I keep telling him he's had 8 years to show me this..

He said the other day that I was the most beautiful person in his life and he would never let me go. If he really thinks that, why did he spend 8 years calling me a slag (I have slept with 3 people including him), fat (I'm a size 6) and ugly (well he's made me feel that way). Alongside a stupid c*nt infront of our 4 YO.

I do feel sorry for him though as I know he is trying but I think it's too little too late x

Tell him (and tell yourself) Wow, I'm so pleased for you! When you have been clean for a year and can prove it maybe we can go on a few dates to see how it goes. Good luck with your recovery.

Chances of him actually recovering are low if you do this, as you know, but chances are zero of him recovering if you take him back now based on promises before any of the hard work.

So he hasn't actually made any of these promises? It's just that he's going to? I recommend no contact.

X-post.

Based on what you've written why the fuck would you want to spend another second in his presence?

How long has he been clean now in order to keep you? By "clean" I mean days with zero weed, zero drink and zero verbal abuse towards you.

OP after 10 years together and 8 years of marriage I left abusive dh. He really turned it around. He turned into the most amazing man. I went back and we were happy. For about a year and then it started going back to normal. Then it got worse and worse.

I finally left last year. For good. No going back this time. I am so glad I did.

I always wanted to go to new York, too. He didn't but I did. So we never went. He took his new girlfriend, our kids and her kids to new York after they had been dating a month. He flew out on our 16th wedding anniversary. He took great delight in telling me the date they were going. He was then bitterly disappointed when I said 'ok. Well hope you have a good time'. Men like this don't change.

If your ex wanted to change he would have. Maybe he will but he needs to change without you going back and prove it over a long period. Especially since drugs are involved.

Hi lovely.

Please stay strong and remember how much courage it took you to leave.

If you can, cut contact and leave him as a memory.

He sounds like he is trying to emotionally manipulate you.

You are worth so much more than false promises. Do you really want to be with someone who only makes the effort when they've lost you?

Do you also want to commit to marriage and raise a child with someone abusive? Someone who will put having weed and getting drunk before you and a baby?

Maybe he will change one day. Maybe he will get clean and get counselling and you'll find your way back to each other one day. I have sympathy to an extent for addiction ...but abusers never change.

At the end of the day, it's your life and only you can make that choice.

You deserve better and one day I think you will find somebody who treats you right. And hopefully, you will look back on this in a few years and be so glad you left him and got to live a life free of abuse.

Please remember why you left him. Abusers don't change, they just make it harder for you to leave next time.

Good luck x

@bastardkitty @Notacluewhatthisis @babybirdivy
unfortunately no contact is not possible as we've got a 4 year old son already. I feel so weird, almost guilty for feeling so fine when he has spent all week crying!! Just hope it's not going to hit me later.

@Notacluewhatthisis well done you for finally leaving!!! He's that fake, my family all think he's an absolute angel so they've been pretty hard on me for being so "selfish" and have told me I will regret loosing everything which has really messed with my head over the weekend. X

@zobo90

I know it seems impossible to leave with family involved but it's possible.

My Dad was abusive towards my mum and my family throughout my entire childhood. She split up with him when I was 2 but got back together with him for the sake of the family. He got worse and eventually she left him for good when I was 13 and hasn't looked back since. She's now happily married to my stepdad who's absolutely a second dad to us.

My memories of my childhood were shit because of my abusive dad. He absolutely contributed to anxiety, self esteem and depression issues. He started off calling her stupid, ugly and fat and when I got old enough - started with me too.

I grew up thinking that their relationship was normal. That the way I was treated was because I deserved it.

Don't feel guilty - you're doing the right thing. For you and your child x

I feel so weird, almost guilty for feeling so fine when he has spent all week crying

Sometimes people cry because they're hurting or upset. Sometimes people cry as a ploy to illicit sympathy, to get their own way. What do you think he's crying for? I know what my money's on.

@TooTrueToBeGood hmm I'm not sure. He does seem pretty upset about it and has blamed a lot of his issues on his childhood which makes sense. I don't know. Is it possible to be over someone before you had even broken up with them as that's how I'm currently feeling! X

Those family members pressing you to take him back, are any of them in really good relationships and do they know the full extent of how bad he has been to you?

I bet not. I bet you learned very bad lessons about relationships and boundaries from them. Don't take relationship advice from them any more than you'd take nutritional advice from someone with scurvy.

Maybe he is genuinely upset. So what?

You have been genuinely upset, are worn out of it now, are already over him and want out. That's allowed. You can leave even if he cries real tears every day and is the world's saddest person.

If he sorts himself out then he can build a good relationship with the children, probably better if he has to take care of them 50% of the time when clean.

Don't sacrifice yourself to be his crutch.

he abuses you for years.. now you want to leave.. and now he plays the 'poor me my childhood was awful' card... FFS stop pandering to this clown and leave for your child's sake... millions of us have been badly abused growing up.. we're not abusing out partners...

@CottonTailRabbit @Gemini69

Thanks for your support. He's basically said tonight that he won't accept no for an answer for marriage and will only accept it if I say no when he proposes!!!!!!! 😩 Told him not to bother wasting his money.

He tried to kiss me and cuddle me infront of our son and DS looked so confused when I wouldn't. It's breaking my heart as I am usually so affectionate and I'm having to be so cold hearted x

zobo I was with my ex for 21 years since the age of 17. Wasn't always bad, got worse and worse as the years went on. He promised he'd change. He didn't. When I left (predicted by mumsnet) he maintained his emotional abuse and control, only I could see better as I was out of it. He still has a cycle (we have kids together and are still selloing our house so we have to communicate) where he is nice, tries to be helpfu, tells me all the wonderful things about me. i challenge him on something (he hates) and he gets nasty. Then silent, then all nicey nicey again.

Its a head fuck, don't go back, he won't change unless he is prepared to put himself thorugh years of therapy. This behaviour in my opinion is ingrained in their psyche. He isn't a particularly nasty person my ex, most people like him (although he has shown his true colours to some mutual friends), but he projects all his insecuties onto me, and dones't care if that hurts me in the process. Its a hard thing to fully escape from, you are nearly there, look at it as it is. It can feel scary being alone again, but I am the happiest I have been in years. Many years. Good luck.

He does seem pretty upset about it and has blamed a lot of his issues on his childhood which makes sense.
He can blame it on what he likes but he's making you pay for it. Leave pathetic excuse of a man and don't look back.

Hrs still trying hard manipulate you.

Every time he tries to say something to convince you he's changed, remember that time he called you a slag or belittled you in front of your child. Constantly remind yourself of his nasty side.
Really there is nothing worse than the realisation that the person you have given a second chance to hasn't changed a bit, and you're back to square one all over again. And this is what happens if you take him back.

OP, he is either crying fake crocodile tears to try and manipulate your emotions, or he is crying out of pity for himself to try and manipulate your emotions.

Don't be taken in.

He is selfish and cruel. You deserve better.

Read Should I Stay or Should I Go? by Lundy Bancroft. It's on Amazon as a kindle book to download or in hard copy. It helped me get rid of my own arsehole.

Stay strong, sweetie-just ignore the relatives who think he shits hearts and flower petals-they didn’t have to live with him and his abusive behavior. If they say anything just tell them “He isn’t who you think/thought he is” and do your best to find somewhere else to live it can’t be good for you to see him and his tantrums daily

Do not judge on words, they are easy & cheap, judge on his actions.

Do all his previous actions suggest to you that he can or will change? I'm willing to bet the answer is no.

You also say you feel good now, so stick with how you feel now and remember how awful you felt with him. Why would you go back? You'd have to be insane to do that - so don't!

It is great that you got away and you feel better. Block him and kill all communications with him. Carry on feeling good and being away from him!

I've done this. I've left a horrid relationship and let myself get sucked back in with promises of everything I've ever wanted. Things that he previously didn't want or purposefully witheld, who knows. Anyway, a year after being sucked back in he broke up with me. I saved hard, moved out and moved on. And just when that happened he tried to suck me back in AGAIN 😄 needless to say I didn't let it happen again. He cried and begged for months. Hold strong OP