Promising me the world

[zobo90]

Soooo I left my abusive ex of 8 years. I feel good. I feel free and am slowly learning to love myself again.

HOWEVER, ex is promising me the world. He is promising to change, it will be better, he will go to counselling, give up smoking weed and drinking. Everything that up to 3 months ago I wanted too. Marriage, another baby, going to New York. He never wanted these things before and told me he would NEVER marry me.

Why all of this all of a sudden? How do I stop myself getting sucked back in??

Words and promises are cheap and easy.

If he actually loved you he would never have called you the names he did.

Don’t fall for his love bombing, he’ll slide back into being the same arsehole he’s always been and you’ll have wasted more of your precious life on him.

Don't fall for it. He will not change. He is just trying to suck you back in. He will probably be nice for a few weeks then he will start being horrible again.

Lots of predators hunt by chasing their prey and catching them.

Others do it by pretending to be something harmless - a twig, a leaf, a piece of coral, and they only pounce once their prey lets their guard down.

You've spent 4 years being eaten by this predator. You've finally got your leg out of his jaws. His response is to settle back into pretending to be something innocent.

Do you want to stop being eaten? Or do you want to stick your arm straight back inside his mouth?

You're smart enough to do the right thing. Be strong. Use any support networks available to you, doing so is not a weakness.

Why is he being so nice? Because he realises that once you go, he has lost all control and power. He is nothing without you, thats why.
His tears are for himself, because on his own he is weak.

I have a relative who has been in same position, (she left, went back, left, went back), shes now back for good because she just accepts this is her (miserable) life. He has ground her down to believe that no one else will want her, and she has no self-worth or confidence.

Please look to the future and dont look back. Dont remember the good times, remember all the bad times and hopefully that will help you realise that nothing will change.

@TooTrueToBeGood @Gemini69 @GladAllOver @GladAllOver @CottonTailRabbit @bastardkitty @Notacluewhatthisis @babybirdivy @pudding21 @SirGawain @subspace @crappyday2018 @BundyLancroft @Olderbyaminute @MargoLovebutter @ThankyouLinus @sexnotgender @fantasmasgoria1 @Sethis @Shadow1234

From the bottom of my heart, thank you all for your kind words and support. I've had a bit of a wobbler day - it's hard when they're so nice and we had our sons parents evening. Just keep thinking to myself - was it really abuse? He never physically hit me but it's hard to see when he's being so nice. Ahhhh 😢

Anyone? X

what are you asking OP ? you're not leaving him..are you

@Gemini69 no I absolutely am. I couldn't go back, he makes my skin crawl. But he's being so suffocatingly nice I feel like I'm the bad person.

I've started talking to someone new, a friend of a friend and he is giving me hope that one day I will let myself be loved again. Obviously I'm being very careful about it all and not putting my eggs in one basket. And I feel that I will probably end up pushing him away anyway as I feel like damaged goods. I just feel absolutely horrendous that I've started talking to someone new and making an emotional connection while the ex is still moping about the house, crying and begging. I have given him absolutely no sense of hope and am being very cold which is so unlike me. Don't know why I feel so bad after all he has put me through!!!! 😤

What do you need to do to start living separately? Is the house owned, rented, in whose name?

@BerylStreep It's in his name, we've only had it a year as I was on a temporary contract at the time. Put half of the deposit in and everything else was split exactly down the middle. I have no where else to go x

You haven't left though have you? You need advice about getting your money, or him, out of your house.
Don't get involved with someone else, spend a year concentrating on you and dc, sort your head out before you let someone else in

Agree with the caution not to get involved with somebody new yet. Get out, get yourself sorted and independent and halt, and only then look at dating. Should be lowest priority for you.

The only time real change can take place is when someone does it for themselves. If they do it for another person they will always, always revert back. I believe he could 'change' his behaviours in order to win you back. The name calling could stop, he could marry you etc. But....his personality is such that he thinks it's actually OK to call you a fat slut or whatever. In the end his personality will win

Sooo just a little update... HE PROPOSED LAST NIGHT... WITH A RING. I said no and ran away 🙈🙈

I have a friend going through this kind of manipulative behaviour.
She wants to leave he won't let her.
It's frustrating.

My ex was the same. I just ended the relationship and never looked back. We have arrangements for DS and we both live seperate lives now.

You need to keep running and get away because it doesn't get better.

Well done for saying no, zobo! He really is a pathetic dick, isn't he!

Just keep thinking to myself - was it really abuse? He never physically hit me but it's hard to see when he's being so nice. Ahhhh

In many ways, emotional abuse is more damaging than physical abuse - bruised flesh heals a lot faster that a bruised mind. Think of all the put-downs, insults and threats you've endured over the years. The cumulative damage that does to someone's confidence and self-esteem is horrific. You know he's abusive, you've said so yourself. It's just your low self- esteem, which he has caused, that leads you to doubt your own judement when he's being nice.

Abusers almost never change in the long run and the few that do generally need a lot of very specialist support. He won't change just because he says he will and if you give him another chance you're just setting yourself up to be ground down even more.

Be strong and do everything you can not to communicate with him.

I went through the same situation when I decided enough was enough. Tears came that I'd never seen before and promises of all the things I kept begging him to change. I went through a huge period of feeling guilty and thinking it would be so much easier for the kids but had to keep reminding myself of the reasons. Hard as it is on you, try to keep your reasons at the forefront of your mind, write them down, tell yourself them. He may well change his habits and then he can be grateful to you for leaving him for allowing him to become a better man but he won't change while you stay. Good luck, you are doing fab and should be very proud of yourself.

When is his first counselling session? How is the stopping smoking drinking weed thing going?

you need to get your share of the house
you need to go the CAB for info
you need to find out what benefits you are able to get
you need to find an alternative place to live
you need to stop jumping into the next relationship that makes you feel loved.