New fella not sure about dating me because of my kids

[flumptoes]

Long story short.... met on tinder, both mid divorce, both mid 40's, he's on his 2nd. His kids are nearly grown, mine are much younger.

He was very full on early on. in hindsight maybe too much so. Told me he loved me within a month, I do love him too, it's been 3 months.

He has basically said he doesn't want to be step daddy, it all went wrong when he did this in his second marriage... but, I haven't asked him to!! It's like he is reacting to what happened before. My kids have a dad.

He's met my kids as a friend and they now know he is my boyfriend, but nothing more. No sleepovers, no family days. I worry about some of the things he's said.... for example, He tells me he is still angry with his ex having an affair....
he said he wanted to do a thing with me next year, booked time off work (I didn't ask him to) and is now saying 'I don't want to plan too far in advance I case it all goes tits up. But ITS ALL COME FROM HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE!

I guess I'm wanting thoughts, does this sound like a man who is not ready for a relationship? I'm so sad I've got 3 months in and he's now not so keen, it's so unsettling. Feeling mucked about... supposed to be flying for a mini break next week too 🙄

Any advice? Words of Mumsnet wisdom?

I would say he has lost interest in this relationship. All too much too soon . 3 months is a important marker in a new relationship and can be a make or break time. Think he is wanting out.

If it were me, I would pull back myself and I wouldn't fly off on a mini break with a man who isn't as keen as he was before, nor would I fly off with a man I have only known 3 months. Too soon and if it's awful you are stuck with him away from your world.

I agree with the PP -- it's a shame, and you've done nothing wrong at all, OP, but it does sound as if he went much too far too fast, and is now having cold feet, and without enough distance to distinguish between you and your children from the reasons that caused his divorce from his ex. I can understand him being very cautious, if problems with being a stepfather ended his last marriage, but of course he should have worked it out/had therapy/left some time before getting involved with you.

Sorry, OP. I'd be self-protective and ending it before you get any more hurt.

Kind of what I've been thinking 😥

So sorry Flump. On a positive side, you putting distance between you may just get him to really think and he may come running with bells on BUT you can decide if you want him .

He's met your kids after 12 weeks? Maybe it all went a bit fast and he panicked! With you introducing them so soon maybe be thought
You were looking for a step dad figure.

Maybe an honest chat about expectations with each other ?

He's met your kids withing three months? Seriously. This is an important, if really sad, lesson.

I agree - it sounds like he jumped in with both feet before he was ready to start dating again and is now panicking.

As for this He has basically said he doesn't want to be step daddy, the reality is that if he stays with you he will be a step-daddy of some sort. Maybe what he means is that he doesn't really want to be with someone with little kids? Who knows?

Either way, I'd throw this one back into the sea.

From my personal point of view, any man who is still bitter about the ex. Is because he is still in love with her, though disguised by anger. 3 months is too soon. I would get to know him really well. I wonder if it was a good ideia to introduce him to your children so soon? Play it cool. Enjoy the dinner dates. The sex. The unexpected hot messages. When you least expect, you may have a surprise. For now don't worry about putting a little on the relationship.

• sorry I meant tittle instead of little

Why WHY are there so many parents that do this! It was FAR FAR too early to introduce him to your DC AT ALL!

Love at 1 month hell 3 months? Highly unlikely you barely know each other!

And now he makes it clear he's not really interested in dating someone with young DC! He is at least being realistic NOW yes they have their dad but the reality is if your relationship progressed he would end up being step dad, unavoidable with young DC in the mix.

Bin him, if you don't he'll probably bin you anyway cos he doesn't want to be involved with someone with young DC, get your head on straight before you date anyone else, and next time don't even THINK about introducing to your DC until AT LEAST 6 months.

I totally agree. I think it's too soon and hindsight is a wonderful thing! I think I didn't set my boundaries, I didn't even think about my boundaries to be honest.... I've not dated in 15 years and I've never dated with children. Lesson learned.

Luckily they have only met him 4 times and if it is indeed all going tits up, they will not be hurt, they are not emotionally involved.

Thanks for all the advice

He knew you had kids from the get go so this is just a get out clause.

Maybe he’s found someone else on tinder who doesn’t have kids.

This is why it’s a a really bad idea to introduce men to your kids until your relationship is secure.

Xpost, yes it hasn’t been very long - you’ll be fine.

Okay, well then lesson learned, but please OP don't introduce any other bfs to your kids so early on. Even six months is too early IMO and yet you let this guy into their lives 4 times in the first three months! After three months you barely know someone. As my granny used to say 'You need to summer and winter them' i.e. you don't really know someone until you've been with them at least a year. Brush yourself down, take a deep breath and keep it slow next time - particularly where your kids are concerned. They don't need to meet every guy you go out for dinner with.

@flumptoes You sound lovely, don't beat yourself up about him meeting the kids. You said yourself it was only as a friend and of course they won't blink an eyelid if they never see him again.
He sounds like he doesn't know what he wants, tbh. But if someone said to me they didn't want to be a step dad, that would be the end of it for me I'm afraid. Good luck, I'm sure you'll find someone wonderful one day xx

Now not sure about the mini break? He's not called it off, perhaps going could still be good fun?? This is the text I sent him yesterday

Thanks for calling to see if I was ok, I appreciate it. Thanks for listening to me and I’m glad we have an honest shared understanding now. I love spending time with you and I am totally happy to just keep doing what we are doing, no pressure for either of us, and no changes for my children. They need things to just be stable at home for now and I need to concentrate on finishing my divorce. If you are happy to hold my hand along the way I promise to hold yours back x let’s just enjoy what we have and keep the channels of communication open x x x

But just spoke to him and it feels weird!! What a waste of money and time.... 😥 I'm gutted 😩

6 months is too soon? how long should people wait??

Flump sounds like you're reading the signs right (sadly) and being honest enough with yourself to recognise them for the huge warning signs they are.

Move on - onwards and upwards.

Personally I'd bin the mini-break. It wouldn't be lovey-dovey, I think I'd find it awkward and painful and a bit humiliating. But only you can decide how you feel about it.

Ditch him. He doesn't want to be a step dad and that's fine, but trying to have a relationship like that will never work. How would you get married if he doesn't accept your children? That's the deal when you go out with someone with kids, that they are a package deal basically, if you want a long term relationship.

No, I think continuing would be flogging a dead horse (that's why it's feeling awkward), and will lead to you becoming more hurt when either he ends it or you have to.

Clean break now is best.

Personally I totally disagree with the whole “don’t meet the children for at least six months thing”
It completely bizarre that you would suddenly produce a fully committed 6 months into a relationship partner like a rabbit out of a hat. Unless the kids are babies, they’ll twig pretty quickly that you know the partner really well, have possibly been places and done things together and have a whole half year narrative with them that doesn’t include them - weird!
You’ve done it right before in my opinion - 3 months in they know he exists but no ‘family days out’ no sleepovers and thus no loss when he goes. If he stayed you would be steadily building up to an hour hanging out or a meal etc and they would totally get to see a normal relationship evolve (& get some input into it!) And no high stakes first meeting where we all have to get on or ????
That said, I agree with PP that he’s had a change of mind for whatever reason (might be kids, might be something else - it really doesn’t matter) & you need to just let him go on his way so you can both find someone you want to be with.

I'm afraid I would advise to call it a day. If things are feeling off and he's withdrawing already then surely best to call it quits this early on in the relationship. It's only 12 weeks after all.

I'd also suggest to not to go on the break, it's all too soon and he's clearly getting cold feet. Spend some time with you children instead. The last thing you need is getting further invested with this guy when he's already voiced concerns over 'going tits up' and not wanting to be involved with your children.

Run for the hills. How could you even consider being with a man who has made it clear they don't want to be a step-parent? That's a recipe for disaster.

Noname - reason many of us, or certainly I recommend minimum 6 months is because most relationships don't last that long. It avoids children being introduced to a long line of aunts/uncles, being confused, possibly hopeful for a longer relationship, children can get involved more quickly than adults and are less resilient when that person is then no longer in their lives.,

It's not about the adults, it's not about the adults "hiding" stuff from their DC it's about being sensible and cautious and thoughtful of the consequences.

Children who have met almost every boyfriend/girlfriend their parents have had find it hard to take it seriously when a ltr does come along and that in itself can cause problems. As they then (understandably) hold the "new" boyfriend or girlfriend at arms length as they don't trust that they'll still be around in a few months.

I've seen it and I suspect other posters advising similar have seen it and the hurt it can cause to both DC and adults.

In this case it's particularly pertinent as despite the, what sounds like may have been, love bombing by him at the start, now reality is creeping in he's not interested in what that has to involve, so the relationship will more than likely end.

And op now has to find an explanation for the DC that's probably going to actually be a lie, cos she can't tell them it's because of the DC!

No. It's irresponsible to involve DC too soon, and before 6 months is in my and many others opinions too soon.

Op sorry this relationship isn't/hasn't worked out. Better luck next time and be wary of guys who are overkeen.