I need to leave partner...again! **Thread title edited by MNHQ**

[kiragirl]

He has never given physical abuse, just verbally and emotionally
What I endure is mainly belittling me, criticising me, making me feel inadequate, demoralising me, making me feel worthless. the evil in his face as he snarls when he’s annoyed or angry at me makes my stomach in knots, and I shake with nerves.

He never ever compliments, but can quite easily criticise.

He has free reign to do what he wants, when he wants and with as much of his money as he wants, ( none of it is mine as he’s earned it.
But, As he is unable to read or write properly, can only just work his phone, doesn’t know how to use a computer, never done an email..hasn’t got one.
He makes a lot of money buying and selling cars. He buys the car and I take all pics, do all the descriptions, list them on multiple sites and answer and reply to all messages, he can’t even write a receipt out... but I do fuck all and don’t bring any money in (he keeps all the profit and I get paid £50 which gets spent on extra household bills.
the only money I am allowed is tax credits, which covers the weekly shopping, broadband bill, phone bill and 11yr sons expenses, School etc which happily for him has me penniless by the end of the week. Mortgage free, he pays the electric/gas/Water, Ctax/ and the car...
I take care of ‘his' house, his Kids, his meals, his washing and making his life as easy as possible, 'servicing his needs' when he wants regardless of what I need or want..

I fetch and carry, do whatever he tells me, go n get that, fetch me those etc etc.
run up stairs get me that...
Make me a brew.. make me another... put my flask up...
Will walk past his ‘made brew', sit down, and wait for me to pass it to him...
What’s that on the floor, have you cleaned today? (house is spotless)
Windows are filthy (grandsons handprints)
If I’ve not got round to hoovering all through (very rare as it gets hoovered every day) he’s huffin n puffing doing it himself, saying floors full of shit.
We all have to wait till he’s finished work, had a bath, gone back out again (to sort something or see someone) then when he’s ready I’m to make tea then so it’s freshly cooked? Usually 8 ish onwards.
I end up cooking twice so son can have his tea at a decent tea-time time. He doesn’t cook anything, never has....
All the above...Just to keep in good books with him

Lately I have been trying to stick up for myself, arguing back, he says the most hurtful things I know aren’t true, I end up so upset and frustrated because he won’t listen to any reasoning, just goes on to something else.. then the nutter words come out, then it’s all about me always being the same, a waste of space.(me screaming and crying how horrible he is to me is a sign of being mental and a nutter?)

I honestly don't think I can do any more or any better.

and I can finally say "its not me being over sensitive, its not me having a sense of humour failure. Its him being a controlling joy-sucking thoughtless bastard"

Only conversation we have is about money and 'him' earning all the money..
I find myself walking on eggshells everyday not knowing what mood he is in, or even trying my hardest not to put him in one!!
I live in his nice house, Drive his nice car, Have a holiday each year, the bills get paid and he is well off....
SO REALLY I SHOULD BE GRATEFUL ????? Oh and I’m on a good number ....

NARC...
Everyone of these is him...
Lack of empathy
Grandiosity - thinks they are terribly important and unique
Lack of accountability - blames everyone else for everything
Rage just beneath the surface
NEVER says sorry ever
Very exploitative of people in their life
Very little in the way of conscience - they are too special to adhere to normal codes of behaviour and morals
Hot and cold behaviour, push-pull dynamic
VERY controlling, they have to control anyone with whom they are personally involved with. Everything is on their terms
They expect compliance
Vengeful, vitriolic, spiteful
They have to win at all costs
Very manipulative
No real depth of feeling

He has always been very controlling. We watch what he wants to watch on the TV, his opinions are always right, nothing is ever good enough. The house is never tidy enough, the kids are never quiet enough, EVERYTHING is my fault. I have been reduced to a anxious, miserable, self doubting emotional mess. All locked away inside as I don’t show it..
It’s like an army/prison camp not a loving family home....and I’m literally his personal slave.
We’re both 49, 3 children (2 grown and 1 who’s 11
Spent 30 yrs together, left him in 2011 went back in 2016... first yr was good, then went down hill from then on and now back to ‘normal'
He isn’t diagnosed as a Narcissist, but from all these people’s posts. I know I have to leave for the final and very last time. I haven’t a pot to piss in, but I want peace and freedom, this is the only way left.
If any of the people on here previously, going through the same, please let me know and update your situations. All your posts are reassuring 💕

What a horrible man

I wish you and your son all the best in the new happier lives you'll have once away from him

Good luck to him keeping his 'business' running without you there to do everything on his behalf

It's hard to make that step. You're scared and worried, the financial implications and what will happen in the future. It is easy for people to type 'get out of the situation asap' not so easy doing so. Your first step would be those numbers you were given. Feeling that you have support and are not alone. It sounds as though you are ready to take the leap and disentangle yourself from this toxic relationship and that is the path to becoming free. I wish you all the best. To me you sound like a strong woman under all that sadness.

Good Morning Kiragirl!
Thinking a lot about you.
1-How to change the title: go to your original post, click on the 3 points at the bottom ... , select report and write to the moderator that you want to change the title of the thread-propose a new more eye catching title
2-can't you approach car dealers and propose your services as an admin?
3-use the info given to you here to call bureaux/organisation etc that might help
Good Luck -Have a nice,peaceful and productive day , a lot of love ❤❤❤

My heart goes out to you OP It brought back memories of my childhood.
My departed DM could have written your post and I want you to know you will survive this. I won't tell you my story and don't want to derail your thread.
I can also tell you that this is not your fault and you do have leverage. Firstly do not blame yourself for being in this situation EVER!
Secondly, I have to point out to you that this man is NOTHING without you and that is where your leverage is. Deep down he knows this. There will be more days like you have described, but you have already lived a thousand bad days. You are very strong, stronger than you may think. The strength will come believe me.
There has been a lot of good posts on here and help is only a phone call away. Talk to people that can support you emotionally. Samaritans, Women's Aid, CAB, women's groups, the council, anyone that can help and even the police if he gets out of hand again.
I wish you love and peace in your endeavours. I know it wont be easy, but you will have the love of a lot of people with you.

Shuthefrontdoor, hi...
Just about to start getting the ball rolling.. it’s so so hard but I know I have to. thank you for taking the time read my post and reply 😊

Conflicted 1, hi...
Thank you for taking the time to read my post and reply.. first day today planning to get away, so hard but needs to be done 😊

You go girl 🌟

Niri 1 Hi... thank you for taking the time to read my post and reply.. yes the struggle is tremendously hard, I’ve a long way to go and I’m taking one day at a time and just looking after myself and my Son 😊

Good luck Kiragirl.

Day at a time.

Kidsneedfathers Hi
Aww that’s lovely to know thank you!
My morning has been peaceful Daughters been round to see me, had a good chat (her father went round to hers lastnight to see what my plans where!) obviously she didn’t tell him much. She tried to explain again why things get really bad, but as always he had an excuse for everything and twisted things around and also lied...
I’ve just said to her there’s no hope of reasoning with him ever, we both know that, but its her Dad at the end of the day so I’ve just asked for help and support from her... I said come and live with him for 2 days.. she said no I couldn’t hack it. She said I’ve handled him wrong, I shouldn’t have let him walk all over me or speak to me like crap etc

Kidsneedfathers.. sorry my thumb caught the post button!!!
Wanted to finish off by saying thank you for the info about the selling cars, never even entered my head! but what a smart idea, very possible! Thank you.
Love n peace to you too 💕✌🏽

Neogo.. Hi,
Thank you for taking the time to read my post and reply.
It’s such a positive and and reassuring feeling to know lovely people like yourself are here to listen, talk and say it’s going to be ok eventually..
It’s the first day today that I’m actually starting to put some kind of plan into place.. long tough road ahead of me I know, I’m taking one day at a time. 😊
I would love to read your story, my Daughter is 28 and I know she’s struggling with how to be with her Dad, half of her absolutely hates him, but at the end of the day it’s her Dad? I’ve just told her she doesn’t have to be in the middle this mess, just be there for me if I need her. We are very close so everything is nice between us.

Springydaff. Thank you.. I’m trying my best 👍🏻

Letsdolunch321..Hi,
Thank you 😊 yes, one day at a time! 👍🏻

My parents were in a marriage with abuse going back and forth between each other and Mom felt trapped with children and no skills or money,sigh,and now Dad has Alzheimer’s disease. I know your daughter meant well with what she said and I’ve begged my mother to leave my father but it’s an ingrained behavior and a hard habit to break. Don’t second guess yourself you are not in the wrong at all. Your partner’s behavior is inexcusable even if he feels inferior for being unable to read or write. Best of luck,dear. Take care.

Olderbyaminute, Hi..
Thank you for taking the time to read my post and reply...
His inability to read or write properly hasn't dared to be mentioned ever, he has always just got me to do literally everything.
It’s true what you say about it being ingrained, trying to keep the family together... unfortunately this time round it will be for good. There is so much more help out there than I actually knew, I’m hopeful that I can do this 😊

Just thought I’d let you all know I have been on the phone to my local WA and spoken to lovely lady. Even though I had a 2 minute melt down and cried like a baby, drooled and snotted all down the phone, she was so patient, she just listened until I got a grip of myself again. I have an appointment this Thursday afternoon. I feel a bit sick at the moment and very scared. Its probably due to the thought of this long hard journey becoming a reality 😳

Overjoyed you've made good contact with WA. I assure you, the worst bit is over 🌸 💐

I'm glad you are not doing this alone, OP. WA is a fantastic resource and I hope they will help you get away for good.

Incidentally, how did he manage for reading and writing when you left last time? I was wondering if it was more 'I won't' than 'I can't'.

She said I’ve handled him wrong, I shouldn’t have let him walk all over me or speak to me like crap etc = please don't listen to this! It is the sort of crap that get spouted by people who KNOW NOTHING! It's NOT you fault that he treats you like this; it's his. He does it because he can, not because you 'let' him, IYSWIM.

It's not your fault.

Yes kira it is a tough journey...but one step at a time..you are up to it...the toughest is starting it ..afterward it will just get easier and easier....you put up with him.for so.long and built an overall lovely family despite his appalling behavior that really you will be up to any obstacle on your way to a healthy life...sorry to hear that you are sick. ..stay strong ...(it is wonderful how you care for your kids despite all you are going through...BTW maybe your daughter can start her own thread here)...a lot of love and hugs (contact car dealers you know and others...) and it is OK to cry sob and feel sick be gentle on yourself and accept your sorrow and keep going on...❤❤❤🌹🌻🌼

Fantastic news for making the first step.

Pondering on your OHs inability to read / write and wondering if you can exploit that to get some money together quickly as a leaving fund.

I wouldn’t normally suggest things like this but as it’s his house then you’ve nothing to lose by not paying mortgage / bills for a month or so (assuming you control the bank accounts?) so you could cancel direct debits and siphon money away to your own account?

You can and you should claim child benefit. Unless you yourself earn more than £50000. What he earns is irrelevant. Talk to the benefit office. You can claim it and he has to pay it back if he earns too much but hat is fine, it's what my dh does. The fact that you are not claiming it means that you are also not earning and paying NI contributions and that will affect your pension when you retire. You must look into this!

Hi OP, I've just read through all the posts and want to say you're doing absolutely the right thing in leaving for good. You sound like a very strong woman and you WILL get through this.

You say your partner does a lot of cash jobs to hide his real earnings. What does he do with the cash? Does he pay it in a bank account or does he stash it away somewhere? If he has another account, separate from his business account, could you get copies of statements to show he is earning more than he declares? This is useful information to have in your back pocket when you split.

Good luck with your appointment at WA tomorrow. It's bound to be an emotional meeting so it may be a good idea to make some notes of what you want to cover. I know when I get very emotional my mind goes a bit squiffy, so some notes could help you stay focused.

I hope the thought of your new life, free from this scum bag, will give you the energy to get through this difficult phase. There is light at the end of the tunnel and I do believe you will be happy again once you're away from him.

By the way - don't feel sorry for him eh?

He CHOOSES to treat you like this - not bcs he has low self-esteem but bcs he likes bullying you, it makes him feel good. The big powerful man. He gets off on it.

So save your pity for you and the kids

Hi, just letting all you lovely people everything is ok, will reply and update as soon as I get some time on my own 💕👍🏻