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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

At the end

28 replies

YorkshireGirl2016 · 08/10/2018 04:30

I have been with my husband for 8 years. Married last year. We have had our ups and downs....more downs to be honest. He is from a very troubled background.
He had an addiction to a class A drug and I thought that he had managed to detox...through much pain and hospital referrals. About 5 years ago he was caught drug driving but he escaped a ban. And he has just been caught again. The drugs in his system are legal and to help with his detox. He will either get prison or a ban this time.
I'm so alone. No one knows anything about this. I spend every night awake while he is fast asleep on the pills he takes to stop the pain of detox.
I know he is trying his best to get over this. I just feel so lonely, helpless, lost, worried and tired. I have lost all my confidence. All of this is bringing out a personal in me that I don't like

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primoestate · 08/10/2018 04:34

Sweetheart, bless you. How hard for you to deal with.
Do you still love him?
I'm so sorry you're feeling so sad, and things always seem so much worse at night, don't they? Thanks

YorkshireGirl2016 · 08/10/2018 04:46

I also drink every night to numb the pain and worry which doesn't help I know but I don't know how to get through this.

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YorkshireGirl2016 · 08/10/2018 04:47

I do love him. He is such a lovely man. But all of this is too much. It's just too much

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primoestate · 08/10/2018 04:58

In the morning things will seem better. Not great, but better.
Go see you GP and get some help for you.
If you're drinking heavily that's not going to help either of you. But you know that.
Maybe some time apart would be the answer. Have you a friend or family you could stay with for a few days? Someone supportive and caring?

YorkshireGirl2016 · 08/10/2018 05:00

No one knows about any of this and I would be scared about what would happen to him

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YorkshireGirl2016 · 08/10/2018 06:06

Is anyone awake?

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Doghorsechicken · 08/10/2018 06:06

Things always seem worse at night. But yes you need to see your gp. And as much as I enjoy a drink, alcohol is a depressive so you really ought to cut that out whilst you’re going through this rough patch. It may not seem like it but alcohol is not your friend right now.

YorkshireGirl2016 · 08/10/2018 06:11

I just really need to Speak to my husband but he isn't making sense. I don't know how I'm going to get through today

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primoestate · 08/10/2018 06:50

OP
You're both not coping well so it's time to confide in someone, be that a professional, family or friend.
I'm pretty sure that at least one person will already have suspicions that something is troubling you.

MisstoMrs · 08/10/2018 06:56

OP you sound like you need a good cry to let it out. Holding it together for the people around us is what we do when we love someone but I think you’re reaching a crunch point; you are a person too.
Your GP really world be a good option, or even the Samaritans if you just need to talk and can’t share with friends.
The PP are right, sadly, that alcohol won’t be helping you here, although I understand the temptation.
When it’s light, get yourself a cup of tea and then perhaps some fresh air and a good cry. It may well give you s headache but it should clear your head enough for some sleep. Then you can decide what positive steps to take.
You can get through this.

YorkshireGirl2016 · 08/10/2018 08:19

Thank you for your messages. Just struggling to understand the whole procedure. How long does it normally take the cps to come back with a charge for this sort of thing?

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ThatLibraryMiss · 08/10/2018 12:30

OP, you say you're drinking every night; can you stop? If you'd find it difficult I think it would help you to go to an AA meeting. You don't have to say anything, just sit there. You will get help with a potential addiction, and you will also get an insight into the minds of addicts. If you're sure you don't need that, try one of the Adfam groups here.

I am sorry to tell you that addicts lie. If your DH had enough drugs in his system to trip a possible prison sentence, I do wonder how much he'd taken, and of what. Was he still in supervised detox when he was caught DUI? (And if he was, and was on the medically prescribed dose, WFT was he doing driving/were his doctors doing prescribing a dose so high that it affected his driving?) It's so easy to replace one drug with another. If you want to stick by him, at least get a clear idea of what you're dealing with.

And take care of you. Whatever happens, you need to be strong and healthy to help either of you.

primoestate · 08/10/2018 18:20

How did today go, OP?

YorkshireGirl2016 · 09/10/2018 02:50

Hey. A little better. He's out of sorts still. No wine for me and got DH into the docs next week though! Just trying to take each day as they come

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artio0 · 09/10/2018 03:25

Not much help here, but you're seem very brave dealing with this on your own. I wish you and your husband much strength to get through this. Flowers

primoestate · 09/10/2018 09:23

Well done on leaving the wine alone last night.
Have you got a GP appointment for you too? You need some support Thanks

humblebumble · 09/10/2018 12:55

Have you considered Al Anon or Narc-Anon. It is for people who have loved ones who are addicts. You may find the support you need there with people who understand what you are going through.

Horsesforcourses23 · 09/10/2018 13:30

@YorkshireGirl2016 - I am so sorry you are going through this and I personally know how very very difficult it is. I echo what another poster said, try approaching Al-Anon they were amazing when I spoke to them and they have so many places & people they can refer you to! I hope things start to improve for you xx

YorkshireGirl2016 · 09/10/2018 14:19

Thank you. Did your story end positively? I know we can get through this together.
Just now have the further worry of the court case. I just want everyone to see him as the person I do, intelligent, hard working, loving, driven. Not judge him on one mistake x

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/10/2018 14:38

"I just want everyone to see him as the person I do, intelligent, hard working, loving, driven. Not judge him on one mistake".

This is not just one mistake however is it and what you describe is life with an addict. His primary relationship continues to be with drugs, its not with you. This is also repeated behaviour on his part. Is he really trying his best or would you simply like to think that he is because that is somehow easier for you to cope with?. Are you in your own denial here re your husband?. You cannot act as either a rescuer or saviour in any relationship and here you are being both to him. It does not work, love does not conquer all and what you have tried to date with him has not worked either.

You are only responsible for your own self ultimately, not he and he could well still drag you down with him. Where do you see yourself in a year's time; still with him?. As hard as it is for you to accept this you cannot help him. You can only help your own self here ultimately.

What did you yourself learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What sort of an example did your parents show you?.

Who is looking after you; he is certainly not doing this. You are carrying him and otherwise enabling him, why are his needs and wants seemingly more important that yours?. All your energies are going on him and he is meeting your own codependent needs here. This sort of problem as well thrives on secrecy; you need to start opening up yourself to trusted individuals like your GP along with dealing with your own issues around codependency and enabling behaviours. Enabling him only gives you a false sense of control and helps neither he or you.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is in this relationship that for you is worth hanging onto?.

BadBear · 09/10/2018 14:53

I am so sorry for what you are going through. Dealing with a loved one's addiction is never easy.

I would definitely encourage you to give Drugfam a call, they support partners and families of people who suffer with an addiction. No waiting lists, no expectations just someone to listen to you at the other end of a line. They are a very small charity and are really passionate about what they do. No official procedures or bureaucratic nonsense. www.drugfam.co.uk/

Horsesforcourses23 · 09/10/2018 14:56

@YorkshireGirl2016 - I will very briefly explain my story for you, just so you can see a perspective from someone who has been in your shoes, however I must say @AttilaTheMeerkat points are very valid. However I feel I only agree with those points now I am on the other side of the line rather than being in the actual situation. I couldn't see very clearly at the time either.

My sister is / was an alcoholic and drug addict, coupled with I believe mental health issues. She has a young child. Basically the last 10 years have been hell on earth due to her addiction issues, which effectively got steadily worse possibly in part due to my enabling and rescuing behaviour that has been mentioned above. It has taken for me to say on the last visit to detox that I had 3 things which if she chose to continue to ignore, such as starting drinking again then I would walk away from her and that would be final. To date things are going ok, but I am also fully aware I need to stick to my decision firmly.

I was nearly broken by the time I got the internal courage to write that letter. I was caring for my nephew, skipping out of work, cancelling plans, lending her money and getting into debt. Writing to companies to try and organise her finances. I thought I was doing all this to help and all I was doing was causing myself untold grief and allowing her behaviour to continue.

I know its easy for you to drink to numb the pain, but I urge you to stop that if you can as addiction is far to easy to fall into especially if you are in a particularly vulnerable position.

Both of you will only change ultimately when you decide to change, but I do recommend you speak to Al-Anon, you cannot do this on your own.

YorkshireGirl2016 · 09/10/2018 15:43

Thank you Badbear, I will try and call them.

AttilaTheMeerkat - no it isn't the first mistake, but he has had a truly awful childhood and life and he has 'dealt' with these issues in the wrong way - he hasn't dealt with them at all. I think I am trying to rescue him, but I'm just can't leave him and I don't know what to do. I really feel like I have lost all my confidence, at home and at work and cannot see a way out of anything at the moment. I'm on autopilot trying to fix everyone and I know i'm going to get told of for this, but it is a spiral which is hard to get out of and I'm struggling.

Horses, so glad to hear that your sister has got through this, with your help. Did you go to Al-Anon?

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Olderbyaminute · 09/10/2018 23:46

There’s no rescuing of a loved one in throes of an addiction until they want to change-I really encourage you to get in with your gp and address your coping measures as you’ve clearly admitted to issues with alcohol-counseling also might be helpful. Good luck

YorkshireGirl2016 · 10/10/2018 01:54

I have stopped drinking to cope so there isn't an issue there.
How do I stop being an enabler?

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