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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

There's no wonder or suspense. Can this still be the real thing?

46 replies

purseonfloor · 07/10/2018 20:13

After a string of relationships ending throughout my twenties, all with men who simply didnt want to settle down, I have met a good 'un.

He's not my usual type physically, but we recently DTD and it was amazing. Sorry if TMI but i feel properly fucked after hes finished, which ive never experienced before...

add to that he is kind, funny, down to earth good job, settled, wants a family. he's great and i fall for him a little more every time we meet.

it isnt exciting though. the sex is, the chats are. but theres no suspense, will he call? will he text? does he like me? etc etc. he tells me he wants me, tells me hes falling in love...theres no mystery with this one!

i keep thinking about past relationships and how there was always some uncertainty, even in the longer term over 4 or 5 years. for instance there would often be a crisis or issue with the relationship, or something we had to deal with before we could be together, like long distance. there was always uncertainty and passion. the only passion with this man is in bed and when we talk. there's no dramatic apologies or turning up at 1am or big declarations. it just is - and it is so simple.

i dont want to lose him but something i feel i would want him more if he played a game. that is so immature and i want a family and a future with someone. any help working this one out mumsnetters?

OP posts:
Original poster
purseonfloor · 07/10/2018 20:15

*sometimes i feel, not something!

OP posts:
Casperandme · 07/10/2018 20:16

Read about attachment theory op. There’s something in this link that sums you up perfectly

AnyFucker · 07/10/2018 20:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Bobbiepin · 07/10/2018 20:16

I always say I knew DH was the one because I didn't have all that uncertainty with him. It was like he'd always been there. In past relationships I loved the early days, the thrill, the sex, the hours long phonecalls but got bored. DH and I slotted in to each other's lives and that was that, nothing to get bored of.

Casperandme · 07/10/2018 20:16

psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-change-your-attachment-style/

Sorry link here

TheFifthKey · 07/10/2018 20:17

The uncertainty hooks you. It’s a scientific fact - think about arcade machines. If you won every time nobody would want to play, even though it would actually work out better for them. It’s not knowing that keeps you coming back for more.

Original poster
purseonfloor · 07/10/2018 20:19

how can i change my approach?

i understand drama is for losers. i dont want that!

but this feels so strange.

OP posts:
Apileofballyhoo · 07/10/2018 20:19

Somewhere in your past your brain has made a connection between drama and passion. Unless this guy is actually boring and doesn't engage your mind?

Verbena87 · 07/10/2018 20:19

There is wonder and passion; there is no attempt to fuck each other over or create drama through distress. It sounds like the best thing!

If it helps, when my now husband and I got together I felt taken aback by how obvious and straightforward it felt - I realised it was the first time I’d had a first kiss where there was no part of me watching it happen and going “oh bloody hell, here we go again!”, it was just obvious and simple and wholehearted.

Ten years down the line he’s still the best decision I’ve ever made.

AnyFucker · 07/10/2018 20:20

I don't know how you change your approach

You are either a mature individual or you are not

Somerville · 07/10/2018 20:22

A lack of drama and uncertainty means more passion and fun. Not less.

Original poster
purseonfloor · 07/10/2018 20:22

he definitely engages my mind.

he is incredible in bed.

the only thing that is still developing is the full physical attraction but that always takes me time so isnt specific to him.

it just doesnt feel as full of spark as it can when drama is involved. it feels safe and calm instead. and then passionate when we are in bed as opposed to sitting in the office wondering if hes going to text back and then suddenly he does (childish i know!)

OP posts:
SunflowerJo08 · 07/10/2018 20:25

I think everyone is being a little mean here really - it's fine to question it, OP! And I can't see where the comments about being "immature" come from? It sounds like you've finally met someone straightforward and decent, so just run with it.

FizzyPink · 07/10/2018 20:25

OP I could have written your post. After over 4 years of dating only dickheads I have met the most lovely, thoughtful, kind guy who I have the most incredible sex with. I didn’t even want to go on a date with him as he was so keen over text and I genuinely was thinking he’s too nice but was persuaded by friends.

A couple of months on and I truly value the fact that I know he will call, that I totally trust him on a night out and that I can be completely open about how I feel about him.

I too struggled that there wasn’t the excitement and I knew exactly how he felt about me but honestly that’s so much more important than dating a dickhead you never know where you stand with and I’ve never been as happy as I am right now.

DrFoxtrot · 07/10/2018 20:37

I think it's unhelpful to suggest OP is immature.

I have had several relationships with unsuitable men, endured emotional abuse and questioned why I didn't recognise it as I'm an intelligent person. My more recent relationships have been with men who subconsciously I probably knew were not suitable for me, that wouldn't commit. It was exciting, but also I think I was attracted to them as deep down I didn't want a proper relationship where I might get hurt again.

I've been afraid of intimacy and I would be so upset for somebody to call me immature.

OP it feels strange as it's not what you're used to. I agree with others above who have suggested looking at attachment theory.

mulberrybag · 07/10/2018 20:46

It's not as easy as mature or immature. Some of us aren't fortunate enough to have been taught/shown how 'grown up relationships' work and unless you've managed to secure yourself some decent therapy low self esteem and shit previous relationships can really have a long lasting detrimental effect. I'm absolutely projecting here! I read the link up thread and it was a major lightbulb moment, perhaps that may explain what's going on with you OP ? I'd put your trust in him and go for the no drama option!

category12 · 07/10/2018 20:52

Probably your best bet would be to try some counselling, or possibly the freedom programme, and try to reset your relationship expectations. Because what you have sounds good and what a relationship should be, and it'd be a shame to mess it up.

Casperandme · 07/10/2018 20:59

mulberry I’m glad the link helped - it was a game changer for me

mindutopia · 07/10/2018 21:02

I can only say that I was exactly you 10 years ago. I met someone who was lovely and consistent and no drama at all and so different from all the dickheads I’d been with before. It was boring to an extent maybe as there was no dicking around. But in time, I came to appreciate and relish in the calm and consistency. It was so nice to not be watching my back expecting someone to act like a shithead all the time. It was the first truly mature and healthy relationship I ever had. I feel very lucky I didn’t give up on things because they weren’t as melodramatic as my previous relationships.

A decade later, we are very happily married, have a great life, two dc, and I find him more wonderful and attractive every day. Give it time and see how it goes. You may have just hit gold.

PookieDo · 07/10/2018 21:09

Honestly OP the drama of uncertainty is just a bad habit not a meaningful indication of anything lacking. When you don’t feel uncertainty it can mean that you just feel respected and safe. Nothing more sinister. As for what to do? Nothing. Just be... don’t become a grass is greener type. Just enjoy it

mulberrybag · 07/10/2018 21:30

Thank you @Casperandme Thanks

ILovePierceBrosnan · 07/10/2018 21:46

I had this dilemma a few years ago. I had the most amazing time with him, sex was best ever, he was kind and generous and I felt ...calm. Just calm.
I married him. He’s wonderful.

sar302 · 08/10/2018 06:53

I had this with the guy who turned out to be my husband. He was a friend of a friend. We never really flirted, just got together one day, dated, engaged, married, kid. And he's the most perfect relationship for me ever. Hence, reader, I married him!

Monty27 · 08/10/2018 06:58

Well if he bores you dump him.
Don't look back in anger.
There's something missing and that's probably more about you than him.
You sound very immature

Potato2242 · 08/10/2018 07:07

You sound like me. You've been treated like shit. It's all you know. Now you're not being treated like shit it's strange. Just give it time, don't try and cause any drama, and enjoy it