There's no wonder or suspense. Can this still be the real thing?

[purseonfloor]

After a string of relationships ending throughout my twenties, all with men who simply didnt want to settle down, I have met a good 'un.

He's not my usual type physically, but we recently DTD and it was amazing. Sorry if TMI but i feel properly fucked after hes finished, which ive never experienced before...

add to that he is kind, funny, down to earth good job, settled, wants a family. he's great and i fall for him a little more every time we meet.

it isnt exciting though. the sex is, the chats are. but theres no suspense, will he call? will he text? does he like me? etc etc. he tells me he wants me, tells me hes falling in love...theres no mystery with this one!

i keep thinking about past relationships and how there was always some uncertainty, even in the longer term over 4 or 5 years. for instance there would often be a crisis or issue with the relationship, or something we had to deal with before we could be together, like long distance. there was always uncertainty and passion. the only passion with this man is in bed and when we talk. there's no dramatic apologies or turning up at 1am or big declarations. it just is - and it is so simple.

i dont want to lose him but something i feel i would want him more if he played a game. that is so immature and i want a family and a future with someone. any help working this one out mumsnetters?

Please, re-read your post and imagine it's a friend or family member who you really care about who is saying all this...

Wouldn't you be inclined to say "why on earth are you looking for the excitement of being treated badly"?

Definitely agree that you should look into that attachment style thing. Your man sounds like a keeper, not at all boring, and trustworthy.

Maybe you are devaluing this because you really do value it in your heart and you are actually petrified of how much you have to lose. Sometimes it's "safer" to be in an insecure relationship because you kind of know it's not going to last.

Here, the guy might represent a much bigger risk in terms of you letting yourself be loved. But you deserve love (and so does he), so do try to adapt.

'Grow up, for Christ's sake'

Why do you post in relationships @AnyFucker? You are always so judgemental and don't seem to have a clue what empathy is.

You seem to have self awareness OP which is a good start. Try to relax and enjoy! He sounds great.

Why do you post in relationships @AnyFucker? You are always so judgemental and don't seem to have a clue what empathy is

Where is the empathy required in this situation? OP has a good relationship, yet she wants drama and to be fucked around. Please clarify as I would love to know.

There's an interesting experiment where a researcher does a survey and gives a phone number out. If the survey takes place on a high bridge vs on the ground more people will call the number in the hope of a romantic follow-up. So I'd say don't mistake adrenaline for attraction. And perhaps go on roller-coasters together (or something else that gets a similar reaction) to give you the hit you're looking for in a healthier way than in a relationship you want to be able to depend on!

'Where is the empathy required in this situation? '

If someone posts in relationships they often want a moan, a vent. It may seem a 'drama' to others but empathy is understanding that others feel confused or need advice no matter how silly it may seem to others.

Telling someone to 'grow up for Christ's sake' is not helpful.

If you are looking for fireworks and surprise and newness in a relationship, you are not looking for a long-term relationship. Because all that wears off pretty quickly, and if that's what's important to you, you will stray looking for the whole "newness" fix again.

It's really best to accept that you need a solid relationship (and ultimately friendship) underneath all the shiny new wrapping, if you can see that before you have the metaphorical wrapping off, you've probably got a potential keeper.

I think women are socialised to put others needs first, to look after others, and mostly to accept a situation where their own needs are seldom met or even completely undermined or denied. We fall into a pattern of believing we can rescue these badly damaged men, we can be the person who overcomes adversity, the one he eventually settled with. There is this whole trope about men sweeping us off our feet but ultimately we believe that men do not want to commit. We must therefore obsess and wait around on a bumpy road to nothing ever hopeful he will see sense and see that we "the special one" is worth giving up the fight for.

Men so often behave badly and there are now countless websites advising how they should play games to keep women in a desperate state of uncertainty. My guess is this uncertainty and drama become addictive because it feeds the former socialisation we go through. It's shit.

I've always expected a man to do exactly what he says. To be predictable and reliable, to be transparent and honest. Only then will I consider his and start to make myself available physically or emotionally. Does that sound deeply unfeminist? Probably, but does the former sound any better?

But then I hold men to the same standards I hold everyone. I don't make friends with dishonest, unreliable game players, whose dramatics are likely to harm me.

Op give it time. This is the way it should be.

Let me see if I have this right - you have an amazing relationship, one that many on mumsnet would dream of having, but you’d prefer it if he could treat you like shit and fuck it all up?

I hope you get your wish and he dumps you. He could do better.

I don't understand the problem here

It is absolutely clear that some posters here do not have a clue about attachment problems and how they might manifest themselves in relationship difficulties and how people may sabotage perfectly good relationships because of previous experiences.

I'm genuinely pleased that you have never had the chance to experience this, the wasted years in unsuitable relationships and the anxiety of wondering what's wrong with you.

I did and i broke the habit by being single without sex for 5+ years
Harsh but it worked. During that time I lost all attraction to drama, became happier in myself and feel ready to date

If this is what you feel like you might not actually be ready to date. If you jump from relationship to relationship it’s your own personal rollercoaster. And you can get off no one is keeping you on it but you

I think I'm qualified enough to tell you.. that if you let this one go.. 10 years time when you've had enough of game playing & drama & arsehole men you will regret it!!

I speak from experience

This man can't do right for doing wrong eh? I'm not sure re the answer. All sounds a bit dramatic for no reason

The people lacking any empathy with the OP obviously haven’t had the sort of life experience that made them expect and associate drama, chaos, fear and insecurity with relationships.

OP isn’t seeking it, she doesn’t understand why this feels different and whether it signifies a lack of passion. Attachment theory isn’t something I was familiar with but explains this perfectly.

I wish psychologists would do an article about why people post like snippy, bad tempered, uncaring, angry people when in real life they are hopefully not so unpleasant.
MN is one of the worse places for angry or snippy posts. ,

Actually only 5 posters have been like that. Lots of thoughtful posts otherwise.

You do seek it though. I think it’s misleading to make people believe these things just happen to them and these people magically gravitate towards them. It’s a subconscious choice to filter out what is otherwise seen as healthy. OP will have all manner of unhealthy boundaries (which she can fix, with time and effort)

I knew my husband was a keeper early on, because he was so straight forward and drama free. It was the morning after we first spent the night together, usually an absolute mine field of awkward conversation and second guessing, but not with him. 10 years on, we’re very happy together- no arguments and no lack of physical chemistry.

He’s completely different from all of my previous boyfriends. In my teens and early 20s I had enough ‘drama’ with boyfriends who didn’t care enough about me to be kind. I’m very glad I got out of that loop. My best friend married her (lovely but difficult) uni boyfriend and in a recent conversation / about how miserable they both are and how they’re discussing splitting up - she suggested that my relationship is lacking passion. If that’s passion, I’ll take happiness and stability instead, thank you.

Why do you say you 'don't want to lose' him and in the same post lament about the samey-ness of it all? Perhaps you've been used to assholes and don't feel worthy of a proper relationship but I get the feeling that you want to play out some sort of drama for no good reason.

I agree with AF. You do sound a bit breathless and immature about it OP. Perhaps this relationship isn't for you after all? If you could stop navel-gazing and enjoy the relationship for what it is then maybe you could be happy. As it is, I think it will possibly run its course.

Maybe you’ve hit paydirt! I could understand being unsure especially if you’ve dated all the untrustworthy men on the planet but give it a chance-you may realize he’s perfect for you!