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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex wife - taking Husband to the cleaners

75 replies

irbextbg · 07/10/2018 14:36

I was married for just over 2 years, have a daughter 3 years old.
My wife has made it her business to destroy me and make it impossible to live a normal life!

OP posts:
MakeAWhish · 07/10/2018 14:38

What exactly do you want from this post? Advice? Sympathy? Both? Without more details it's impossible to comment. How did the marriage break down? What are her reasons for trying to 'destroy' you?

Hideandgo · 07/10/2018 14:39

It’s impossible to know what your definition of ‘taking to the cleaners is’. When you married all your (combined) assets became equally owned. Is she going for more than half?

Original poster
irbextbg · 07/10/2018 14:40

Ok, I just wanted to see if there is a reply as I’ve never used this before.
What I’m wanting to know if I am just crazy in terms of what I wanted.

OP posts:
Original poster
irbextbg · 07/10/2018 14:40

Here is the detail

OP posts:
Original poster
irbextbg · 07/10/2018 14:42

I went to mediation and when things didn’t go the way my ex wanted she made a false allegation of domestic violence, then went to CSA and said I don’t want to pay for my daughter despite me continuing to pay the full morgage.

OP posts:
Original poster
irbextbg · 07/10/2018 14:43

Then she restricted access to my daughter, the court didn’t like this and said I should be able to see her. Then when she wasn’t happy she made the allegations of domestic violence to the family court who then stopped access while the investigation was underway.

OP posts:
HugeAckmansWife · 07/10/2018 14:44

I know a lady who left her ex after he had an affair. It took 4 years and a huge amount of emotional distress including some appalling bullying and lying from him before a settlement was reached that was fair and left them both with enough to house themselves. Randomly, I discovered that a family member knew the ex husband and had heard the whole saga from his side. The phrase 'taken to the cleaners' was used there too. If by that phrase you mean you have to ensure your ex isn't left high and dry then too bad. And she can't do anything without the agreement of a judge so really it's the court that has 'taken you to the cleaners', not her.

HugeAckmansWife · 07/10/2018 14:45

Sorry just seen your update. Ignore my post as its irrelevant to your situation!

Original poster
irbextbg · 07/10/2018 14:45

Then after proving in criminal court I had not hurt her physically, and social services saying I was fine to see my daughter she started making allegations of me breaching my restraining order, this happened 12 times until police warned her they would take action for wasting police time.

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 07/10/2018 14:46

Do you have a solicitor representing you?

Original poster
irbextbg · 07/10/2018 14:49

I was completely broken emotionally, and was litrially hanging on by the skin of my teeth to my job, and when it came to the second hearing re finances I just wanted it all to end, she has 2 months after me being forced out of the family home hooked up with her ex boss who is a millionaire and he is funding her by hiring a Barrister and Solicitors. And so when we got into court I got hammered.

OP posts:
RomanyRoots · 07/10/2018 14:49

So, you have to pay the mortgage, is it in both names?
I think you can only complain if you are paying mortgage, more than csa maintenance, (let's face it it's not much) and more.
If it's a false case of dv you'll have nothing to worry about, find yourself a good solicitor as obviously mediation didn't work for you both.

Original poster
irbextbg · 07/10/2018 14:51

The net if this story is that I lost all the money I put into the house, have to pay £1,350 Spoucial maintenance, £655 for child support but have a variable income and some months only net £4,500 pm and have had to take out a loan just to meet my monthly obligations

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 07/10/2018 14:51

Well, she's wasting everybody's time, isn't she - hers, yours, and the police's?! This still isn't what I'd call taking you to the cleaners though.

Gazelda · 07/10/2018 14:52

This doesn't sound sustainable.
What legal advice have you had? Can you go back to court?

over50andfab · 07/10/2018 14:53

Whatever the reason for your split she should not use your daughter as a pawn. You will have to use your solicitor for advice and keep a log of everything that happens - allegations etc

Singlenotsingle · 07/10/2018 14:54

You "only" net £4500 (some months you make more???) Wow! I think you've probably lost my sympathy. You're doing fine! What monthly obligations have you got ffs?

Original poster
irbextbg · 07/10/2018 14:54

Why am I writing this? Because I am crushed and and don’t know why it seems as if 1. Its so easy for women to make dv allegations 2. Why there is such a groundswell opinion that all me stack women 3. Why other women seem completely oblivious of some women using dv allegations as a weapon

OP posts:
Original poster
irbextbg · 07/10/2018 14:57

Remeber I was married for 2 years 1 child and lost all my money in terms of equity in the house. This is her third marriage, first one 8 months the guy paid her £10k just to leave the house (15 years ago). Second husband 2 kids and she got £60k and gets £600 pm. And now me. I only found out about all this after I left the family home

OP posts:
Moominfan · 07/10/2018 14:57

I'm not naive to it but wouldn't want the process to be made difficult for women. If it's punitive for women then less women would come forward

subspace · 07/10/2018 14:59

So your paying £2k pcm to ex wife and child, leaving you with £2500 pcm to live off yourself and you're saying you can't afford to keep yourself on £2500 a month?

My how the other half live Confused

Original poster
irbextbg · 07/10/2018 15:00

I can go back to court and ask for a variation, but this will take 12 months and although I earn a good salary I have no way of getting my own morgage because my name has to stay on the morgage. In the meantime I have a debit of over £20k because I had to hire barristers to help defend me in criminal court and to get contact back with my daughter

OP posts:
Hideandgo · 07/10/2018 15:00

Single, lots of people have monthly obligations that cost £4000. Now he only has £2500 which simply might not cover it if his rent is £1400+ (pretty normal rent for very crap 2 bed place depending on where he lives).

It sounds like you’ve been through the ringer OP. The spousal maintenance is the tough one as I don’t think anyone should be held responsible for supporting an estranged adult indefinitely.

Not Sure what to say. All you can do is try to go back to court.

over50andfab · 07/10/2018 15:01

You haven’t answered the question...have you had legal advice - and representation in court? You have only had a short marriage (less than 10 yrs) so do not have to either support her or give her half. Yes you have to make sure your child is housed and cared for, but that’s it.

Original poster
irbextbg · 07/10/2018 15:02

I have 2 sisters and would never want it to be difficult for women to bring forward dv allegations but I am shocked at how this can be abused and how much it costs for a man to defend himself against this.

OP posts: