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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex wife - taking Husband to the cleaners

75 replies

irbextbg · 07/10/2018 14:36

I was married for just over 2 years, have a daughter 3 years old.
My wife has made it her business to destroy me and make it impossible to live a normal life!

OP posts:
Hideandgo · 07/10/2018 15:03

And not all people are oblivious to what women lie about in court.

over50andfab · 07/10/2018 15:06

See the Matrimonial Causes Act Section 25. How long do you have to pay spousal for? And how big is the matrimonial home? If large it is normally sold so that 2 properties can be bought.

Original poster
irbextbg · 07/10/2018 15:10

Hideandgo - I am going to go back to court and I live in Oxford to be close to my daughter, so yes rent is expensive.
The thing I guess I’m looking for is validation that I’m either mad or that I need to carry on the fight.
Legal advise is to fight ! But throughout this process I’ve remained passive and not made one allegation ! Because I have my daughters interests at heart. But my ex has completely taken the p......., and she has not stopped her harassment. It is now at a point where she tells my 3 year old daughter to ask me for new clothing and toys “mommy days you have loads of money” and I kid you not this is what is happening.

So I’m asking other moms is it fair of me now to finally kick back hard and start making accusations and ask my friends for money so I can pay for legal representation that closes this down.

I don’t ant to but feel this may be the only way I can finally get her off my back and start focusing on my daughter.

OP posts:
Original poster
irbextbg · 07/10/2018 15:15

Yes I lived an ok life but have a professional job and work from 6 to 8 most days and studied for 6 years. Some months I earn a lot more but the truth is this can end tomorrow. I’m looking for a fair deal, remeber my ex took all my life savings as this is what I put into the house and while we were together she didn’t work.

OP posts:
Original poster
irbextbg · 07/10/2018 15:16

Thank you this is the type of thing I want.

OP posts:
Xenia · 07/10/2018 15:16

Have you had a final divorce hearing or sealed court consent order dealing with the divorce finances? It sounds as if yo have and if those monthly sums were ordered and house transfer to your wife.
Does the order say she must take you off the mortgage? Does it refer to maintenance changing if she cohabits or remarries? If there a time limit on the spousal maintenance obligation.

I am sorry you have had a bad time. I am the higher earner too and my exhusband got more than half our assets despite our both working full time even when we had babies. The law is pretty unfair on higher earners.

Original poster
irbextbg · 07/10/2018 15:17

Answer - I did have legal advice but couldn’t afford it when I got to the financial hearing because I used all my spare cash £20k to defend myself against criminal allegations and trying to get decent access to my daughter which I now have

OP posts:
Original poster
irbextbg · 07/10/2018 15:32

We have had consent order re finances but I was in such bad emotional state when it got to that hearing (allegations of dv in criminal court, 12 allegations of breaching a restraining order, allegations of dv in family court, messages being sent to my friends that I hit her, being arrested at place of work for false allegations of stealing her underwear when I left her family home) I just anted the pain to stop 🛑 and agreed to a crazy deal but to be honest didn’t even fully understand the implications till two days later. Sounds pretty pathetic - I know. But I really didn’t anticipate that she would go at this whole thing as hard as she has.
Scary part she is still pushing for more.

Another reason I’ve come on here is I have been having thoughts of taking my own life - when someone makes it there absolute mission to obviously make you feel like a true sh.. and ba.....d then some of it seeps in.

And I know above statement sounds stupid after reading it but it is where I am and denying it would be lying to myself.

OP posts:
lovelycuppateas · 07/10/2018 15:32

Obviously, you need to do what's best for your daughter. If you can, pause and think for a while before reacting. It's very hard to do this when you feel you've been treated unfairly, and I appreciate that the financial settlement seems untenable, but I wonder what it is that you really want? Do you want to spend more money, time and years and stress on this, now you have the most important thing - access to your daughter? The more you fight, the more her mum will be spurred on to saying negative things about you. I know it's difficult, but act wisely rather than in anger.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 07/10/2018 15:36

If you can afford it I'd recommend you fight on for your daughter. If your ex does succeed in preventing you from seeing her you want to be able to show your daughter how hard you tried when she comes looking for you eventually.

It's very hard to force the parent who has a child most of the time to allow contact. In my case DSD's mum used to say my DSD was too ill to come. This happened week after week for months. Then she just said my DSD wasn't coming at all. Our solicitor advised us that the courts wouldn't be able to do much, as they hardly ever punish mothers who do this.

I knew a woman who told everyone her ex had sexually abused her two young children. I know she lied because she told me all about it, gleeful that her accusation would shove him out of his children's lives forever.

You have my sympathy.

Original poster
irbextbg · 07/10/2018 15:45

I have access to my daughter, I’m happy with the amount of access. This cost me a lot of money but the emotional burden was far worse.

I’m glad I see her now but I now need to make such a life adjustment and feel so scared by all of this its hard to see the light.

Also, I believe every action has a reaction. I could go crazy, from a legal and “above board way” or just let this all get to me. I have and am living through a complete miscarriage of justice and it’s this, that is completely breaking me down.

I keep on asking myself how was this possible, and how can someone get away with this or even want this type of thing to happen.

OP posts:
Original poster
irbextbg · 07/10/2018 15:48

Now we are getting to the nub of my problem.
Some men hit there wives - this is completely unacceptable, but there is a system and process to deal with these idiots.
But what about women who abuse men ? - the whole thing has shifted so far to the other side it’s shocking, and very damaging.

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 07/10/2018 15:49

I used all my spare cash £20k to defend myself against criminal allegations

Borrow from relatives, work a second job, sell your gadgets. Do whatever it takes to hire a good attorney to fix the financial mess for you. That's really the only way this is going to get sorted.

crimsonlake · 07/10/2018 15:50

Your wife was awarded what she received as obviously the District Judge thought it was achievable when reviewing your income ? They would not have awarded her that amount if it left you financially imbalanced? That is the whole point of court. As for applying for a downward variation, why are you saying you need to leave it 12 months? If it is because you are struggling to pay for representation then go it alone and represent yourself. No one will care more than your case than yourself, I have had 2 do it 7 times, 2 of those were for Variation hearings. Go post on the Wikivorce government funded divorce website, you will get plenty of advice and help off the community there. With their help I had the courage to self represent, Good luck.

Original poster
irbextbg · 07/10/2018 15:52

Thank you very much.

OP posts:
over50andfab · 07/10/2018 15:53

OP it sounds like everything had been really tough for you. You will find loads of stories on here from both mums and dads where they had to endure shitty divorces.

It is incredibly difficult to separate the emotional from the practical...which is where solicitors or impartial advice is needed.

Perhaps concentrate on your mental well being for now. Have you considered counselling? And remember there is always the Samaritans who can help if things get too much Tel. 116 123

Original poster
irbextbg · 07/10/2018 15:58

Thank you, the reason I came on here was because I read a post online that men can come here too.
My personal feeling is that women have come together because men are shits and women are all good. This seems to be the trend and is why I feel so isolated.

OP posts:
StrongerThanIThought76 · 07/10/2018 15:59

Didn't want to read and run but if you are paying spousal and child maintenance (agreed in court) then I assume that you have stopped paying the mortgage too? If not then yes, go back for a variation with this written in.

Also have a look at the Wikivorce website - I couldn't have got through my divorce without them.

Bedspead · 07/10/2018 16:00

I know plenty of women who are shits op, some of them post here!

The advice to go to the wiki board sounds good, get your posts up there and you will get help.

Original poster
irbextbg · 07/10/2018 16:07

Thank you everyone who wrote on here.

OP posts:
viques · 07/10/2018 16:09

You only found out she had been married twice and had two children by her second husband AFTER you had left the marital home? You're not very bright are you?

elliemillie · 07/10/2018 16:16

Your story has made me so sad.

I am getting more and more convinced people shouldn't get married. Its so overrated and when it goes wrong it can go terribly wrong.

I can only reiterate what the others have said about wikivorce. Its an invaluable resource

Bedspead · 07/10/2018 16:17

Or perhaps she lied to him so she could take him to the cleaners 🙄

You’re not very worldly, empathetic or compassionate are you viques ?

over50andfab · 07/10/2018 16:20

You will find a lot of women on MN are very blunt nowadays.

I’m not sure whether you are looking for verification that you have been badly done by, or if you are looking for advice on what to do....

On the first, well yes, as I said no one should use the kids as pawns and lie, sullying the other person’s character. However you should not descend to playing the same games. People who lie consistently will be found out.

On the second, check out wikivorce and also the MCA section 25 which clearly shows what is taken into account finance wise. Arm yourself with as much knowledge as you can. Use legal representation where it matters. One step at a time.

Take care.

FallenIvy · 07/10/2018 16:49

viques

And you sound like a truly awful person. Does saying mean things to someone going through an extremely tough time make you feel better about yourself???