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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I tell this lady??

48 replies

Onlytheused · 07/10/2018 01:23

A few months ago, I went on a few dates with a guy. Found out pretty quickly he was a serial cheat AND he'd been seeing someone the whole time, so ended it pretty quickly. The last few weeks, he's been texting me, practically begging to meet up, which I've obviously denied. Both this weekend and last, he's sent messages basically suggesting we should have sex again Hmm He's also recently become 'Facebook official' with the woman he was seeing WHILE we were dating.

I don't envy her at all. I have zero interest in being with this guy. But, having been cheated on in the past and years wasted, my question is - should I tell her? To be honest I don't know this girl at all, but I just feel some sort of duty to warn her off the years of hurt she's surely got to come? Or should I leave it? Totally recognise my motivations could be coming from a very personal place and this could be very out of order.

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 07/10/2018 01:42

Hi only

To be honest I would block and delete any way of him contacting you, if he's this pushy and doesn't take no for an answer, he might be a problem if you bring her in to it

Also there is the point that you might not of be the only he's messaging like this
Keep,away from him and protect yourself

ViserionTheDragon · 07/10/2018 01:47

I say leave well alone, she'll find out soon enough....

Original poster
Onlytheused · 07/10/2018 01:52

You are probably both very correct, and what I needed to hear. I just feel so sad for her. He was with his ex 10 years and apparently cheated in her incessantly without her funding our until the end. Hate how these creeps can waste so much if someone's life without a moment's thought.

OP posts:
moredoll · 07/10/2018 01:53

Block and delete. You can't solve this one for her, only for you.

IcanMooCanYou · 07/10/2018 01:53

I disagree. I'd want to know. I'd screen shot everything you've got (showing dates if possible) and send them to her on messenger if that's the only way you have to contact. Then leave it up to her what to do with the information

Isadora2007 · 07/10/2018 01:53

No harm in sending her some screen shots of his request. But don’t be surprised if she doesn’t appreciate it.

Original poster
Onlytheused · 07/10/2018 01:54

Oh and on my reason I hadn't already blocked is he's a family friend... feel so stupid not knowing his tendencies sooner! I honestly don't see him as a harrasdmet risk, just a bloke who thinks he's gods gift!

OP posts:
Original poster
Onlytheused · 07/10/2018 01:55

Ugh. Sorry for typos. Clearly need sleep!!

OP posts:
whynot93 · 07/10/2018 06:42

I'd have to tell, she deserves to know and he's a complete waste of space. If you have evidence do the right this and warm a fellow female of this vile man. You'd certainly save her some heartache in the long run.

SandyY2K · 07/10/2018 06:59

Time to block him family friend or not. If he persists...tell him (in writing) to stop harassing you or you'll be seeking legal advice about it.

Villagelifer · 07/10/2018 07:04

I would tell. Seems wrong to watch someone walk into something like that and not warn them.
But as a PP said I would not wait for her reaction, and I would definitely block the "family friend".

dudsville · 07/10/2018 07:04

I'd tell her. I never understand why one woman would leave another woman to find out on her own. Of course what she does with the info is up to her, but give her all the info you have. How is he so casual, he may surly believe women won't tell each other what we know.

SpoonBlender · 07/10/2018 07:07

Another vote for telling her. No need for her to waste her life on him. She almost certainly won't appreciate you telling her though, so be ready with your best 'ignore the whole thing now' attitude, block etc.

Santaclarita · 07/10/2018 07:18

Tell her. Do you want him to waste 10 years of someone else's life?

dirtybadger · 07/10/2018 07:20

I would tell her if you have proof (messages). If you don't then there's no point he will deny it and you'll look bad.

Only reason I wouldn't tell her is if it puts you in any danger or significantly effects others relationships as he is a family friend.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 07/10/2018 07:23

Tell her.

If ‘telling’ was the ‘default’ we would make it far harder for these twats to cheat and fewer women would waste their lives being strung along by dicks like this.

SalemBlackCat4 · 07/10/2018 07:24

I disagree with those who think ignore. As a woman, I think you have a duty to tell a fellow sisterhood if she is being cheated on, especially if serially. Do people not understand that this woman's life could be at risk, if not from HPV or similar, but from HIV? I think it is very selfish and callous of people to walk away and not tell someone. I would want to know. And if my partner had been cheating on me for years and potentially risking my life and my health, I would want to know. If I got sick, I would be just as furious, if not more so, at those who knew and turned their back on me and walked away. If you can do it anonymously via screenshot evidence, then do it that way.

SalemBlackCat4 · 07/10/2018 07:26

"If ‘telling’ was the ‘default’ we would make it far harder for these twats to cheat "

EXACTLY!!! This happens because us women enable it and turn our backs on our own sisterhood. The repercussions of this is not just healthwise for the woman possibly infected, but it enables men to get away with this.

Not telling is unconscionable. It is a bigger betrayal than the act itself.

Hideandgo · 07/10/2018 07:31

Tell her!

Cawfee · 07/10/2018 07:35

I’d want to know and I’d thank you for informing me. What’s wrong with women who flame other women who tell them the truth about a guy? We all need to wise up

AynRandTheObjectivist · 07/10/2018 07:39

Given that they be only been together a very short time and he was lying to her right from the start, I would tell her in this circumstance.

Stormwhale · 07/10/2018 07:44

I would tell her, but with the added note that since you have found out that you have had nothing to do with him and will never go there again, have blocked him etc. Otherwise she might think you are trying to split them up so you can have him to yourself.

MoonGeek · 07/10/2018 07:47

Tell her

RickOShay · 07/10/2018 07:48

Yes I would tell her. Would you want somebody to tell you?

It’s the decent thing to do.

Hassled · 07/10/2018 07:58

I agree you should tell her, as kindly and gently as possible, with evidence and with reassurances that you have no vested interest anymore. And I agree that it's the conspiracy of silence that lets men keep getting away with this shit.