Lonely and pregnant

[Kk101]

Hi

I’m pregnant with our third child. This wasn’t planned but I’m happy about it however my husband just can’t ‘get used to the idea’. He’s always been a very quiet man - not inclined to share his feelings but it so much worse now. It is making me feel desperately lonely. We only speak about practical things now and even then it’s t
In the fewest possible words. I am the opposite - I am extremely (sometimes too) open about my feelings. I know this makes him feel awkward - particularly when I’m upset (I’m pregnant, hormonal so more upset ham normal).

I am trying so hard to give him his space about this pregnancy. It was a shock to both of us. To begin with I was full of guilt about the way this pregnancy would affect our other children - less money, less space, fewer holidays etc. - but ultimately I am now so happy that we’re having another lo and our children are ecstatic. My husband just cannot get on board with it. He doesn’t want rid (too late now anyway) but he won’t talk about it (other than joke discussions with my two children about silly names for the baby). Even after our 20 week scan - as we were leaving the hospital I asked him how he felt about it and his response was ‘about what’. Then went on to say there was nothing to talk about. We’d done this before etc.

The whole thing just makes me feel so alone. He’s coming to appointments with me but I feel like he’s going through the motions. I’m an older mum and had a few health issues immediately before the pregnancy which mean things are a bit complex. All is likely to be ok but I’m still concerned and would like to talk about t - or even just talk about preparations - but he won’t. It all just makes me feel so so lonely. I’m now having to hide my upset and concerns. I just don’t feel like this is what a marriage should be about. We should be supporting each other. I’ve tried to give him the space he needs and asked for. I’ve told him that maybe sometimes all I need if a hug or for him to ask me how I am but I get nothing.

Maybe I’m being selfish. I just don’t know. He’s not an unkind man in any way but I just don’t feel very loved right now (sorry that sounds pathetic).

Thanks

well if the baby wasnt planned he is entitled to be upset.

I k ow he’s entitled to be upset. We found out 4 months ago. I’m not asking him not to be upset. I’m asking him to talk to me - about anything at all but us a bit about the fact that we’ll be having another child in 4 months and we need a new car, pram, etc.

I am alone with this. I am dealing with the pains I have, the changing body, the fact that I also did not plan it, the appointments, the talks with my children etc. He literally ignores the situation as if it’s not happening.

I cannot stop crying - I try to hide it now but sometimes I can’t and he ignores it. Literally looks at me. Sees I’m crying and carries on with whatever he was doing. When I ask him why he says he doesn’t know what to do. I do try so hard to not get upset in front of him.

I want to give him his space but what am I getting from him. He is simply able to ignore the pregnancy at the moment. I can’t.

Green - what a terrible response. It takes 2 and all that. OP - I feel for you. He's a grown up FFS. He's acting like a petulant child. I get that not everyone is open with their feelings but you are supposed to be partners and he is about to become a father for thec3rd time. He needs to grow the fuck up and accept his responsibilities.

but the point is when a woman is pregnant she can terminate. he cant. sounds like he just went along with it because he loves you but didnt want the baby.

GreenLantern in this case that’s not the point. He would never have opted for a termination. It’s just not something that he agrees with (for him/is. He still pro choice -just not a choice he would go for.). I ask him several time if that was something he wanted. He was emphatic that it was not.

I should also point out termination is not something I could have chosen either (again pro choice but not for me). It simple is not that simple.

He doesn't want the baby, OP.
You need to accept you are unlikely to get the emotional support from him that you need. Perhaps consider asking him to move out if he doesn't change.

He is a wonderful father to my children and I have to reason to believe he won’t be to the new baby. I could never ask him to move out. Why does breaking up have to be the answer?

I know he does not want this baby but I also know that he would not take that out on the baby. As I said he is not an unkind man.

The issue is the way that he communications and supports (or doesn’t) me. I cannot ask him to live separately from his children.

*communicates

I feel that asking him to leave because he doesn’t support me emotionally would be selfish. This is a family. The children’s needs come first and he more than meets those. I am so so lucky that he is such a wonderful father. I would never criticise him on that front (other than he’s too soft...but so many fathers are). I could not deprive my children of their father - no matter how lonely or unhappy I was.

Kk101 I think how he is behaving to you is unacceptable and he needs to realise that stat. What will he do during night feeds, even the labour, when you are too big to carry things or if you are unwell after the birth. And by that I mean what will he do for you not the kids?

You know he would also be a great dad if you two separated (not that I’m suggesting you should) it’s not the same as being a great husband.

Life has thrown you both a huge challenge, you can either grow together by dealing with it or let it push you apart. I think you have got to be completely explicit about what you need from him and what the emotional, practical whatever consequences are if he doesn’t step up. Think if it was reversed, not perhaps a birth but maybe a life changing thing like cancer - would you behave like this to him?!

Also, if you are religious (sounds like you might be?) I think there is often some couples counselling you can access through the church or something. You have both sort of experienced a trauma and you need to deal with it

Thanks. I’m not particularly religious (termination just wouldn’t be right for me) although he is (not practicing - more out of business/laziness than anything). I’d happily go for couples counselling but I don’t think he would. He’s very much an ‘every man is an island’ kind of person.

I know he will do his version of best through things like labour and night feeds. I don’t believe that there is any bad meaning behind any of his behaviour - he just doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with it/doesn’t know how to react differently. That said he is stubborn so if someone suggest he should be doings something differently he’ll stick to it even more vehemently.

My last pregnancy was not without complications and he looked after our eldest whilst I was in hospital for weeks on his own without a word of complaint. He will do some of the physical things really well - looking after the children, letting me nap etc he just doesn’t seem able to do the emotional stuff anymore. I know he doesn’t mean it.

The longer this lasts though the more damage it is doing.

I think the big thing that is getting to me is that he sees this is a big challenge - for him - he wants me to give him space, to let him deal with it his way (which I am trying so hard to do) but he won’t support me to deal with it (genuinely 90% of the time I want him to give me a hug or say ‘how are you’?) I genuinely believe he thinks he’s got the raw end of the deal here - any maybe he does. Actually being the one that is pregnant certainly means you have to ‘get used to the idea’ and deal with it. I love this lo so so much but I know he can’t get connect.

I feel so so guilty that such a wonderful blessing is being seen so negatively.

I'm in exactly the same position as you, unplanned pregnancy and DP can't get on board (but has never asked me to terminate) not that I would anyway.

Like yours, mine is just going through the motions. I attended MW appointments alone although I don't suppose that's out of the ordinary, he will be coming to the scans and obviously the birth.

As I knew from our initial conversation that he "wasn't happy" about the baby I've tried to avoid mentioning it often, purely to spare my own feelings from being reminded that he doesn't "want" the baby that I'm starting to fall in love with myself.

We had a big row a month or so ago when I said we need to talk about this properly, I had began telling friends and family and felt a bit humiliated that he'd respond with dismay when he was congratulated at work or in social settings.

He reassured me that although he doesn't "want" to have another baby right now that won't stop him bonding with and loving them when they arrive. His personal feelings on the matter now won't affect his willingness to be a good father, and that is all I needed to hear to put my mind at rest so to speak.

This will be our second DC and he is a good father to #1.

I know some people get irked on behalf of the men who don't want a baby but are then 'forced' to accept one and be a father regardless of their feelings. The way I see it is he made a conscious decision to have unprotected sex with the mother of his child, and he did so knowing there was a risk of pregnancy. I've noticed that a lot of MN contributors are pro choice (which I respect) but there's also that percentage of us for who abortion isn't an option, and our DP's/DH's have to accept that as sadly for some women having a termination can be extremely emotionally detrimental.

Men do have the option to walk away and not play an active role in the babies life but as you are clear from your post that he is an otherwise brilliant father and good husband, I don't think you have to worry about that.

I have gotten a bit annoyed at my DP at times for being so doom and gloom, it's not as though he has to deal with the physical aspects of pregnancy, the changes it brings to your body or even the sleepless nights (he works nights)

All that can be asked of them is to be supportive, which isn't too much to ask for at all in the grand scheme of things.

OP I hope your husband comes around to the idea, but don't worry if it isn't an immediate turn around.. My bet would be once the baby arrives he will change his tune. It would be very difficult for an otherwise good father to look at a new life he has created and feel nothing! For the moment the baby is not "here" and not all men bond with the pregnancy like we do. I'm sure it'll all work out just fine

In my case, DP has started to mention the baby more. He'll remind me to eat as I'm "eating for two" (which is a myth BTW) and is making a conscious effort to be mindful, even if he still isn't thrilled about DC2 right now he's still here and he's a godsend with DC1

Good luck with your pregnancy x

Thanks so much for your message. You’re right I need to concentrate on the fact that things will change when the baby is here. I am glad that things are slowly changing for you and hope I don’t have to wait too long for the same.

Good luck with your pregnancy xx

I've been here. Unplanned, then 2 weeks after we found out, his mum found she had terminal cancer. We had to nurse her for the few weeks she had left and then he was grieving. He was emotionally unavailable for the whole of the pregnancy and i referred to my little one as my 'secret baby'. Four years on our daughter has him well and truly wrapped around her finger, she is currently sat on his knee, stroking his hair and singing to him.

You may have to do this pregnancy alone, very unfair as you have had to face up to it, but this is your reality. Do you have close friends or family you can lean on for support?

I wish you the best of luck and hope he comes round soon.

Oh my gosh. I can’t imagine how awful that situation must have been. I’m glad you’re through it now and it’s lovely to hear your daughter has you oh wrapped around her finger (as it should be).

I am determined now to focus on the positives. All being well we’ll have a lovely litttle baby for us to shower with love. He is a truly great father and that is what matters in this situation.

Thanks xx

he might not ask/want you to have termination but that doesnt mean he wants the baby. hopefully when baby is born he will come around.

GreenLantern I know he doesn’t want the baby. He has to get a grip though and realise it’s happening. He can’t just bury his head in the sand and expect me to be the one the deals with it all. He is as responsible for this as I am. Right now he is living in denial. That is NOT ok.

It is no longer a it what people want. We are in this together and he needs to provide me with support - there are risks to my health that he k ones about but refuses to acknowledge or discuss.

Honestly it takes two too tango, he's being utterly selfish when you stress the baby stresses due to your heart rate increasing, have a form word with him because being pregnant myself I know how emotional pregnancy is, tell him that you can't believe him, say "if your future child could see your reaction they would cry".

Firm

Your DH is being a selfish arse OP, but that doesn't solve your lack of communication issues. Would he consent to marriage counselling? It sounds like maybe you need to sit in a room with a neutral person helping the two of you to communicate until you've both said your piece and can hopefully get back to speaking to one another in a normal, adult way. I can see how this situation would develop. If I'd pregnant accidentally with #3 I think my DH and I would've been the same - unable/unwilling to terminate, but gutted and I think he'd have found it hard to get past. However, get past it he must, as this baby will arrive in a few months' time. If he won't consent to joint counselling, would he go and talk to someone himself? He needs to get his head around what happening and stop burying his head in the sand.

he needs to provide me with support

One other thing - I strongly suggest that you find some other people to support you - do you have family you can talk to? Do you have someone you can discuss your medical worries with? I can't help feeling that your needs for emotional neediness is not helping at the moment. That is not a criticism, it's just that reading what you've written I can't help feeling that your current neediness is driving him further away than if you were taking all this stuff a bit more in your stride. A couple is not an island and at a time of crisis, such as the one you are in, it really helps if both partners have other people outside their marriage whom they can lean on for support. That way you have another ring of involved people around you helping to share your burdens, rather than those burdens crushing the two of you.

I'm also pregnant with an unplanned third baby so can really sympathise.

We were very happy with our two who are still only one and three when we had sex once - and I mean literally once that month - and foolishly thought that me being 45 meant that getting pregnant would be very unlikely and yet bam! We were both so upset and attended BPAS appointments three times with a view to terminating the pregnancy but we just couldn't do it. It was a horrible horrible time. I felt so strongly that I didn't want another pregnancy/newborn/third child but I couldn't face an abortion. And my DP felt the same.

Fast forward, I am now almost eight months pregnant and although we both still feel a bit 'aaaaaaargh' about it, we've accepted we're meant to have three little ones but we are both being 'done' after this to make sure there isn't a fourth :)

It makes me so angry to hear of your DH's behaviour. Yes, the baby wasn't planned and yes he isn't happy about it and yes he's struggling to accept you're about to have another child and all that brings BUT the situation is here now! You are BOTH responsible for the situation. You BOTH had sex without using contraception and you BOTH know the possible consequences of doing so. It is as hard if not harder for you than it is for him. You have to deal with the pregnancy, he has nine months to get used to having another child.

How you come to be in the situation is irrelevant now, you're here and you need his support. He's had long enough to sulk about it he now needs to accept it, accept life throws challenges at us, deal with it and support each other. Crikey it's a baby within a stable relationship, it's not the result of a one night stand with someone he never wanted to be tied to. I hope he starts to change his attitude. x