Inconsiderate husband plz help.

[Poll321]

Hi,

Recently my husband and I had a family wedding. In the run up to this event we had a fallout due to his excessive work hrs on the 1 family day we had that month. So things were slightly muted between us. No nastiness just picture no sound.

On the morning of the wedding I had my hair done, new dress and felt a million dollars. Offered to iron shirt for DH but he declined. Some small talk exchanged throughout getting ready.

My DH let the dog out and quite difficult to catch as he runs away. Kids love dog so he had to be got. It was lashing rain and DH said "go get that stupid dog he got out" I replied I would get destroyed if I go out and he said he didn't give a shit about that. Long story short he left me at the house even though I was ready. I missed the wedding ceremony and only just made the meal as I had to catch dog and redo my make up as it got ruined in the rain.

Checked in to hotel, went down for dinner, after dinner DH got up to go to the bar as I thought. After a long-time of looking I eventually txtd him. He had gone and left me at his family wedding without telling me. I felt completely deflated and sad.

Am I overreacting or is this disrespectful to me as his wife and also the mother of his children.
I want to leave. Plz help

So he gives you the silent treatment and on this one particular day he did something very insidious that undermined you and humiliated you. If this is honestly a one-off then that's better. Usually with behaviour like this there is a pattern of doing it over a long period of time. It's so undermining to the individual that they don't notice it and they consider themselves to blame.

My dad is a very nasty person and often sulks. But what you have described is a lot worse as your H deliberately did something to knock you down. I mention my dad because I know the impact it has had on my mum's confidence over years and years and years of being belittled. She's very apologetic and think she's to blame for pretty much everything.

I don't know is mentioning the situation is useful for you but you seem to be pretty adamant that your DH is actually a good person in all other respects. But what you have described does not sound like a good person. Trying to be favourable to him I would hazard that he is under a lot of stress with work and maybe took it out on you.

I think you need to sit him down and at least talk about the wedding and say that you appreciate that he doesn't think that he did anything wrong but you need him to hear why you feel mistreated so it doesn't happen again. Because if this kind of behaviour reoccurs it would be very unwise to stay in the relationship long-term.

Think of it as relationship maintenanc. you want to continue on in your marriage so sometimes if problems like this come up you need to deal with them even if it is unpleasant trying to get through it.

Not talking to you and abandoning you in company is contemptuous. It would be very worrying if your partner always had so little respect for you. He should be supportive and have your back.

He's gaslighting you Polly. His response is so pathetic, so blind to basic logic, there's almost no reasoning with it. How do you think he would see it if you had left without him or left the wedding without telling him? That's a rhetorical question because the answer is so bloody obvious.

I still find it very hard to believe this is a one-off because it's such an extreme response to such a minor issue. It's also straight out of the controlling abuser's playbook. If he really is fine 99% of the time then my guess is it's likely because he's got you so securely in the box he wants you in that he very rarely has to sanction you to keep you under his control. I can't be sure of the exact circumstances of your relationship because you haven't given much detail (and that's absolutely your right) but something sure as hell is very wrong.

It sounds as if he deliberately did this.

You can't come back from this kind of contempt he has shown you. I'm sorry OP but your marriage is done for. He is a spiteful, selfish bastard and it sounds like he despises you and wants to let you know in the cruelest ways possible.

None of this is your fault. You deserve so much more. There can be no good reason for him to treat you so badly. Tell everyone and get opinions because I'd be stunned if anyone agrees that he's done nothing wrong. Burn his goddamn bridges for him. And then please leave him and show him (and more importantly your children) that NOBODY gets to disrespect you this badly and get away with it. This is absolutely a dealbreaker moment. He sounds breathtakingly nasty and I hope you get away from him - there's a happier future for you out there.

I agree that there's probably no way back from this level of contempt. By refusing to accept he's out of order he's essentially telling you in person he doesn't give a shit about you. He's a cruel man, and the planning he went to to ruin you having a nice day is worrying. If it was deliberate, I would bet he scores fairly highly for sociopathic tendencies. The fact he has zero empathy for how that situation made you feel is all you need to know.

I know how you feel because my ex husband did this to me five times over the years!!! He tried to ruin every social event for me, by doing something like leaving me or belittling me in front of people, making it difficult for me to talk to friends/family . We are now separated and heading for divorce. Goodluck you deserve better than this x

"if you ever treat me like that again the relationship is over"

And he should shove his childish silences up his arse. Spiteful and vindictive.

I’m so sorry. I would revaluating my future with him I think. Terrible for you. Why would he behave that way to you? Are you able to communicate your feelings?

I'd be asking him to leave. Permanently.

I would put good money on there being another woman somewhere. It might not be a fully fledged affair yet, but he is giving himself excuses to start one.
A lovely person wouldn’t be able to behave that way.

The incident with the dog is so coolly calculated to hurt and humiliate you and screams of payback and putting you in your place. This type of behaviour is sociopathic.

Wow, that's not inconsiderate, that's damn right cruel, he purposely did that to hurt you as much as he could, how contemptuous is he; like he hates you.

And then says he did nothing wrong, also, if he works all the time you are not really spend much time with him and when you do he treats you like this, I am not sure I could come back from that, I'd have to detach completely from him in the meantime and re evaluate a future with someone so nasty and spiteful.

@bowdownbeforelokitty is spot on

I would leave this Prick in a heartbeat

and thank you for your service in the Emergency Services OP

Op your opening post is haunting - check out the Passive aggressive husband.
I expect you'll begin to recognise lots of underhand, spiteful stuff he's done in the past to hurt you.

So the latest is he "doesn't feel he done anything wrong" it's my fault he left because I fought with him on the Sunday. Basically it's all my fault he's done no wrong and he's not accepting any fault for it.

So he thinks this behaviour (which as others have said is deeply deeply contemptuous) is ok. Meaning he will do it again. Is this what you want for yourself? Every time there is an argument you wonder how he will publically humilitate you as punishment. (obviously this is designed to make sure you never argue with him but it might take a while for you to learn that lesson - since this one worked so well, he will definitely use it again)

I think I would make sure I had all the information I needed financially and then would say to him "I deserve far better than someone who behaves like that and who thinks it is ok. how should we manage our separation?"

He needs to shape up. That behaviour is utterly unacceptable