Why do I let her get to me?!

[Noteverythingisabingthing]

I have a problem with my partner's ex. They have a child together (6) and we have a 2 year old. I would love for her to be friendly and approachable but she is the opposite. We have different parenting styles. She favours indoor activities, reading, lego, films etc where as we like to take ss on dog walks, playing out, to the park etc. All of this would be fine, he enjoys all these activites.
The problem is, everytime he goes home we get messages complaining about everything we have done. For example- we shouldn't have let him play in the garden as he has had a cold all week (for ref- he is always wrapped up warm and was fine to play out. Plus it was September-not middle of winter). Or 'there were horses galloping past on our last walk and we shouldn't take him somewhere dangerous' (it was a bridlepath- 2 horses walked past, while we stepped aside, absolutely no danger).

Anyway, she has started to do it regarding mine and my partners son we have together! In a faux concern way (in my opinion, a way of offering criticism). For example 'Is John ok after his accident? Ss says he was climbing a tree and fell off. You are lucky it wasn't more serious' (Again, for reference he wasn't climbing a bloody great oak- it was a small fallen tree on the floor that he climbed on as we were passing on our walk and slipped off- no injury, no tears- we didn't even know what she was talking about at first).

Anyway, my whole rambling post is how can I stop this bothering me? I hate feeling like we are being reported on by ss then know we will get messages about something innocent. My partner laughs it off. But it bothers me and I can't figure out why! I suppose I feel like she is insinuating we are crap parents all the time and it annoys me. I wish I could just not let it upset me but it does seem to.

We don't argue or anything, partner always is polite and replies explaining the latest concern but it annoys me how she is starting to say stuff about my child now. It is none of her business! I need tips on how not to let her annoy me!

Sounds annoying!! Does she have a partner? Do you think it's a reason (her only reason) to still be able to contact your partner? It's best not to rock the boat for sake of kids, hopefully she'll grow out of it eventually! Try and laugh at it to like your partner

She has remarried. I think she used to be very critical of partner when they were together (not an intentional dripfeed but she could be violent if he didn't do things the way she saw fit and all her family would get involved and be awful to him). And now, she continues to criticise him over everything. She is very controlling over ss. To be fair, I could be here all day!

My issue is why can't I not let her get to me. In normal circumstances, someone toxic you would not have in your life but I feel miserable at the thought of this till Ss is grown up (and beyond!). I need to disenegage and let her comments wash over me!

It is quite difficult to disengage from people who are so good at getting under your skin. I have one and have to say loudly in my head “I don’t care what you think” and I still feel irritated.

I know I need to try. Otherwise I rant away at partner about her and it is stupid as she doesn't know or care and we end up bickering.
I just would love to say what I think to her then never see her again! But obv I have to keep my mouth shut.

Well if she was abusive when they were married she's not likely to have changed.

You could try thinking. Not my circus not my monkeys. This is her issue not yours. Or ask your DP not to tell you.
I might be concerned that she is setting up a record of your 'Bad parenting' to continue her abuse in family court.

Does she have main custody?

I think your dp should just ignore her messages. That way, whatever kick she's getting out of it would be removed.

If he won't do that then just a dismissive reply 'haha what tree, it was a log on the floor, of course he's fine.'

Ultimately though you just have to not care what other people think if you're confident about your choices.

Can you make sure you don't see these stupid messages? Does she message your DH or you? If you, you need to change that for a start.

Then make sure your dh just doesnt' tell you about this nonsense. If he isn't bothered by it then he can deal with it.

She sounds too far gone to respond positively to a "chat" so I would think this is the best tactic.

Because really, why do you even need to know about this shit?

I think you need to adopt a non-engaging line and repeat it. "Everything is fine, thank you" as an answer to every message like this.

She probably knows this is annoying you and is getting some sort of kick out of interfering and stirring shit up between you and DP.
Ignore it as much as you can and think what a sad life she has if she's more interested in yours than getting on with her own!!

When the stupid tree log msg happened I saw partner typing out a lengthy reply saying 'oh no, that's not what happened, yes I suppose he shouldn't have climbed over it as it was a bit slippy but he really wasn't hurt blah blah'... I was like wtf?! Why are you explaining anything to her, it is not even her child! I said just reply short 2 word answers so he did but honestly, it is like he is scared of her.
No I probably shouldn't be aware of the msgs but as I say partner will grovel and it drives me insane so I have to make sure he doesn't give her any ammunition. Which is ridiculous I know.

She has already asked us what exactly we are getting ss for Christmas and berated us for not even knowing yet as she has bought and wrapped all his stuff already and why are we leaving it to the last minute. It will be our own fault if what he wants has sold out etc. Everything is a dig about how much better at parenting she is. Even though in my opinion, the way she parents is controlling and wrapping kids up in cotton wool isn't great for them!
She has been in school 3 times since they went back, the latest complaint being another boy is too silly and ss finds him distracting so could they move him to the other class. (Not ss, the other boy!) I imagine (and hope) they don't bow to her ridiculous demands.

You both need to ignore non essential messages. Every time there is a reply it's signalling to her that she has the right to criticise.

Get your DP to google grey rock.

She has far too much space in your family life that is why it's bothering you. There hasn't been a "moving on" and detaching.

Tell your dh you don’t want any information about what your child does passed on to her. It’s none of her damn business. Your dh needs to stop justifying what happens with your own child. Simple text back saying ‘that’s not what happened’ and no further info.

Well first up SS isn’t spying. He is recounting the day and he only does that because he enjoys himself. Just picture an excited little boy regaling the joyous day out with his SBro. Then picture her face screwing up in jealousy and bitterness. The fingers twitching to type out some bile to get back at you for giving him happiness. That’s her. A bitter women who can’t enjoy her own sons happiness.

Now in reality you shouldn’t be engaging with her over anything but the basics. She wants a fight because that is her taught behaviour and she wants to goad an angry response. Because that makes her feel good. She’s that fucked up. Let he new husband suck that shit up.

So if you must reply, just get your husband to say. “SS had a great day, sorry he must be boring you with his tales again but you know how excited he gets being here. How is your husband?”

Repeat rehash repeat. Keep in mind her comments are driven from not being a happy woman.

Imagine how irrating the school dons her. I thibk you really need to look at it as if she were an irrating work colleague. Someone you have to put up with but just role your eyes and move on.

However, a big frustration seems to be how your other half deals with her. But you need to remind yourself he was abused by her. You need to help him heal and have strength with her and not get angry at his reaction.

Just have a standard line.. if it’s about your dc ‘thank you for your concern’

If it’s your ss ‘thanks, we’ll make a note of that’

If she only gets those two lines she’ll soon get bored. I’m sure she’s only doing it because she likes the reaction she’s getting, especially if your dh is typing war and peace or trying to justify the behaviour. Prob makes her feel more in control

Also try not to think ss is reporting back, he’s prob just excited to tell her what he been up to

She probably nags the poor kid for every bit of ammunition she can find !
She sounds bonkers tbh but it would drive me mad.
Hopefully as the lad gets older he will realise what she is like and just give her minimal info .

Yeah, as others have said, this sounds like classic "I love stirring shit because it gets reactions".

Don't react. She'll do it less.

I know you said you bicker when you and DP talk about this, but maybe phrase it in a different way - not "Your ex is such a bitch" but rather "I'm feeling really angry and upset about these comments, I don't need them in my life. Would you help me out by working with me on this plan to stop it from happening...?" and then introduce the single-line-response solution and the reason why you think it will work.

He should react better to "I'm upset and I need your manly help" (eyeroll, men are simple sometimes and I say that as a man) than "Oh my god, how did you ever date such a bitch" which he can easily take as criticism of his judgement, and damages his ego.

I had to work on my last ex to get him to stop engaging with his ex at this kind of level. We'd get messages back via DSS saying things like she had told him to tell us not to give him pizza any more (it was practically the only thing he would eat) and ex would start texting her about it.
I told him to just ignore it.

It all got a lot less when there was no reaction. And as DSS got older I was able to say things like 'well, different houses have different ways of doing things, neither is wrong'. And when he was a teen 'I think you're old enough to understand that passing on messages from your mother to me about my home is hurtful so maybe you could not do it?'. (That was after she came into our house when we were on holiday and DSS was feeding the cat and told him our kitchen was disgusting and made her want to throw up and DSS also told me that she had told all her friends this. Odd woman.)

Send the laughing emoji to all messages. She might get the message that she's not able to control your parenting.
"Hi [name], Oh no he only slipped over a tiny stump it didn't even register with him 😂 Thanks for the concern though x"

Remember overprotective doesn't mean a better parent whatever anyone makes you think. Sounds like your DD is having a wonderful childhood with you.

She sounds like a horrible, toxic, control freak.

I think ignoring any messages that aren’t related to SS is key here. And when she messages about SS - unless there’s a question in the text, ignore that too.

She’s absolutely trying to get to you, she sees this as a game and by you letting her get to you, she’s winning. Ignoring her will annoy her more than anything but she will eventually give up.

Good luck!

I like the suggestion of a single emoji response. 😆 would push her over the edge!

I’ve always liked the idea of playing bingo or predicting the future.

Firstly this prepares you for what might be ahead, secondly it gets you pulling together and communicating about it, lastly it down grades her actions and reframed them as being predictable and laughable...again something that draws you both together.

Personally I’d either not respond or go with ‘ok’ but not engage. The less you say the less she can nitpick at and the less importance you place on her in your relationship with each other and the DSS dynamic which takes her power over you away

How do you know what she says? Is she saying it directly to you in person? Or is it by text? If by text then she has no need to text you, only your partner and he has no need to pass on what she says when it's nothing but a dig!

Would blocking her and asking partner not to pass on the digs be an option?

If in person then can you withdraw from contact with her and perhaps partner have a word with her to wind her neck in re comments re your son with your partner? Because frankly how he is raised is none of her damn business!

Of course as she was abusive it's just as possible he's as conditioned as an abused wife would be, it can take time and therapy to untangle that. Has he had any help regarding this? She does sound very controlling.

www.mankind.org.uk

REMEMBER people that makes digs like this are actually insecure about the very thing they make the digs about!

This type of behaviour is one of the reasons I'm nc with my sister. As soon as she became a mother herself she started making digs about how I was raising dd. She now has more DC than me, and she knows I'd have liked more DC but couldn't, but started trying to Lord it over me as if she were a better mother simply due to having more DC! I got very upset one time and in a rare moment of support mum told me that sis actually felt she would never be a "good enough" mum and envied that I seemed to find parenting easy (I don't necessarily but that was her belief). While I do only have one DC I've over 30 years experience of caring for babies and children and experience does bring confidence I suppose, (though I have had difficulties with the teen years as not much experience of those! People tend not to have childminders/babysitters for teens and an hour or 2 a week as a guide/scout leader not quite the same though gave me a little insight).

Wee question for you - why does she need to know what you're getting him for Christmas if she's already bought and wrapped hers? I rather suspect she hasn't and she's trying to either one-up or duplicate what you get him! You COULD turn it back on her and go "great! That'll save us duplicating, tell us what you've got him and we'll make sure to get different or something that compliments"

My dd has a birthday soon after Xmas and I'm well used to co-ordinating inc with ex when he was still getting her gifts in order to avoid duplicating or to make sure gifts went together.

"There hasn't been a "moving on" and detaching." Completely agree.

This is also a useful site and I think this page a good starting point:

outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain

Simply put, she's a bully! And the best way to deal with bullies is to assertively be non-reactive!

We don't argue or anything, partner always is polite and replies explaining the latest concern

with regards your own child... this needs to STOP...