Why do I let her get to me?!

[Noteverythingisabingthing]

I have a problem with my partner's ex. They have a child together (6) and we have a 2 year old. I would love for her to be friendly and approachable but she is the opposite. We have different parenting styles. She favours indoor activities, reading, lego, films etc where as we like to take ss on dog walks, playing out, to the park etc. All of this would be fine, he enjoys all these activites.
The problem is, everytime he goes home we get messages complaining about everything we have done. For example- we shouldn't have let him play in the garden as he has had a cold all week (for ref- he is always wrapped up warm and was fine to play out. Plus it was September-not middle of winter). Or 'there were horses galloping past on our last walk and we shouldn't take him somewhere dangerous' (it was a bridlepath- 2 horses walked past, while we stepped aside, absolutely no danger).

Anyway, she has started to do it regarding mine and my partners son we have together! In a faux concern way (in my opinion, a way of offering criticism). For example 'Is John ok after his accident? Ss says he was climbing a tree and fell off. You are lucky it wasn't more serious' (Again, for reference he wasn't climbing a bloody great oak- it was a small fallen tree on the floor that he climbed on as we were passing on our walk and slipped off- no injury, no tears- we didn't even know what she was talking about at first).

Anyway, my whole rambling post is how can I stop this bothering me? I hate feeling like we are being reported on by ss then know we will get messages about something innocent. My partner laughs it off. But it bothers me and I can't figure out why! I suppose I feel like she is insinuating we are crap parents all the time and it annoys me. I wish I could just not let it upset me but it does seem to.

We don't argue or anything, partner always is polite and replies explaining the latest concern but it annoys me how she is starting to say stuff about my child now. It is none of her business! I need tips on how not to let her annoy me!

It's no wonder he is scared if her. She was abusive and violent to him. She is still abusive. And if she was abusive to him she is probably abusive. Contrary to what I said before I think it is good for you to support him to stand up to her.

Has he considered being RP?

Oh this is such a hard one to get away from! Especially if your DP is replying and therefore giving her access to your life through him.

I have had this and it is one if the reasons my relationship is destroyed. It’s powerful stuff! You can’t ignore it, it’s like a DP having an affair, an ex is continually getting in the circle that should be just you and him.

My DPs Ex phones him at midnight if she wants. No boundaries. Treats him like a husband.

I don’t know if ‘not knowing’ works either. My DP went ‘underground’ and said there was no contact anymore, when there was loads and I got thinking I was going crazy! The phone would still buzz, DP would get stressed, take stuff out on me, say things like ‘I have got more than one kid you know!’ And go off for the afternoon without me (around Exes house for chats but said he was shopping)..

Which felt much worse than being open. And then if you’re not careful, you can be labelled the problem!

I think that the only way is for your DP and you to face this together. To share it, to find ways to tackle it, even laugh it off, go to counseling and lessen it over time.

I'd try not to be involved in the line of discussion, that's far too much back and forth for me with someone in that position. Aim for it to get to a point where any communication with you really is the bare essentials.

What does your partner think?

Thanks everyone for the replies, honestly such great advice and given me lots to think about.
Partner is so used to her that he just says 'well you know what she's like', he doesn't stand up to her. But as a pp said, she was abusive to him so I think he is so used to being bossed round.
There is no way he would have councelling, he only opened up to me about her being violent after a few drinks once, don't think he likes to think about it.
Pp said that different homes have different rules, that is a good way of explaining it to ss as at the moment I think he feels like we are 'being naughty' (as he says)all the time by doing things differently to his mum.

This is just my opinion but I would just ask parter to not tell you what she says. It doesn't really matter what he says to her. Her opinion is irrelevant to you , what she thinks does not matter , her opinion isn't going to change anything in your lives, Every single person has opinions / different ideas about things. Obviously you don't usually hear what they think and in this case you are but try to put it into perspective she is obviously a unhappy person who wants to control everything you and you partner are happy with your family life and that's all that happens. So what if she doesn't agree with your parenting you don't agree with hers either and as long as you and your partner are happy no one else opinion matters

oh and the things you are doing are perfectly normal things that I think most people do so it's totally her issues. I thought you where going to say you where taking him canooeing, mountain climbing ECT ( stuff that people may be nervous about ) I would just try and see how ridiculous it is that she's complaining bout you going on a walk