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Original poster

Weird/good (!!) first date - chalk it up to experience?

68 replies

RubyN · 06/10/2018 00:45

I'm feeling sad after a first date although I was feeling so good about it hours ago!!

I asked a shy guy out and he accepted. He's contacted me every day over the past week and the date went very well for the most part. We went to a show (and both of us were crazy nervous) and we were going to to the bar for one extra drink after. That turned into 3 extra drinks, with each of us focused on the other 100%, the crowd seemed to melt away. But bloody hell!! He tells me he is probably due to move to Germany with his job in 3 months, but that he always quite likes the idea of living in my original country eventually. And, he asks, what do I think of life in Germany...Smile

Well he walked me home at the end of the date and also insisted on paying for all drinks. I looped my arm through his to get closer & we had a long hug goodbye, but he didn't try to kiss me at all. We had a VERY long drawn out goodbye but eventually he left for the train, as did I. He has just contacted to ask if I got home ok....should I go out with him again? Forget it. Damn, I feel we like each other a lot but the timing is crazy!

OP posts:
Tryingtogetitright · 09/10/2018 19:04

Hope all goes well! For what it's worth, my DH didn't kiss me on the first date - he said later he really wanted to but he was just being a gentleman. Date three he was trying to get in my pants! (Three date rule apparently). So don't write him off based on the -lack of- kiss. Have fun tonight!

rememberatime · 09/10/2018 23:48

I had my first date with my partner just 3 days before he went home to Australia. Nearly 2 years later we are still together. Its casual in terms of our together time. But we are constant touch and we are incredibly close. We learnt more about each other while apart than when we manage to see each other. It's really special.

Original poster
RubyN · 09/10/2018 23:51

Just back from the date!!

It was so lovely and romantic Flowers I just felt so comfortable and happy in his presence all night. Once again, I intended to leave earlier but we were glued to each other. Its only now that I've realised just how much he likes me. We were getting closer and eyeing each other all night, so I definitely think the kiss was coming - until we got talking to some people in the venue who decided to accompany us to the train station when we left! I think we were both like...damn!!

So I've provisionally asked him on a daytime date in a few days. I actually really want to ask him to come home with me after for a little 'Netflix and chill' after (as he was talking about wanting to see some movies I have...). Would it be too much too soon? It all feels uber lovely and romantic and developing at a nice pace...but I'm aware of borrowed time.

That said, I know he's going to be leaving in a few months and feel ok about it. Maybe I'll be sad when it happens but for now I feel like this is really helping me complete the healing journey after my last relationship.

OP posts:
SpoonBlender · 10/10/2018 00:23

That's great! Now, two things as a followup exercise:

  1. Don't get all anxious and overthinky about it again
  2. Jump his bones.
Original poster
RubyN · 10/10/2018 00:33

So you don't think third date would be too soon to jump his bones? Grin

OP posts:
Sethis · 10/10/2018 00:45

The correct time to jump someone is highly subjective, I put no stock in arbitrary days or dates.

However you seem to be fanning each others flames quite well so jump his bones whenever you both feel like it!

SpoonBlender · 10/10/2018 01:04

Yup, seems like it's time!

BottleBeach · 10/10/2018 01:34

I mean, not snogging after that date scenario is just weird, don’t care how shy you are

I can imagine myself saying something similar, until I got together with my current boyfriend. It took him 6 fricking weeks to kiss me. I was going out of my mind. But actually, it was also really great to spend that time properly getting to know each other alongside that sense of anticipation. When we finally kissed it was so beautiful and we both went around grinning like teenagers for about a week. We’ve been together 9 months now, and I’m pretty confident he’s into me!

Saying that OP, he’s up for having his bones jumped on the 3rd date then bloody go for it!

1forAll74 · 10/10/2018 01:51

Oh,stop dithering now, and go on another date. If there were some good vibes between you, that's lovely. Sometimes,shyness in a person is a nice attribute. But at the end of the day,only you can decide what to do.

ferrier · 10/10/2018 12:39

So you've got the provisional daytime date sorted. Why don't you next time you are talking about it causally suggest he comes back to yours afterwards? If he dithers or says no he probably just needs a bit more time and you haven't hideously overstepped the mark.

Original poster
RubyN · 10/10/2018 20:38

Hmm...I am feeling very confused! He said he would get back to me about the daytime date (it's a specific event I'm attending) as he's not sure he can make it after all...but that he will let know asap. Then he asked how my day was doing as I've got some stressful stuff going on at work.

I find the lack of enthusiasm about the next meet up a bit of a turn off to be honest. I'm pretty sure guys clear up their schedule pretty fast for women they like and he just said last night he didn't have plans yet.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 10/10/2018 21:12

Yes that is deflating. It’s sounds like his emotions are well and truly under control and he’s holding back, whereas you are obviously in a place where you want to fall ridiculously deep in love and have a partner, and are wondering if he’s the one. You’re the one who’s risking getting hurt I think.

He may well be purely thinking of this as a nice way to pass the time until he leaves, whereas I imagine, if you’re honest, you’re thinking that maybe he’s the man for you and hoping plans might change...

And of course sometimes plans do change. Just give your hope a check. See what he does next.

Sethis · 10/10/2018 21:22

I'm pretty sure guys clear up their schedule pretty fast for women they like and he just said last night he didn't have plans yet.

Er, depends on what the rest of the calendar is about? I don't skip work meetings to go on a date with someone, and where possible it's generally first come, first served when it comes to invitations to events.

I'm sure we've all been in the situation where we've breezily said "Yeah, I can come, no problem" then actually looked at our schedule an hour later and gone "...... fuck." Maybe he just doesn't want to be inconsiderate by agreeing to something he has to back out of - either to you or anyone else.

As I said before, don't even try to read into things. If you have a question about what he said, ask him directly what he meant. If you're feeling mixed signals, then explain to him what he's done in order for you to have received that impression.

As someone who, at the start of his current relationship, was repeatedly chastened for over-thinking by his GF; you gotta stop it. It helps nobody and just makes you feel like crap. If you have an issue, raise the issue. If you don't want to raise the issue, then trust that the other person is a decent human being, trying to make the right decisions, but who can also make the odd mistake in phrasing etc etc. Getting into mental tailspins used to drive me close to tears for absolutely no reason at all, til I stopped doing it quite so much.

Take it easy! Smile

Original poster
RubyN · 10/10/2018 21:40

It doesnt <strong>seem</strong> like his emotions are actually under control when were together. By that I just mean he looks for ways to extend the evening and never leaves my side for hours on end, it seems to only be when were apart and he has the thinking space. He probably is reluctant to get involved if he knows hes moving.

I am not necessarily looking for that tbh. I am open to seeing where it goes, but I just got out of a serious relationship 6 months ago. Dating this guy (and other things Ive been doing) has been a fairly healing experience for me. When I think about getting into something really serious right now I am unsure - but I would like to just enjoy the time I have with him. We havent actually talked about this as its early days.

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 10/10/2018 21:48

What did you ask him to? Is it something he'd find overwhelming? It may have sounded ok when you mentioned it, but been a bit too much when he thought about it.. I went out with a guy twice who asked me to go to a wedding with him the following week. I found it way too much too soon.

And yes I agree with the other poster, it's quite possible he'd forgotten about another engagement and is trying to rearrange it.

Original poster
RubyN · 10/10/2018 21:48

But yeah AtrociousCircumstance - agree, I need to be careful with myself as its been a rocky 1st half of the year. I feel I'm doing much better/much happier and I wouldn't want to undo all of that.

I've returned to yoga to try and calm my thoughts a bit more.

OP posts:
Original poster
RubyN · 10/10/2018 21:52

Honeyroar - I asked him to come on a walk/easy hike with me. You have to travel an hour to reach the place & I invited him because he mentioned wanting to accompany me on one of my nature walks sometime. That said, he didn't sound 100% sold on it at the time when I was describing it, he's more local to the area and maybe he's just not crazy about the place, I don't know.

OP posts:
GloomyMonday · 13/10/2018 05:38

My take on this is that he fancies you and would be falling over himself to come to yours for 'Netflix' but cba travelling for an hour to do a hike with limited opportunities to 'watch movies'.

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