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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband gets violent and throws things sees red

53 replies

Mommybearx · 05/10/2018 13:46

I would like to honestly how many people’s husbands or men act like this.

My husband recently when we have a row eg just now I was complaining he has way too many shoes and has taken over the shoe cupboard and so me and the kids can’t put our shoes in, and I’ve asked loads of times for him to check the ones he doesn’t wear anymore. He suddenly got a dinner plate as he was making a sandwich and mentally chucked it on the floor- it shattered into pieces. I shouted what the hell you have a baby who crawls and you this is acceptable he then got the nearest thing to him a pack of baby wipes and chucked them at me and walked out.

Last week he came back in a bad mood and started shouting because I hadn’t finished cleaning the house yet, I was so frustrated he always does this thing where he comes in completely ruins my mood starts on me and doesn’t care it’s completely effected me as I find it hard to snap out of being upset, so I pushed him and said stop treating me like this, I got a punch in the back.

The week before that
I was asleep, he came in put light on, I started as I was annoyed he’s inconsiderate and he showed he didn’t basically give a care turned around to sleep, once again I was annoyed that now I won’t be able to fall asleep because I find this behaviour hurtful and it plays on my mind so I tried to move his head to face me so I can’t vent and he went mad, got up chucked a glass at me which thankfully missed, picked up a fan and pulled it out the socket which broke chucked it at me, tried to chuck laptop at me, went into my closet and broke my straighteners and my makeup compartment, my makeup was everywhere on floor and on my clothes, something hit me I don’t know what it was in all of this probably his phone - he walked out of the house it’s like midnight and came back half hr later and slept downstairs.

I feel we just can’t get on for long right now.
I get pushy too and moany, I push his buttons but his reactions are deadly one day I could get seriously hurt. Othertimes he’s completely fine. This crazy behaviour has started within the last 2 months.

I would like to know how common it is, do couples out there with a toddler and baby actually get along or are they all going through something maybe not as bad but a aggitated patch which gets better? I’m very sleep deprived and just exhausted so I am quite moany.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mommybearx · 05/10/2018 13:48

Sorry few words are wrong there due to autocorrect !!

OP posts:
lmj25 · 05/10/2018 13:50

You're right one day you could get seriously hurt. He sounds like a child. Run for the hills

Overgrownyard · 05/10/2018 13:53

Of course it's normal to find parenting and exhaustion effecting your relationship.
What you are describing IS NOT NORMAL.

Throwing things, being violent and volatile is not acceptable. He needs to leave.

Original poster
Mommybearx · 05/10/2018 13:54

People are going to say leave but I haven’t worked for ages as had two kids back to back, I also probably would feel how most people would like poor children because we can’t work it out, having to explain to ppl everyone you know if you’re on a break etc, I don’t even have my own money coming through. If I worked who would look after my kids, because he wouldn’t but yet I did so now I have no real career at the moment and nor could I with the nursery run times.

OP posts:
CountessVonBoobs · 05/10/2018 13:54

Are you kidding? No. No this is not normal. Your husband is abusive and violent and he could hurt you badly soon.

Incidentally I have a toddler and a baby and both DH and I are sleep deprived. We can get irritable with each other (and the kids) but neither of us has ever, or would ever, thrown something or hit each other.

DieAntword · 05/10/2018 13:54

Plenty of people here act like an anger problem is impossible in a man, that all angry men are either completely in control of their anger (and thus using it to manipulate) or dangerously out of control. I know that’s not true.

My husband has a temper but he never takes it out on me (we have an agreement from early in our relationship that when either of us is very upset with the other we leave each other alone until the next day because both of us find the best deescalation is a good nights sleep). He’s broken his own stuff and felt like a total tool about it but he’d never break my stuff. He’s hit himself in front of me which I think is pretty manipulative but he’s working on it. He admits he has to change and makes proactive efforts and the time between his outbursts gets longer and longer most of the time.

Your husband on the other hand is directing his angry outbursts AT you and seems to feel justified in it. It’s not the anger that is the problem. It’s not even losing his temper sometimes. But justifying it, feeling entitled to it and thinking he has a right to control you (cleaning etc) with it - that’s the real problem.

Aprilislonggone · 05/10/2018 13:57

Sounds like my exh.
Once threatened to put ds through a wall for being - well a toddler.
Smashed up anything breakable in our flat.
Even the dc's toys.
Denied it of course, even when I was right there.
I moves out when ds was 4. Still has anger issues as an adult after witnessing such stuff.
Time to get gone op.

ladybee28 · 05/10/2018 13:57

No. You're in an abusive, dangerous relationship and your children are at risk.

Please call and speak to someone at Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247.

Even if you think it might be normal, even if you think 'it's not really that bad', just call and speak to them anyway.

Original poster
Mommybearx · 05/10/2018 13:59

Thanks for your suggestion.
Do they note it down on a record, I’d hate for my kids to be seen differently or any time they fall it’s suspected it’s something else.

When my first baby was a few months old we had a big row, and I called the police to get him to leave that night.
But as usual it’s always me in the end as the bad one and he’s the victim who had to leave.

OP posts:
wafflyversatile · 05/10/2018 14:00

You say this started about 2 months ago? What was he like before then? How long have you been together?

Original poster
Mommybearx · 05/10/2018 14:00

Then the health visitor randomly came a week later and I feel that was because of the call

OP posts:
wafflyversatile · 05/10/2018 14:00

also have there been any major changes recently?

ohdeardeardear · 05/10/2018 14:01

Get in touch with Women's Aid. Seriously, do it for you and your kids.

ElspethFlashman · 05/10/2018 14:02

So rather than even think about other options you're going to insist your kids grow up with this violence all around them?

ScabbyHorse · 05/10/2018 14:04

I had to chuck my ex out of the flat for similar reasons, although it suddenly escalated one night and he punched me really hard. I have survived on benefits and now get working tax credits and some housing benefit. It was hard but definitely worth it to not feel in danger in my home.
Can you get mediation or similar and see if he is interested in improving his behaviour? Otherwise it may be easier on your own.
Good luck.

Original poster
Mommybearx · 05/10/2018 14:09

ElspethFlashman

So rather than even think about other options you're going to insist your kids grow up with this violence all around them?
—-

No I wouldn’t post this if I wasn’t ready to listen to other options, I’m allowed to be nervous and worried on what to do.
Ideally he would get help to change.

But it also opens my eyes to see what other people think as it’s not something I discuss with people I know.

OP posts:
BasicUsername · 05/10/2018 14:10

Oh wow, OP, that is really shocking behaviour.

My husband has never thrown anything in temper, nor have anyone in any of my previous relationships. It's just not normal.

I'd be very worried that he will soon escalate to physical violence against you or your children.

I'd ask him to leave.

Topseyt · 05/10/2018 14:11

Not normal behaviour at all. Shitty in fact, and dangerous for you and the children.

You need out of this relationship before he seriously injures any of you. You need to protect the children here. He is a danger to them and is setting them an appalling example of how to treat a partner.

In this house it is a standing joke how many shoes and boots DH has (two boot cupboards full). He has never thrown plates or anything else around when it gets mentioned though, and he would be out of the door if he did. Last time he moved one of the cupboards (overflowing with his shoes) into the garage and left the other for the DDs and I. That is normal, non-threatening behaviour.

Your husband is an abuser. You shouldn't have to live like that. Plan your exit. Carefully. Women's Aid might be your safest bet.

notapizzaeater · 05/10/2018 14:11

Normal blokes don't do this. You don't need him in your life.

TheHobbitMum · 05/10/2018 14:12

This is totally it normal, he's being abusive and will hurt you one day. Leave for yours and the kids sake, they shouldn't have to live and grow in this environment. Give womens aid a call they can and will help you Flowers

Original poster
Mommybearx · 05/10/2018 14:12

wafflyversatile

also have there been any major changes recently?

——

About 7 years but married for nearly 5, he probably became more tempered and selfish after we had a baby and also when he went self employed
He doesn’t switch off work he can’t but I just feel I’m always the one who gets the short straw of his moods whilst others get a cheerful him. I can tell he resents me he think you just sit at home and hardly go into work and moan, but I feel like am I the only one who gets that working is easier than literally no sleep every night for years. I literally have two kids who love being awake turn by turn.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 05/10/2018 14:13

I appreciate you are posting but there is no other solution. He has no incentive to change. It works for him. It shuts you up, it puts you back in your box, and sure as hell you won't be at him about his shoes ever again.

It's working for him. That's what he does it. It just works.

The only thing you have the power to do is protect your kids from growing up stuck in the house with him 365 days a year with no escape, except running as fast as they can the minute they hit 16.

ElspethFlashman · 05/10/2018 14:17

There was a very good thread on here a couple of weeks ago, asking how you feel towards your mother if you were raised in an abusive home.

Nobody thanked their mother for staying.

I can't find it but maybe someone else can?

KoshaMangsho · 05/10/2018 14:17

Erm no it’s not normal. We argue but there has never been hitting of anything or throwing. DH is a kind sensible man who wakes up early, makes breakfast and packed lunch, does the laundry and leaves for work. I do the school run, work part time, do the cooking and cleaning, and we both do bedtime. He’s completely hands on over the weekend. He wouldn’t dream of ever throwing anything at anyone let alone his family.

wafflyversatile · 05/10/2018 14:18

Ok, if he'd been lovely and normal up until 2 months ago then I'd wonder if he had a brain tumour or other trauma but sounds like he's just abusive and violent so you need to get rid.