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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband gets violent and throws things sees red

53 replies

Mommybearx · 05/10/2018 13:46

I would like to honestly how many people’s husbands or men act like this.

My husband recently when we have a row eg just now I was complaining he has way too many shoes and has taken over the shoe cupboard and so me and the kids can’t put our shoes in, and I’ve asked loads of times for him to check the ones he doesn’t wear anymore. He suddenly got a dinner plate as he was making a sandwich and mentally chucked it on the floor- it shattered into pieces. I shouted what the hell you have a baby who crawls and you this is acceptable he then got the nearest thing to him a pack of baby wipes and chucked them at me and walked out.

Last week he came back in a bad mood and started shouting because I hadn’t finished cleaning the house yet, I was so frustrated he always does this thing where he comes in completely ruins my mood starts on me and doesn’t care it’s completely effected me as I find it hard to snap out of being upset, so I pushed him and said stop treating me like this, I got a punch in the back.

The week before that
I was asleep, he came in put light on, I started as I was annoyed he’s inconsiderate and he showed he didn’t basically give a care turned around to sleep, once again I was annoyed that now I won’t be able to fall asleep because I find this behaviour hurtful and it plays on my mind so I tried to move his head to face me so I can’t vent and he went mad, got up chucked a glass at me which thankfully missed, picked up a fan and pulled it out the socket which broke chucked it at me, tried to chuck laptop at me, went into my closet and broke my straighteners and my makeup compartment, my makeup was everywhere on floor and on my clothes, something hit me I don’t know what it was in all of this probably his phone - he walked out of the house it’s like midnight and came back half hr later and slept downstairs.

I feel we just can’t get on for long right now.
I get pushy too and moany, I push his buttons but his reactions are deadly one day I could get seriously hurt. Othertimes he’s completely fine. This crazy behaviour has started within the last 2 months.

I would like to know how common it is, do couples out there with a toddler and baby actually get along or are they all going through something maybe not as bad but a aggitated patch which gets better? I’m very sleep deprived and just exhausted so I am quite moany.

OP posts:
YouAreMyRain · 05/10/2018 15:50

Breaking your stuff is domestic abuse. I know it's tough (divorcee single parent here) but your kids are being damaged by all this. Please leave

ladybee28 · 05/10/2018 16:54

OP, in answer to your question, no it doesn't get noted in a log.

You can talk to them completely anonymously, and they can give you ideas and guidance on how to keep yourself safe, and if you decide to leave, how to do it safely.

I used to work on the helpline, and I promise you there will be no judgement or expectation of you to do anything in particular – they're there to listen and to give you support.

You're not the first woman to go through this who feels they can't leave because they're financially tied or limited, and the staff on the helpline are trained to give you the best support whatever your situation.

Please just call, at a time when you know he won't be around. There's no obligation to do anything, and they can help, even if it's just to provide someone to talk to who really understands what you're going through.

MiggledyHiggins · 05/10/2018 17:21

Elsbeth this one ?

MiggledyHiggins · 05/10/2018 17:22

Just to let you know OP, the thread I linked to might be tough going for you to read, but you should. It's not to make you feel guilty, but hopefully to give you the strength and determination to do it for your kids if you don't feel you can do it for you.

Flowers
Adora10 · 05/10/2018 17:25

Oh god no so not normal, he’s actually going to end up really hurting you or those children, you have to get him gone he’s a violent unpredictable bully who should not be within an inch of those kids.

Shoxfordian · 05/10/2018 17:50

It's not normal at all

Please call the police next time he's violent to you and speak to womens aid anyway. There's no other option but to end the relationship.

ElspethFlashman · 05/10/2018 17:52

Yes thanks miggeldy I couldn't remember the title. Flowers

AngelsSins · 05/10/2018 18:49

I honestly think women are conditioned to minimise male violence and it’s really dangerous for us.

I might get flamed for this but....

We should be far more careful of the sort of men we let into our lives. Look at it this way, if you had a dog in the house that kept snapping at you, growling, maybe even biting, would you keep it? Would you have it around your kids? Would you feel safe? Well men kill far, far more women than dogs do. Men also attack far more women than dogs do. So if you wouldn’t take that risk on a dog, you certainly shouldn’t take it on a man.

Gersemi · 05/10/2018 18:54

Phone Woman's Aid and find out how to get support. He's assaulting you, which is a criminal offence.

Remember, if you leave you will be entitled to claim maintenance.

Pacificwander · 05/10/2018 19:00

You and your dc are being terrorized in your own home! This is no way to live
He is using objects to be physically abusive.
What happens in future if he takes his abuse out on the dc starts throwing objects at them?
No child deserves to live or grow up in a home fearing their father.

scotgal2017 · 05/10/2018 19:17

I had a 20 year relationship with an abusive and controlling man. Get out now before you have to pick up any more the pieces of you and your Dcs . IMO It gets harder to try and out you and your DCs back together the longer you arew with these "men".

anappleadaykeeps · 05/10/2018 19:49

Children and I left angry/scary Ex four years ago, and ended up spending 3 years in rented, unsuitable accommodation, while he remained unchallengeable in the very comfortable Family home, delaying the divorce for as long as he could.

He still gets very angry. Children now spend 2 nights per week with him, with no other adult there.

My life is definitely better for not living with him, but to be very honest, I am not at all sure I made things better for the children, despite trying to keep them safe being my main objective throughout.

It isn't always as easy as people on Mumsnet make out.

Original poster
Mommybearx · 05/10/2018 21:50

Anappleadaykeeps

Yes what you have been through is similar to what my mother in law had to do to get away from my father in law who was an abusive cheat, I think my husband has seen a lot as a child and needs therapy more than anything. But if he’s not willing to get it I will deffo think about separating as the idea of my children seeing these behaviours and think it’s okay or okay for their partners to do it when they get older is what scares me.

I will definitely also look into women’s aid for advice- thank you everyone

OP posts:
Smozzles · 06/10/2018 08:13

@Mommybearx

I just read the whole thread & I really feel for you. Your DH threw a fan at you. Your DH punched you in the back. And those are only the examples of physical abuse.

My DH has a very bad temper. He's verbally abusive but has never hit me or thrown anything at me. The verbal abuse is so distressing that I'm trying to prepare to leave based on that.

Things have already escalated for you. He has already crossed a line.

Regarding worrying about your children being seen differently, take all the support you can get. You haven't done anything wrong. He's the one with the problem. It would take him a long time in therapy to recover from this.

Disengage if you can & don't push him because the last thing you need is him thinking it's both of you being violent.

He's out of control,

Ring Wimens Aid & say everything that's happened. Please don't see leaving as impossible. Record all the abuse to date & please disengage.

Could you sleep in separate bedrooms? I found sleeping with my H too stressful so we often sleep separately.

I truly feel for you & even though I don't know you, I truly hope you know this has already escalated, he's crossed a line & your only option is separation. Get support because you need it. Flowers

Original poster
Mommybearx · 06/10/2018 14:13

Thanks for your kind message.

It’s just constant comments today, he threw the plate but he’s some how in a mood, it’s like he is always the victim.

It’s just such a shame u give your life to someone, u date and everything is good then suddenly they dont care that you’re always crying and that it’s not fair to live like this. He’s unreasonable. I told my mom and siblings today how he is. I feel stronger after posting that I need to start waking up.

OP posts:
Smozzles · 06/10/2018 18:24

Good ... I'm sure your mother & sister agree you need to leave. X

Smozzles · 06/10/2018 18:25

I mean, separate. X

wafflyversatile · 06/10/2018 23:13

Abuse often starts once the victim is 'trapped' by finance or marriage or having a child.

Olderbyaminute · 07/10/2018 01:25

I grew up in a home with dv and all of us children were negatively affected-akin to living in a war zone between two adults. Get.Out.Now

BengalLioness · 07/10/2018 02:03

Leave before things start to get more dangerous than they already are . These are serious warning signs.

It's difficult leaving but it always gets better. There's lots of help out there. Go to your GP if you can for advice and get as much support from your family as you can. It's easier said than done but I promise you it's the best thing you can do for your children.

Typical abusive behaviour is for them to play the victim. No one should be physically aggressive in any way when having a disagreement. That's not the way to sort anything out. Make a plan of action and leave.

Stillme1 · 07/10/2018 02:21

Your safety and the safety and well being of the children are the most important things of all. The least of your worries is how you are going to finance leaving and supporting yourself and the DC. There are benefits for this reason.

If all this started once you had No 1 DC it could be that he knows that you are trapped and having No 2 DC very soon after was even more of a trap. Or so he thinks.
Get on to Womens Aid and get all the advice and help that you need. I am sure there are quite a number of MNetters who have left in similar circumstances and we have survived (Yes I am one)

differentnameforthis · 07/10/2018 02:28

This happens in many ABUSIVE households, op. Your dh is violent and I am not at all surprised to hear he has hit you.

You need to make plans to leave before you get seriously hurt.

user1457017537 · 07/10/2018 02:39

Why do women try to fix men. Men like this don’t want fixing, they know what they are doing, they don’t want to change they have power and they like to see their partner walking on eggshells.

differentnameforthis · 07/10/2018 02:46

Children being around violence is now considered child abuse, and your children could be listed on the at risk register, and taken away if you fail to act. Don't think they don't know that something isn't right.

wafflyversatile It has been going on just after her first was born (she had to call police) so I doubt it's just the last 2 months. Unless her oldest is 2 months old and her youngest is a week old (which would be impossible of course)

We should be far more careful of the sort of men we let into our lives. @AngelsSins
Did you see where the op said this started after her first child was born? In other words, he wasn't like this when they first got together and the abuse (as always) creeps in in small increments at first, and you don't realise what is happening until it is too late. Please take your victim blaming elsewhere. In fact, no don't take it elsewhere. Stop it all together.

And are you seriously comparing a man who CAN control himself, with a dog who often can't? Wow.

SandyY2K · 07/10/2018 07:11

The longer you stay in these relationships...the harder it can be to get out.

Chances are the impact of witnessing abuse as a child has affected him. Could you try talking to your MIL..as she's been through it?

He's abusive...but you should also not start anything like turning his head round or pushing him as you mentioned.

You need an exit plan or your kids will end up like him.