DH treating me like a wayward child.

[YippeeKayakOtherBuckets]

DH and I have always been so solid, never arguing, always having each other’s backs. But over the past couple of years he’s become more and more paternalistic with me. I can understand how it started (I was v ill for a while so he had to step up) but he hasn’t loosened the reins at all and it’s making me crazy.

It’s everything from commenting negatively on what I eat, drink, how much I exercise, to giving me a (verbal) to-do list before he leaves the house. He goes out two evenings a week and without fail he will say to me ‘remember to do Ds’s reading, make sure Dd finishes the washing up, sew those badges on, print out that form’ etc etc. It all sounds benign and helpful but it makes me feel incapable.

I do EVERYTHING around the house (SAHM) which I don’t mind, but he’s started dropping in comments like ‘this bedroom could do with a tidy’ which actually makes me want to start tipping out drawers.

He gently mocks my eating habits and lack of exercise but it’s one of those drip drip things that is really starting to grate now. He is super fit and monitors everything he eats. I like carbs and fizzy drinks and don’t exercise, although I walk or cycle at least 6 miles a day, often more (school run and dogs).

He also monitors every last penny and doesn’t understand why we spend anything outside of food shopping and petrol. He took mouldy bread to work for sandwiches the other morning as I’d failed on the bread front, and when I suggested he took a fiver instead to buy a meal deal you’d have thought I’d suggested eating the dog. The implication being that I’m a terrible spendthrift. Mouldy bread for fuck’s actual sake.

It all came to a bit of a head last night as I had forgotten to do something for one of the kids for school and he told me off, in front of the kids. I lost it a bit and ended up in snotty tears. From his point of view he worries that if he doesn’t remind me, nothing will get done, and tbf I am disorganised and a shit housekeeper. And that he worries about my health so that’s why he comments. From my point of view I feel that he doesn’t trust me to run my own life or be an effective parent/adult.

I’m really sad and a bit scared as we’ve never not got on and I feel like since I’ve been ill he’s changed his view of me completely, like I’m completely incapable and need parenting.

How can we break out of this pattern?

Simply. Tell him sternly to shut the fuck up, and stop micro managing another adult. Speak up, and loudly, else he will keep doing it.

That sounds so upsetting for you.

Everyone forgets things sometimes. I bet he has forgotten stuff but you haven't sat around blaming him.

I would tell him each and every time he does it. He really does not get to control your every move.

Taking mouldy bread to work FFS! And on what planet is 6 miles walking a day not appropriate exercise? He sounds utterly nasty actually.

Ask him why he feels the need to tell you these things. Point out that you are an adult and are capable. He is not your father nor your boss but a partner and should speak to you accordingly.

When you say you are a shit housekeeper but you do everything what exactly does that mean?

can you solve the problem by getting a small job, earn some money so you are free to spend it how you like?

People treat us the way we allow them to treat us. Simple as that.

you didnt fail on the bread front op.
the bread failed.

Start calling him dad and tell him sex is off the menu as it would be far too weird....

I feel annoyed for you just reading that. Firstly tell him to stop every single time he starts. If that doesn’t work manage him back, remind him on everything he does daily from brushing his teeth to storing his coffee.

I'd keep a list of everything he says over the next few days or week. Then I'd show it to him and tell him to cop on and this has to stop.

He can't deny any if it when it's written down in front of him with specific examples.

There is the possibility he is genuinely unhappy in the relationship. I'd ask him that. I know it's a scary thought, but if he doesn't want to be in the relationship then tell him to go.

You should not be treated like this. It sounds so incredibly hurtful and demoralising.

You start by saying you've always been solid, never arguing and had each others' backs and end by saying you've never got on.

Oh, my apologies. I see I missed a word in the reading. Ignore my previous post. But clearly this can't go on.

This is coercive control and is no way to live. Read 'Why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft and see if it chimes with how he's acting.

He sounds controlling..quite simply.

He's acting like a controlling paternalistic twatbag
Ltb

He shouldn't speak to you like that at all.

However, if you say that you're not good at housekeeping then if he doesn't remind you of some things (not everything which he currently is!), they wouldn't get done. Could you have a calendar on your phone where you put things like form printing, then you have a reminder and he can see that it's on there and shuts up?

It's already been said about how you need to stand up to this controlling husband, BUT I do agree with him on one point - the fizzy drinks are not a good idea.

Oh, sure, OP surely has no clue that fizzy drinks are bad for you

Did you stop working when you became ill? Is that why he's developed this habit with money?

My ex used to be like that about money; even though he would happily spend huge amounts on his car every month, he'd frown if I got myself new shoes. That was a habit he got into when it was just him earning, when the kids were little, and he never dropped it even when I was earning again. It's good that you recognise this as an issue and are trying to think what you could do about it; I just kind of accepted it as part of his character. Was a huge relief after we split up, but it has taken me ages not to feel guilty about spending my own money.

Yeah, you need / he needs counselling. Someone from outside, as he won't respect your opinion.

Could he be frightened that if he lets go you’ll struggle (depending what type of illness you had). For eg If you have a chronic fatigue type thing you might get very shattered and then forget to do stuff?

He shouldn’t have told you off in front of the kids mind you xxx

Are the kids at home in the day time ?

Ooh lots of responses. I was out with the dogs and no phone.

Ok so I have actually got myself a pt job which should hopefully start next week, so I think that might help with some of this.

I can’t stress enough what a lovely bloke he is other than this. He works hard, makes me laugh, supports me to the ends of the earth. He is very black and white however (I think he’s probably on the spectrum) and very rules and routine oriented. I am not. We used to bounce off each other and now I just think he despairs of me.

I am a crappy housewife, I’m disorganised and messy but tbf so are the lot of them and we live in chaos a lot of the time. I’m very all or nothing so the house is either sparkling and super tidy or an absolute tip. But everyone’s fed and has clean clothes and I;mostly remember appointments and school trips etc. It irks me that actually I do everything but he ‘manages’ me, so it’s almost like he takes the credit for it, if that makes sense.

This has crept up on us and when I lost my shit last night he was pretty horrified that that’s how I saw it, that he is micro managing me. I imagine now, at least for a while, he will do the complete opposite and it will be a disaster of me forgetting to do important things, which will just prove to him that I need telling. But there’s a difference between ‘can you please make sure my blue top is washed today love’ and the way he’s doing it.

Yes I gave up work when I got ill and that’s when this all started. And yes, from his side he definitely thinks if he loosens the reins I’ll fall apart.

We need to find a balance.

Kids are all school age, hence why I’m happy to do everything at home, he works more than full time. Funnily enough they keep asking him to take on a more senior role at work and he always says no because he doesn’t want to have to manage people...

Is there any way you could organise something not related to the house and kids so that he can see you as a capable adult again ... e.g. you arrange some sort of local event??? So he sees you going out dressed smartly and being all important, with people asking you what to do.

It does sound promising that you managed to express how you felt and he was horrified.

It’s control all thing all micromanaging, he might just like it. It keeps you in your place. Having said that if you are a SAHM, keeping on top of the home is basically your job.

Being ‘disorganised and a shit housekeeper’, as you describe yourself, can be very easily remedied by simply sitting down, creating routines and organising yourself. Anyone can do it.

If you don’t like it, and many women don’t with good reason, housework is boring and repetitive, I agree the answer is a job.

To be honest, it does sound as if you and your DH have very different personalities. You sound quite laid back and he sounds highly disciplined. You are therefore clashing.

What illness you have and for how long you've been ill will influence whether he's being an arse or not.