DH treating me like a wayward child.

[YippeeKayakOtherBuckets]

DH and I have always been so solid, never arguing, always having each other’s backs. But over the past couple of years he’s become more and more paternalistic with me. I can understand how it started (I was v ill for a while so he had to step up) but he hasn’t loosened the reins at all and it’s making me crazy.

It’s everything from commenting negatively on what I eat, drink, how much I exercise, to giving me a (verbal) to-do list before he leaves the house. He goes out two evenings a week and without fail he will say to me ‘remember to do Ds’s reading, make sure Dd finishes the washing up, sew those badges on, print out that form’ etc etc. It all sounds benign and helpful but it makes me feel incapable.

I do EVERYTHING around the house (SAHM) which I don’t mind, but he’s started dropping in comments like ‘this bedroom could do with a tidy’ which actually makes me want to start tipping out drawers.

He gently mocks my eating habits and lack of exercise but it’s one of those drip drip things that is really starting to grate now. He is super fit and monitors everything he eats. I like carbs and fizzy drinks and don’t exercise, although I walk or cycle at least 6 miles a day, often more (school run and dogs).

He also monitors every last penny and doesn’t understand why we spend anything outside of food shopping and petrol. He took mouldy bread to work for sandwiches the other morning as I’d failed on the bread front, and when I suggested he took a fiver instead to buy a meal deal you’d have thought I’d suggested eating the dog. The implication being that I’m a terrible spendthrift. Mouldy bread for fuck’s actual sake.

It all came to a bit of a head last night as I had forgotten to do something for one of the kids for school and he told me off, in front of the kids. I lost it a bit and ended up in snotty tears. From his point of view he worries that if he doesn’t remind me, nothing will get done, and tbf I am disorganised and a shit housekeeper. And that he worries about my health so that’s why he comments. From my point of view I feel that he doesn’t trust me to run my own life or be an effective parent/adult.

I’m really sad and a bit scared as we’ve never not got on and I feel like since I’ve been ill he’s changed his view of me completely, like I’m completely incapable and need parenting.

How can we break out of this pattern?

This is a tricky one because I can kind of see where he's coming from, especially when I thought about what my response would be if the sex roles were reversed.

1. You were ill enough in the past that he had to step into the roll of doing everything - he presumably worries you will get ill again so wants you to eat healthily and exercise. I know it seems very controlling but he's probably concerned for you especially if he eats very healthily himself and exercises a lot.

1. You admit to being disorganised and a terrible housekeeper (as a SAHM this is effecting your day job) and yet get cross when he reminds you. Perhaps if you were more organised and did your 'job' better he would t need to micromanage you.

He shouldn't be making you cry or arguing with you in front of the children but do you think he's maybe beyond frustrated and you need to step up?? I'd be pretty bloody annoyed if my partner who was responsible for the home / food side of things needed reminded constantly and I felt like they weren't holding up their side of the bargain.

Actually I think the opposite op. I would suggest he feels if he loosens the reins you will manage more than fine and realise you don't need him......
And he wil have lost his control over you.

I’m not that shit. I shop, cook, clean, do laundry, organise bills and insurances and the mortgage and his tax returns and make appointments and basically all the life stuff.

But he reminds me about stupid shit that I do anyway, like reading with DS if he’s out (otherwise he does it), or things like ‘remember you need to phone the garage to book my car in’, or ‘don’t forget to do the online shop’. Which I don’t need reminding about, and just grates on me. Especially when he says it multiple times. I don’t NEED reminding about most things. Occasionally it’s helpful to be given a nudge but actually I manage pretty fucking well without handholding.

And the funny thing is that although I’m a bit scatty, I’m the capable one in the house. He literally wouldn’t know where to start with organising the financial stuff, he doesn’t even )now the online banking passwords. I do all the form filling, organising and box ticking. I plan the meals and do the shopping and cooking, I make sure everyone has clean uniform and kit on the right days (mostly!), basically I run a fairly decent household.

When you're well. But you've been really unwell by the sound of it and might become unwell again. I don't think he's being controlling, I think you just need to sit him down and have a chat about how you both feel.

He should know the banking passwords.

The two of you need to sit down and have a proper chat.

If the illness is MH related (bipolar?) what are your symptoms when you’re unwell?

If he is on the spectrum, as you suspect, why has this behaviour not always been there.

So what if the house isn't always spotless. If he can't help out without belittling you, how are you going to cope with the really big issues that crop up in relationships?

He doesn't sound great at all. He sounds rude and condescending.

Also have a read about co dependent relationships and rescuing syndrome.

I wonder if he’s stuck in a rescuer mindset and can’t Let that go now you’re not unwell.

You've identified what the problem is; now you can either complain about it, or do something practical to change it. I'd seriously recommend some form of counselling - it sounds like even a few sessions could help - as it can really be very helpful to get an outsider's viewpoint. My ex and I did not have counselling together - basically it was too late by the time I suggested it - but our son did, and at one point both us parents went along for a joint discussion with his counsellor. He pointed out all the same things I had told my ex for years, but this time my ex listened. That was just one session, for my son, but it was so helpful for me!

Your probably more organised you think but are more worried about his reaction so you think you are missing things when you not.

Make a list of everything you do on a daily basis, including what you do for and with the children , what you do re the household bills and banking.

I would also for my own piece of mind get diary and work out a new routine around your new job to make you life easier.

For example can you make up some meals to go in the freezer so you can meals that are already made and only need reheating on those nights your to tired to do dinner.

His controlling behaviour sounds to me like a coping mechanism for the worry and lack of control he had when you were ill. It may be that he's expressing genuine fear and worry in a really bad way without even realising it - it's especially likely to be the case if he's on the spectrum. When I'm very anxious part of the way I express it is by being very silly about money - the mouldy bread thing rings a bell for me.
I think what most people are responding to is that it's clear from your posts that you still like your DH - you are totally exasperated with him, understandably, but there is still affection there so it may be possible to pull this back.

Has he talked to you recently about how he's feeling?

Meet his reminders with ‘done’.

Also a perspective from the other side about your sons reading - if I have something I usually do (signing a kids reading book, feeding the dog or something) that I won't be able to do because I'm going out to do my sport, I'll remind DH about it because I see it as still my responsibility to make sure it is taken care of even if I'm not there to do it personally. It's not about not trusting him but about mentally ticking it off my own 'to do' list. Basically I feel bad because I can't do it myself because I'm out doing something I enjoy and I'd feel even worse if it got forgotten altogether.

Just to update this. We’ve had huge talks this weekend and he has agreed to pull right back. I went out yesterday and asked him not to comment or moan about money, timings, how many gins I was having or what time I’d be home. And he didn’t. The outcome was that I came home early, reasonably sober, without blowing the budget. I don’t go out often at all, a few times a year really, but the last few times I’ve done the whole petulant teenager thing and gone wild.

I asked him to trust me, he did, and I stuck to what I said I’d do without feeling obliged to make promises I didn’t want to keep.

We both need to make some changes but we will get there.