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Original poster

Am I over reacting?

48 replies

startingover231 · 04/10/2018 21:51

Background... XH left me 4 years ago for OW. He’s always paid maintenance for youngest DD set at agreed rate by court. Agreement was that he’d pay until she was19.
I stayed in marital home, and it’s now solely in my name.
He was always main wage earner and since he left I have increased my earning power and hours to the maximum I can, but I rely on his maintenance money to keep the house going and provide a stable family home for the kids. (Even though they’re all grown up kids now!)
DD has always been difficult, dropped out of school/college, has yet to find meaningful employment that pays enough to pay me ‘keep’.
Just before her 19th birthday I swallowed my pride and asked him if he would consider carrying on paying something to help support her until she found a full time job. Based on the assumption if we’d stayed together we would both have been supporting her.He agreed and said it had never been his intention to stop paying until she was sorted enough to pay me directly. And that he would never just stop paying without warning. Fast forward 6 months and my DD has just told me he’d discussed it with her and felt he should now be paying her so she can pay me, but at a lower amount than the maintenance.
I am fed up he discussed it with her rather than me but I don’t know if I’m over reacting?
Part of me understands that this might be his way of trying to get her to take responsibility, but I wish he’d discussed it with me first! And hopefully this will make her realise she’s got to grow up and contribute. Which I do realise she needs to do....
Realistically I don’t earn enough to pay the bills, feed us all, run my car etc without the maintenance. Meanwhile him and new wife take 2 or 3 foreign holidays a year, live in a swanky house , drive expensive cars etc.
I know we’re going to struggle this winter to heat the house, I don’t know where else I can make savings. I can’t move because I have to also look after my elderly father who lives nearby.
I don’t want to be dependent on him and I do realise that compared to many I’m lucky he never refused to pay maintenance and carried on paying beyond where he needed to but I feel like I want to message him telling him he’s letting me /us down yet again by not having the decency to discuss this with me!
Or should I just be grateful he paid up for so long and just get on with it?
How did you manage when the maintenance stopped?

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 04/10/2018 22:06

Your daughter is 19, an adult, I don’t see why he shouldn’t discuss it with her

AnyFucker · 04/10/2018 22:13

I don't really understand

Your dd is an adult but the only way you can sustain your current lifestyle is for you to continue to rely on money given to you by your ex?

It's time to cut your cloth, I am afraid

Absolutely he can give money to your mutual daughter (if he must....but not sure how that is helping her to develop a work ethic, but hey)

But giving it directly to you so you can pay your bills ?

Not seeing it, sorry. What did you think would happen when your dc came of age ?

Mxyzptlk · 04/10/2018 22:20

And if DD suddenly shapes up, gets a job and moves out? You'll have no cause to expect any money from anyone, so you need to start looking at that as a possibility.
Yes, it would have been polite for your ex to tell you he intended to change the arrangement but that's not a big deal.
No don't send him that message.

NotTheFordType · 04/10/2018 22:23

what were the terms of your divorce agreement?

Original poster
startingover231 · 04/10/2018 22:31

Fair comment. Like I say I’m aware I’m lucky he has continued to support us, but this isn’t about maintaining a lavish lifestyle, it’s about everyday living, providing a roof for adult kids who can’t afford to live independently, which if he hadn’t left we would have done together, and more that I feel it would have been more respectful to me to have a discussion with me, that gave me suppport to deal with our DD and her need to grow up and take responsibility.

OP posts:
Original poster
startingover231 · 04/10/2018 22:36

notthe fordtype
As I said, terms of divorce were he would pay maintenance until youngest DD was 19. I have no quibble with that. He did what was legally required, but I just feel that morally you don’t stop being a parent at 19. Somehow, I still have to provide for her the basics of a roof over her head and food, or cut her loose to fend alone! I know it’s popular to say she’s an adult now and should take responsibility but I am a Mum, I can’t just chuck her out.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/10/2018 22:37

Who said you should chuck her out ?

C0untDucku1a · 04/10/2018 22:37

He hasnt done anything wrong at all. Apart from the affait Obviously.
Is he expecting her to use the money he gives her and add to it out of her own pocket to give to you? You need to enforce that.
All Your adult children need to be contributing to the household fund.
Are you working full time?

nellly · 04/10/2018 22:40

But he's not stopped being a parent he's still trying to support her and seems to be trying to teach her responsibility. Tell her what the cost is, and she needs to find it from money from her dad and wages. Or you both move, together or separately to somewhere you can actually afford

Unicornandbows · 04/10/2018 22:40

Am sorry but he doesn't have to discuss this with you anymore...

Also what if your daughter moves out what would you do then... You had quite a few years to figure all this out..

Original poster
startingover231 · 04/10/2018 22:40

mxyzptlk
Yes of course she could do that and nothing would make me happier than for my DD to be settled and independent financially and otherwise, but if she didn’t live here. I could save on food,fuel etc and maybe take a lodger, move my elderly father in, move with my elderly father somewhere smaller and more affordable. The possibilities are endlesss but not as long as she needs her room!

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 04/10/2018 22:42

So if he's going to pay her money so that she can pay you, you know what's going to happen, don't you? She'll use it as pocket money and you won't see a penny of it! In which case tell her she can sleep on the sofa and you'll get a lodger for her room - £100 pw is the going rate!

Costacoffeeplease · 04/10/2018 22:43

How long do you think your daughter should be supported financially?

10twinkle · 04/10/2018 22:44

If she moved into her dads house, so he provided the roof over her bead, could you afford your bills then?

Singlenotsingle · 04/10/2018 22:44

Or maybe it's time for DD to go and live with her father,?

cheesefield · 04/10/2018 22:44

So are more than 1 of the DCs still living with you?

Can you sell up and downsize?

10twinkle · 04/10/2018 22:45

*head

10twinkle · 04/10/2018 22:45

In fact, would you pay him if she moved in with him?

m0therofdragons · 04/10/2018 22:45

What if dd had her shit together and met a partner and moved in with them. How would you afford the bills? It just feels you have buried your head in the sand and are continuing to do so.

Original poster
startingover231 · 04/10/2018 22:48

countduckula
I work full time, my other adult child who lives at home contributes fully of course,
Yes I think he expects her to pay me, but the reality is that every month I will have to hassle her for it, be lucky to get it before she spends it, generally being the bad guy.
But this thread was less about me being upset he wasn’t going to pay me anymore and more about him having the common courtesy to discuss his thoughts with me! But I guess I am wrong to think I was entitled to that respect!

OP posts:
Haireverywhere · 04/10/2018 22:48

I don't think it's unreasonable to support his adult daughter if he chooses as it's not maintenance. He wouldn't pay her landlord if she moved out etc. How much she pays you is between you and her but you can't control their financial agreement. Start preparing for how you'll afford it when she moves out if you don't think she'll give you the amount you feel she should.

Haireverywhere · 04/10/2018 22:49

I don't think anyone's done anything wrong (affair aside!).

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/10/2018 22:50

He hasn’t said he’s going to stop supporting her though has he, he’s just going to do it direct to her rather than via you. Either way that money isn’t for your household bills. It sounds like he gave you the house and you say you work, you’d have bills whether or not she lived there.

If he gives her money it’s between you and her how much of that she gives you for her keep.

How much are you short if he stops giving you any more money? Would a lodger cover it? How much could your father contribute?

It might be that you have to consider downsizing if running it on what you can bring in isn’t feasible. I’m sure there are smaller properties in the area so you can stay near your dad.

The houses, holidays, cars etc your ex and his wife enjoy aren’t relevant. It sounds like he’s been more than fair and he and his wife presumably both work so their household with the wages coming in won’t be equal to yours where only you work and your adult daughter doesn’t.

I appreciate you’re stressed by keeping things afloat but he doesn’t owe you anything now and you need to make sure your numbers add up. Or get a second job. Or get your DD to work. Or get a lodger. Or move.

10twinkle · 04/10/2018 22:50

No I agree you were probably entitled to have him speak to you about it too.

I do still wonder if you would pay your ex if DD moved in with him?

Original poster
startingover231 · 04/10/2018 22:53

No I’m not burying my head in the sand, it was always my intention to downsize, I had the house on the market and then my mum who was the carer for my dad died and I can’t now leave my dad, who lives nearby to fend for himself.
If she moved in with her dad, (never going to happen!) I could let out her room to help pay the mortgage!
singlenotsingle you’re spot on! I’ll be lucky to see any rent from her!
Maybe I’ll suggest the sofa!

OP posts: