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Original poster

Am I over reacting?

48 replies

startingover231 · 04/10/2018 21:51

Background... XH left me 4 years ago for OW. He’s always paid maintenance for youngest DD set at agreed rate by court. Agreement was that he’d pay until she was19.
I stayed in marital home, and it’s now solely in my name.
He was always main wage earner and since he left I have increased my earning power and hours to the maximum I can, but I rely on his maintenance money to keep the house going and provide a stable family home for the kids. (Even though they’re all grown up kids now!)
DD has always been difficult, dropped out of school/college, has yet to find meaningful employment that pays enough to pay me ‘keep’.
Just before her 19th birthday I swallowed my pride and asked him if he would consider carrying on paying something to help support her until she found a full time job. Based on the assumption if we’d stayed together we would both have been supporting her.He agreed and said it had never been his intention to stop paying until she was sorted enough to pay me directly. And that he would never just stop paying without warning. Fast forward 6 months and my DD has just told me he’d discussed it with her and felt he should now be paying her so she can pay me, but at a lower amount than the maintenance.
I am fed up he discussed it with her rather than me but I don’t know if I’m over reacting?
Part of me understands that this might be his way of trying to get her to take responsibility, but I wish he’d discussed it with me first! And hopefully this will make her realise she’s got to grow up and contribute. Which I do realise she needs to do....
Realistically I don’t earn enough to pay the bills, feed us all, run my car etc without the maintenance. Meanwhile him and new wife take 2 or 3 foreign holidays a year, live in a swanky house , drive expensive cars etc.
I know we’re going to struggle this winter to heat the house, I don’t know where else I can make savings. I can’t move because I have to also look after my elderly father who lives nearby.
I don’t want to be dependent on him and I do realise that compared to many I’m lucky he never refused to pay maintenance and carried on paying beyond where he needed to but I feel like I want to message him telling him he’s letting me /us down yet again by not having the decency to discuss this with me!
Or should I just be grateful he paid up for so long and just get on with it?
How did you manage when the maintenance stopped?

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 04/10/2018 22:54

I'm not joking about the sofa OP!

10twinkle · 04/10/2018 22:55

And if you rented out her room, would you use some of it to contribute to the roof your ex is putting over your DDs head?

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/10/2018 22:55

X post. He’s continued to pay you when he didn’t need to and he might see his daughter as an adult who he’ll support to a lesser degree than he’s done so far while she gets up and running. He has his relationship with her and you have yours.

I think respect is a red herring. He wasn’t really going to carry on giving you money to contribute to her costs indefinitely. What if she’s still choosing not to work and be independent when she’s 25? 30?

Your frustrations are with her, not your ex.

Original poster

startingover231 · 04/10/2018 23:02

10twinkle I would absolutely contribute if the boot was on the other foot and he was struggling and I earned enough to.
Annelovesgilbert he didn’t ‘give’ me the family home! I pay the mortgage now and it was my half of the settlement, he kept the cash, pensions etc.etc.
And I don’t think he owes me anything, I think he should have discussed it with me not our daughter, at least initially!
I can’t get a lodger whilst she lives here, there isn’t room and no my father can’t contribute.
I know it looks like I’ve been an ostrich, but I have been trying to find ways to manage. I have cut back on everything that’s dispensable.

OP posts:

10twinkle · 04/10/2018 23:06

But what if your circumstances were exactly the same except your daughter lived with him?
So because he seemingly has more disposable income, he should contribute to your household?

Onemorewonthurt · 04/10/2018 23:07

It seems as though you're directing your frustration at the wrong person. Discussion or not, your exh will no longer be contributing.
The problem you have is your daughter. She's the one you should be sending messages to, she's the one you should be telling you can't heat the house. She is the only issue you have.

MyKingdomForBrie · 04/10/2018 23:12

You'd already had a conversation with him about it! Of course he's entitled to talk to his daughter about it as you and he had already discussed it.

I'm astounded you are so rude about him and talk about him as 'disrespectful' when he is willingly continuing to support you all. Of course they are his children too but it's your choice to keep her at home in a family house with a lifestyle above your means.

Flatasapancakenow · 04/10/2018 23:14

I think ideally he should have told you that he was going to give your daughter the money to manage. I can see why that has annoyed you. But now it's been done you are in the situation that you are in, so you need to work out how you are going to manage financially from this point onwards.

In the short-term your daughter will have to give you keep.
In the long-term are you serious about getting in a lodger or is that more of an illustration of how having your daughter live with you hinders your finances? Would you be comfortable with a stranger in your home 24/7? If you did get a lodger in and they were late on rent would it be devastating for you financially? What if you advertise but no one is interested for a few months?
What other long-term options have you got? What if your other DC moves out and you don't have that income either? You need to plan for if your Dad is around and if he isn't (he could move in with you but then go into a care home in the future, so again it isn't really a long-term solution to your finances).

I'm not trying to scare you, I just think your safety net is quite fragile and you need to able to afford your house and car etc independently or downsize.

HollowTalk · 04/10/2018 23:14

I completely agree with you. Nowadays with late teen children staying at home into their twenties, it's the single mum who bears the brunt of it. The father who's handed over maintenance then is off scot-free. He knows the mum won't throw the children out. He knows the children can't cope financially on their own. He knows, too, that if he was still married to the mum, his money would be spent on keeping those children. Instead, he stops all money going out and that's just not fair.

There are very few 19 year olds who earn enough to leave home and keep themselves.

FanciedAChangeToday · 04/10/2018 23:24

I agree it would have been thoughtful of him to talk to you first. I would prefer that myself, but some conversations "evolve" so maybe it came out in a discussion with her, rather than him planning it that way

dirtybadger · 04/10/2018 23:36

Does your daughter give you any money currently...from jobseekers or whatever she receives as someone unemployed? Even 10hrs a week on min wage for under 21s would mean she could bung you £100 to help out every month until she found more hours.

dirtybadger · 04/10/2018 23:40

Also, a good idea...when I was that age my mum charged me a %. She wanted 350 but that wasn't fair when I earned less than that a month to start with, essentially working for nothing, so she charged 50% and it "maxed out" at 350 so once I was FT it was worth my while.

Mxyzptlk · 04/10/2018 23:42

I will have to hassle her for it, be lucky to get it before she spends it, generally being the bad guy.
I'd guess that would also be the case if DD's income was from a job? You couldn't ask an employer to hand money straight to you. So the problem is DD's flakiness, not your ex's decision to give money to her.

Monty27 · 04/10/2018 23:48

I skimmed through this thread. Here's my take: my exdh underpaid by 50k over a period of 14 years.
I also had remortgaged the family home and still paying.
I cock my snoot at him as I consider him a cunt but wouldn't beg.
I have done it all by myself and my 20+ year old DC's know it.
I am one proud woman.
Whereas you have had a very supportive df around your DC's. That's great.
I don't see what your problem is now they are adults.

user1492863869 · 05/10/2018 00:01

It may have a nice thing for him to do but like others say, your daughter may have forced his hand and asked for it directly.

Your posts come across as though you haven’t come to terms with your divorce. The fact of the matter is that you are not married any more. There’s no point in saying “if you were still together he would to.... “you aren’t and you reached a final financial settlement to end the marriage. Leaving all your equity in a 3 bed house that costs more than you can afford is your choice not his.

Three adults living in a house should be able to earn enough to cover the costs without him pitching in. Nonetheless his is paying his daughter an allowance. Tbh I am not sure why either of you think this is a good idea. Especially if she is not using it pay for her basics. If you need to discuss anything it is the need to get her to make better life choices and to stand on her own 2 feet. I would suggest you ask both your children what their plans are for moving out in the event you decide to sell. Make sure they are both contributing to the cost of living in the house, equal 1/3s for all living costs. It would be nice if you didn’t have to ask for this but you simply aren’t that rich. So needs must.

Nb Have you looked into getting your father to claim attendance allowance? This would help with his care, will fund cleaners etc. Other care payments may be available but are means tested. This allowance isn’t.

gimbles · 05/10/2018 00:30

I just feel that morally you don’t stop being a parent at 19.

But he is not doing that. He is going to give her money directly. That's called stepping up and being a parent. Lots of parents just leave their 19yo's to fend for themselves. Your DD is lucky to have him.

Monty27 · 05/10/2018 00:49

Or even younger gimbles and op

Notacluewhatthisis · 05/10/2018 07:07

He is supporting the daughter and still being a parent.

He is supporting the daughter. Not the op. Therefore the money should go to her and it should be discussed with her.

If you can't get money out of her when given by her dad, you aren't going to get it when she has a job.

I am sorry about your mum and dad, but you can't afford the house and need to move.

Mrskeats · 05/10/2018 07:14

My dh gave his wife 250k and continues to pay maintenance on top.
Not sure how men get off ‘Scot-free’
You need you downsize in the same area.

Nightwatch999 · 05/10/2018 07:18

You are overreacting. Your DD is 19, she should pay her own way.

Thatstheendofmytether · 05/10/2018 07:26

Your exh is not stopping giving your dd2 money, he's paying directly to her so you will not be supporting her alone. Also you said she has to give you some of her maintenance money so you can stay in your house.
Your exh is not responsible for paying your bills, you are an adult and if you can't afford to pay your bills and your mortgage then you need to move to somewhere you can because not paying them is not an option, as you well know.

RhymesWithOrange · 05/10/2018 07:29

If he stops maintenance then you have to ask your adult children to fend for themselves. It's as simple as that. Sorry for your situation.

MaybeDoctor · 05/10/2018 07:42

I think it is time for an honest conversation with both your children in the room. Set out the costs and income clearly to them and explain that it is no longer balancing. Ask for their ideas. Set out options like moving, lodgers etc.

I wish that my parents had been equally open and honest with me at a similar age. I had no idea as all that information was kept very private. Learning about bills etc is always valuable.

On another note, is there a ‘side business’ you could start up? Perhaps there might be ways to increase your income - quite a few threads on here.

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