My stbxh behaved/behaves very badly towards me and my children. I have been advised to forgive him, eventually. So,

[bluetrampolines]

...is forgiveness the same as acceptance? How do i forgive?

www.npr.org/2013/03/11/174016256/forgiveness-isnt-all-its-cracked-up-to-be?t=1538673017433

Interesting reading. I love me some Dear Prudence.

For my 2p. Forgiveness comes when the person who has done wrong has wholeheartedly apologised without expectation of anything.

Just because you forgive, doesn’t mean you have to have that person in your life either.

Acceptance is where you accept that that person is flawed, wont change and you no longer give them any head space or power.

I haven't forgiven my ex and that lack of forgiveness has never stopped me being happy. Grudge all you want, just make sure you move on.

I'm sure she doesn't mean 'forgive him and be nice to him even though he's being a dick' - it sounds more as if she means that it's better to accept that he is a dick who treated you badly, that he is never going to change and that you are allowed to care for yourself and love yourself by not wasting emotional energy on hating and resenting him because he is not worth that.

I haven’t forgiven someone who treated me badly, someone I can see now is a narcissist. However years later they rarely enter my head space because I just don’t care. I won’t forgive their behaviour but I’ve moved on and I’m happy which to me is far more important. I don’t owe anyone my forgiveness.

I can do forgiveness, I could probably forgive someone who in a moment of madness or accident killed one of my loved ones, if they too were sorry. There's no point in wrecking multiple lives.
But if my wanker exh REPEATEDLY caused my DC unhappiness and stress because he's a mean bastard, and doesn't care, and isn't sorry because he won't even LOOK at himself, then I definitely won't forgive.
I'm caring less and less, i accept that parenting is down to me, and that is freeing in itself.
Go your own way x

Listen to the wise words of mumsnet OP. Look forwards, not back

You don't need to admit your forgiveness of someone to anyone but yourself.

You either can, can't or maybe will over time.

Forgive yourself for being duped if need be, the rest is not for him!

I think it is meant to dissuade people from dwelling on revenge or the behaviour itself. What ifs help nobody.

What is healthy (i think) is not giving any energy or headspace to that person or their behaviour. Put them in the brainbox marked "HAZARDOUS MATERIALS - AVOID" and then deal with them as little as possible from as far away as possible in much the same way you would scrape dogshit out of the carpet or evict a giant arachnid.

I think "forgiveness" is a word often misused.
You cannot forgive someone who has not sought it.
You cannot forgive someone who continues with the same behaviour e.g. abuse.
But you can learn acceptance i.e. coming to terms with what went before.
Then you are free to move forward without too much bitterness.