My stbxh behaved/behaves very badly towards me and my children. I have been advised to forgive him, eventually. So,

[bluetrampolines]

...is forgiveness the same as acceptance? How do i forgive?

What kind of "advice" is that and who did it come from ?

What Anyfucker said.

I would neither forgive nor accept.
Fuck that shit advice.

No i dont think so!! My stbxh treats me and the kids like shit, i wont be forgiving him but i accept it. I accept it so that im able to move on and support my children as best as possible. I kind of accept that hes a prick and always will be.
I also accept that i can do very little if at all to change his behaviour, that acceptance in its self kind of sets you free.

If what they clumsily meant is to try to stay superficially amicable with your ex to protect your kids, then I'd agree not to get sucked into any drama/tit-for-tat. Keep any communications strictly about the kids and nothing else.

Forgiveness? No, not yet anyway, and only then if you feel it would help you.

The advise came from a good friend who is older than me and experienced something similar a long time ago.

Advised by who?

I think accepting uses up less energy than forgiveness. But i dont understand how i could forgive him, mostly because he doesn't think hes done anything wrong.

X posted. Why does the friend think you should forgive?

Of course you don’t have to. Other people make different choices, make your own.

A friend who has turned her life around after a badly behaved husband.

I guess she didn't say I had to but that it had helped her. I've just been thinking about it. I cant figure out why forgiveness is an upgrade on acceptance.

Nah, fuck that!

Acceptance is one thing but no I won’t forgive without genuine understanding, remorse and sustained action to change.

Or even different than acceptance.

Your friend has advised you. You don't need to take that advice. Do what is best for you and your children.

You do not have to forgive. Why should forgiveness always be the goal? It depends on, for example, how appalling the behaviour was, how systemic it was, and whether there now is genuine remorse and a desire in the other to work on themselves, and to genuinely change for the better.

Accepting what happened, yes.

And I think forgiving yourself for what happened is by far the more important thing.

Snap with joysmum

This is an opinion. An opinion you can ignore. I could ‘advise’ that staying angry might improve your self-esteem, strengthen your boundaries and help you model a healthy assertiveness for your children. You’re equally free to ignore either piece of advice. Do what you feel is best for you.

In a way it's just semantics. Forgiveness, Acceptance, whatever. I think the KEY is that if something is eating you up inside, it's damaging you much more than the person who did you wrong. They don't give a shit and are going on their merry way. You don't need to 'forgive' or 'accept' in the sense of saying 'what you did is ok' or 'I'm over what you did'. But you should find a way to say 'fuck you' and then move on. The person isn't forgiven, it isn't forgotten, but you refuse to allow it to affect your happiness.

There is a person who I will never forgive, whose actions I will never accept. If they were on fire I wouldn't piss on them to put the fire out. BUT this person has no power to affect my happiness. Because I will not let them. Unfortunately the way of doing this is specific to each of us. You have to find your own path to this.

Well, it depends what he’s done.

You don’t have to forgive, but often the road to moving on can start with forgiveness.

But it does depend on what he did that you’re being told to forgive? Lll

This I suspect is about you how the anger is eating you up inside - for that yes its best to simply let go and stop it damaging you.

It doesnt mean you need to forgive him or tell him you forgive him simply stop giving him headspace

I think you have to accept what happens and don’t blame yourself. I do not think you have to accept ongoing poor behaviour. You’ve drawn your line in the sand and he can either toe the line or fuck off quite frankly.

By forgive does she mean play happy families for the sake of the children at handover?

She definitely doesn't mean forgive to play happy families.

Interesting the idea of forgiving myself. I hadn't at all thought of that. I can see how forgiving myself for the heap of person ive become could be helpful.

It's been in many ways a hellish time. He is a cold and calculated abuser. I guess i can't see how i could at all forgive him. He enjoys being a bastard. Sick. I think i read its called being a malignant narcissist.

I think 'accepting you have no control over other people being a dick' is more appropriate than 'forgiveness' just to stop you revisiting things in your head and wondering what might have been - it might give you some peace. I wouldn't forgive, though.

I’ve always found it incredibly odd when people go on and on about forgiving.

I went thro a horrendous marriage and divorce. I’m not forgiving him ever.

There was a point where I would have, however he prolonged the misery for both me and my dc.

So nope not forgiving.

I am happy & don’t think about him. But why should I forgive unforgivable behaviour?

Are men ever asked to forgive their abusive ex wives?

Depends what he's done to warrant forgiveness.
Does he care if you forgive him?

My ex has done a few things in the last 12
Months that whilst I can understand why he has done these things (he puts himself first and that's his priority that's why he's done these things) I don't forgive him. However I have accepted it.

Mainly because he doesn't think he has done anything wrong. He swings between explaining why he has acted the way he has when he wants something. He has never apologised.

He's quite narcissistic so a lot of the explanations are self serving.

Who knows how I will feel after another 12 months.

I do know that to me, it's not important to me to my well being to forgive him. It is important not to dwell on it so I don't.

I think the acceptance is more important for your own mental head space.