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Original poster

Help me with this one...

50 replies

FrenchMartiniAhh · 04/10/2018 11:53

So here's the background (I've been in an amazing relationship with DP for 3 years now and he has a daughter from a previous relationship. He split with his ex due to constant arguments around his DD and he didn't want her being raised in a war zone. I met his DD a year and a half ago and we moved in together in January, I will call her DSD for the purposes of this post as I'm sure I'll get flamed, as we're not married.

Anyway, we get on exceptionally well, in fact she asks for me more than her dad and I make an effort with her. I also accept she and her father need alone time and I give them that. We have her half the week.

When we moved in, I gave her mother the opportunity to meet me as I'm sure it would be hard for her only child to be around another woman and she declined on the basis that her daughter was happy and well looked after in our care. His ex added that she'd find something negative to say regardless of how well I come across. I don't want to drip feed however her mum has done some pretty intrusive things that directly involve me, which makes me want to put my foot down on this issue.

Fast forward to now, DP has asked to take DSD abroad for a week. Originally her reason for saying no was she didn't want her daughter so far away (understandable) DP said tough - now she wants to meet me, am I being unreasonable by telling her no, she had her opportunity and she knows that I ensure that when DSD is in my sole company, she is cared, loved and well looked after. DSD says this herself. As she previously said, she'll only find something negative about me?

I don't want to, I see no reason to now and I don't want to pander to her every request.

Please no flaming, i'm stressed already and i'm trying to do the right thing. I want to help DP and his daughter have the best relationship possible, including holidays - if I don't meet her she may say no?

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/10/2018 11:56

This isn't about you.

If you really do want the best for DSD, then meet her.

Let her take a petty swipe if she feels the need, rise above it.

Original poster
FrenchMartiniAhh · 04/10/2018 11:58

But she's already said she'll make a negative opinion and then probably say no to us taking her away?

OP posts:
Charlie97 · 04/10/2018 12:03

@FrenchMartiniAhh tough but I think you should go along.....you can they say I did all I could?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/10/2018 12:10

Well, you said if she doesn't meet you, she may say no anyway, so what have you got to lose?

Be the better person. At least then you can tell DSD in the future that you tried.

Quartz2208 · 04/10/2018 12:42

Taking just this request at face value - it is a reasonable one; her daughter is going abroad on holiday to a strange environment with someone she has never met. Wanting to meet now is an understandable reasction

As an aside it isnt tough as it happens she can stop him going abroad as it happens so if you play hardball on this one you could lose

Original poster
FrenchMartiniAhh · 04/10/2018 13:10

I just think if we keep giving into her requests, we will never draw the line.

DP thinks she's being awkward and unreasonable but said he supports whatever decision I choose.

I just want us all to have a good relationship - her mother included and for all the drama to go away.

OP posts:
stellabird · 04/10/2018 13:15

Until you meet, each of you will have this "invisible woman" in their life. And the invisible woman often becomes something she is not - because you don't know her at all. The minute you actually meet, things change and hopefully they become better because you know each other to some degree. I'd meet her - you've got nothing to lose and you may find things will improve if you do.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/10/2018 13:17

I just want us all to have a good relationship - her mother included and for all the drama to go away.

Well that's not going to happen if you don't take the first step?

Quartz2208 · 04/10/2018 13:19

I think you need to have a more case by case basis on requests rather than a holistic approach. This is a big one and its not unreasonable for her to decide to meet you now. Not only that it is something if she chooses to she can stop - you do need her permission to take her abroad its as simple as that

At the moment the drama is in part caused by you - I know it will feel like giving in but the only way for it to stop and for you to have a good relationship is too meet.

Do you really want this to be the line in the sand that you draw for everything going forward?

Charlie97 · 04/10/2018 13:23

@FrenchMartiniAhh you're stuck between a rock and a hard place!

Damned if you do and damned if you don't!

You go and kill her with kindness, then it's her fault if DSD isn't allowed!

newwomannow · 04/10/2018 13:24

If you are committed to a good relationship for your DSD then you’ll meet her.

Doyoumind · 04/10/2018 13:26

She can't stop him from taking his DD away anyway. He could take it to court and they would grant him permission.

Charlie97 · 04/10/2018 13:32

If what @Doyoumind says is right then I retract my comment!

cakecakecheese · 04/10/2018 13:34

The thing is you have offered to meet her before so you'll seem a bit petty if you don't just because it's her idea now.

Quartz2208 · 04/10/2018 13:40

Doyoumind - yes but he would have to go to court though to get permission - is that really worth it. Legally at the moment he needs a letter from the mother saying she is ok with it.

The future relationships are at stake - its not an unreasonable request - to deny it and to start proceedings over this is not the best approach if looking at not only the longer term but the poor child at the heart of it.

Doyoumind · 04/10/2018 13:44

No, I agree court should be avoided. I was just pointing out that the ex doesn't get to decide and if she says no it doesn't mean it's the end of it.

Original poster
FrenchMartiniAhh · 04/10/2018 13:46

The drama is definitely NOT caused by me, that's one thing for sure. I do my best to keep out of their arguments, arrangements and anything else. I work on bettering the relationship with DSD and ensuring she is OK. Her opinion is the only one that matters to me, really.

I can just see her making a negative opinion of me and then stopping us taking her away. It's just not fair.

OP posts:
Original poster
FrenchMartiniAhh · 04/10/2018 13:48

I have offered to meet her before but she declined saying DSD was happy around me and enjoyed being with me and that was enough for her. Then she added and she'd only find something negative to say anyway - that wouldn't change now would it.

OP posts:
newwomannow · 04/10/2018 13:52

Time to be the bigger person.

Quartz2208 · 04/10/2018 13:53

Surely at some point though meeting has to happen - if you are in this for the long haul.

Why not make it now and just end this. if she does come up with another reason then so be it

Doyoumind · 04/10/2018 13:53

She can't stop you from taking her away. You're making a bigger drama out of this than there needs to be because the final decision doesn't need to rest with her.

Tell her you would like to meet her but let her know it's because you think it would be for the child's benefit for you all to get along. Don't treat it as some kind of interview before future arrangments can be agreed. Your DP needs to get tougher with her. Why should DSD miss out on a holiday when she's used to spending time with you and it's only for a week? Legally she doesn't have a leg to stand on.

Original poster
FrenchMartiniAhh · 04/10/2018 13:58

Anyone fancy helping me write a text to her? I probably am over thinking this but she's caused so much stress over the years that I don't trust her intentions, she isn't doing this for her DD

OP posts:
PaleRider1 · 04/10/2018 14:02

I would suggest coffee / lunch somewhere neutral. You, her, your partner and their daughter. Or even a picnic in the park or something?

She's likely to base a negative opinion either way whether you agree to meet up or not.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/10/2018 14:03

Get your DP to arrange a face-to-face meet? Or has she contacted you directly before?

Quartz2208 · 04/10/2018 14:04

honestly I think you should leave that up to your partner. Tell him you are willing to meet her but its up to those two to organise it