Help me with this one...

[FrenchMartiniAhh]

So here's the background (I've been in an amazing relationship with DP for 3 years now and he has a daughter from a previous relationship. He split with his ex due to constant arguments around his DD and he didn't want her being raised in a war zone. I met his DD a year and a half ago and we moved in together in January, I will call her DSD for the purposes of this post as I'm sure I'll get flamed, as we're not married.

Anyway, we get on exceptionally well, in fact she asks for me more than her dad and I make an effort with her. I also accept she and her father need alone time and I give them that. We have her half the week.

When we moved in, I gave her mother the opportunity to meet me as I'm sure it would be hard for her only child to be around another woman and she declined on the basis that her daughter was happy and well looked after in our care. His ex added that she'd find something negative to say regardless of how well I come across. I don't want to drip feed however her mum has done some pretty intrusive things that directly involve me, which makes me want to put my foot down on this issue.

Fast forward to now, DP has asked to take DSD abroad for a week. Originally her reason for saying no was she didn't want her daughter so far away (understandable) DP said tough - now she wants to meet me, am I being unreasonable by telling her no, she had her opportunity and she knows that I ensure that when DSD is in my sole company, she is cared, loved and well looked after. DSD says this herself. As she previously said, she'll only find something negative about me?

I don't want to, I see no reason to now and I don't want to pander to her every request.

Please no flaming, i'm stressed already and i'm trying to do the right thing. I want to help DP and his daughter have the best relationship possible, including holidays - if I don't meet her she may say no?

She texted DP randomly.

"It's time to meet X, sort it"

If I take the kill her with kindness route, would inviting her over to your house, be better?

@Quartz2208 he said he wants me to sort it, he said she's being awkward and he will go with whatever I feel comfortable with

Somewhere neutral yes but not with the DD. Don't drag her into this adult stuff if it could turn nasty.

Our house*

Sorry that is a complete cop out on his behalf - he wants you to sort it and goes along with what you feel comfortable with - maybe that is the reason why they are always so difficult with each other.

But no neutral ground and without the DD there

You should meet her, she's that girl's mother so sorry but the mum's opinion of you does matter also to you.

I also think your DP should sort it with her, not you.

Two sides to every story OP, I bet she has plenty negative to say about him also.

I'd meet her somewhere neutral, be nice and dont get sucked into an argument.

To be honest though, she seems fairly reasonable - satisfied that you are caring for her daughter and that her daughter is happy to be around you.

Your DP needs to sort it out - what a wimp.

Neutral ground and without DSD. Go for a coffee? Meet in a park? Doesn't have to be for long. Is DP going with you or throwing you under the bus?

No her opinion doesn't matter. I have done nothing wrong, I try my best with her daughter and her daughter is content and looked after when in my care. Her daughter had asked for me to go on holiday after I said I would stay at home.

Her mum's opinion doesn't matter to me. Only DSD's.

I would get your DP to suggest meeting for coffee when he is due a handover next & say that you will be there so you can all meet.

I'll suggest a coffee somewhere quiet, without DSD or DP.

Thanks for your help :)

How old is DSD?

I met the ExW. Coffee and every bit of cooperation and friendliness and helpfulness from me didn’t help. The court order did though.

@BobLemon which is exactly the same situation with me, this will only make things worse.

Kill her with kindness, always works. You be the better person in all of this. Good luck, my dsd is 26 now and me and her mum are civil, bloody hard in the beginning when dsd was 4 but I killed that biatch with kindness and it worked!

I think meeting her at your house but might at least make you feel more comfortable, on your own turf so to speak.

Don't rise to any petty bait she might give out; that kind of behaviour is childish and she should be way past that now. When she's gone, just pity her for it.

You know that DSD loves you and wants you to be part of the holiday. Isn't that a great compliment.

How about...

Hi XXX, great that you want to meet. How about coffee at XXX on XXX day at XXX time? x

Dont make the arrangements - tell your DP you are happy to do so but either him or her must do it - that should be the line in the sand you are willing to draw. Otherwise they will both start (and I do mean both) expecting too much of you

You sound really respectful, i wish more partners were. Honestly just meet her! shes probably made you up to be this massive thing in her head. Sometimes its not about giving in but about trying and trying to move forward. If she still says no to your partner taking her on holiday either go to mediation or court. But thats expensive and stressful so you need to try everything else before hand.
Meet somewhere out and about, you both share a love for this little girl, thats what counts.

Definitely meet her. I would have taken something entirely different from her remark; that the situation is hard for her and it's nothing personal. She could feel ready now.

Can someone explain why they think her DP should organise a meeting between two grown women? I can understand a parent organising something for a child, but why would OP need her partner to orchestrate a meeting for her?

Have I missed something?

And OP - this is tough, but as people have said upthread, don't take this as a high-pressure do-or-die situation where the holiday decision is all down to you 'making a good impression'. You sound lovely – be yourself and you'll be fine.

I'd also recommend NOT meeting at your house – just like dates, you want to be able to leave if you need to!

My view is that both her partner and his ex want the meeting to happen so that she is comfortable in allowing the holiday. One or both should be facilitating this for the OP.

If the OP organises it says a lot about how both see her in the relationship as needing to be the person who sorts stuff for everyone and if it goes wrong it is her fault - she is already feeling the pressure of it

I wish I hadn't taken the advice, a unhinged, shouting woman in my face was not what I want nor expected on a Friday PM.

I should have gone with my gut instinct. The mother isn't always right or entitled to meet the "new" girlfriend, despite me not being new anymore.

I only wanted to try and create a better relationship for everyone all round. It's really sad.

Is it worth crying over?

You did right to give it a shot for your DSD's sake OP. What on earth happened?

@Quartz2208 no you're wrong, I don't feel like I have to arrange anything and I frequently take a back seat and have made a lot of assumptions which are untrue, such as "he always goes along with what I want - maybe that's why they argue"

the drama is caused partly by me? Definitely not.

I think you'll have to meet her or look like the villain. Keep it short and sweet and on neutral territory. Don't respond to anything controversial; say you'll think about what she's said and discuss it later with your partner. Maybe even record it on your phone, just in case she lies later? or is that too James Bond! I'd be careful with her, and if it's not just you she wants to meet, take the whole family to dilute the stress! Good luck xxx