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Original poster

Money, new partner, chores, urgh.

41 replies

josephinebonaparted · 04/10/2018 11:46

I’ve been dating a man for a year. I like him a lot, but something just feels uneasy about where we are heading. I’m hoping I can get some advice.

He has separated over a year (decree absolute expected this month) and lives about 100 miles away. Good dad and sees his children. Emotionally open and mature, happy to talk through issues. He’s just started a new job that is about a third of my salary (career change), previously was a high flyer but that contributed to mental health issues and marriage breakdown.

Me: separated 2 years from dad of my only child, never married, but receive a good amount of financial support. I live in an expensive area in a good sized house partly due to ex’s support. I work in a well paid role full time.

When we started dating, he stayed over at mine the odd occasion to begin with, which gradually increased to 2/3/4 nights a week depending on childcare and logistics. We went out for dinner, cooked for each other, all fine.

Now, the job he’s started (only days ago) is based near me, and though I suppose he COULD commute from his house, clearly it would be easier for him to stay at mine on all the nights he doesn’t have his kids. He will obviously continue to rent his house for that purpose.

We should have had the chat before he started. But the whole thing is making me uneasy. I don’t know how he should contribute to bills and food, and what proportion, as 1. I earn much more than him, 2. My child’s dad contributes to my rent (they’ve met but I’m not expecting a friendship anytime soon), 3. At most he’d be here 4 days a week whereas me, my child and nanny are here all the time.

I guess it just feels like he’s moving in and maybe I’m not ready.

What should I do??

OP posts:
Original poster
josephinebonaparted · 04/10/2018 11:49

Oh, on the chores front, I feel like I’m doing the mental load but I do think he’s trying very hard to get better and more proactive (eg writing memos, getting the vacuum out without me mentioning, tidying up kitchen if I’m cooking), but it took a while to get here and it did make me upset that I had to ‘nag’. My ex and dad did no housework at all so I’m both sensitive on this issue and also have no good role models...

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/10/2018 11:53

What do you want to do?

You need to actually sit down and have a conversation.

Set boundaries. Set the boundaries YOU are comfortable with.

Why should he stay with you just because it's closer to his new job? If he is living at your house 60% of the time, he needs to contribute accordingly to bills.

Can he afford to essentially pay 2 rents?

Or is he expecting to stay with you for free?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/10/2018 11:54

If you can't talk to him about this stuff, then you're definitely not ready to move in together.

Original poster
josephinebonaparted · 04/10/2018 11:58

Hi Green, you are right. I feel comfortable that I can have the talk. I feel VERY uncomfortable about how to think about what the fair boundaries are. Do you think he should contribute to my rent (which I would obviously have had to pay anyway), in addition to food/bills (which obviously would be fair)?

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/10/2018 12:11

Yes, I think he should. I understand it may not be a comfortable topic, but would you move in with someone and not expect to contribute?

user1492863869 · 04/10/2018 12:15

I think you should start the conversation from his perspective. He has a job near you and children living 100 miles away. How exactly did he plan on organising his living arrangements to facilitate that. He couldn’t and shouldn’t have relied on you giving him free accommodation 4 nights a week. Because you haven’t had the conversation about living together yet. Before you do, figure out whether it impacts on benefits or any other financial arrangements.

If you want to put a price on it. Find out the cost of rented room, pro rata for the time he is there and charge him that plus about £5 per day for food. If you wanted t9 be generous half the cost of the rented room because you are sharing.

If you decide he is staying for free at your discretion. Tell him that and let him deal with the insecurity.

Godowneasy · 04/10/2018 12:21

It sounds madness for him to have taken a job near you without discussing him staying with you four nights a week- this is practically moving in with you!
I wouldn't like that at all. It's moving in through convenience and not because it's a fully thought through decision from you both.

JuliaJaynes9 · 04/10/2018 12:22

He has deliberately put himself in the situation where he is dependent on your help in order to make his life work, what's in it for you?
It seems like the benefits from this partnership are all flowing in his Direction.
You had to nag him to get him to do any domestic work and you feel as if you are still carrying the mental load?
He should be on his best behaviour acknowledging that he is in your debt and doing everything he can to make a contribution!

RhubarbTea · 04/10/2018 12:27

You're feeling uneasy because you can see he is a cocklodger but don't want to acknowledge that to yourself just yet.

Original poster
josephinebonaparted · 04/10/2018 12:34

I guess I was afraid of that.Confused

What should/would it take from him to not be one, in this situation?

OP posts:
Musti · 04/10/2018 12:43

I'd tell him that you don't want to be living together and that he should buy or rent a property near his work. Then fetch his kids when he sees them.

unexpectednewstart · 04/10/2018 13:32

Hi OP

It's a delicate situation to approach because, from his perspective, he may consider the choice of this job an indication of his feelings and long term intentions for you. However you really shouldn't be rushed just due to logistics and him feeling ready. If you imagined your relationship without the logistics of location, how soon would you want to move in together?

TheFaerieQueene · 04/10/2018 13:41

I would be concerned. He has taken a major drop in salary, but hasn’t made any plans for adapting his lifestyle to accommodate that. He is assuming you are going to let him stay (for free I’ll bet). He discussed the interview process with you, I would imagine, but didn’t mention living situation. That is manipulative. If you say you aren’t ready for this, he is going to throw it back at you. I wouldn’t let him move in. Your ex partner could also decide to cut back on his assistance. He isn’t going to like subsiding an adult male im sure.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 04/10/2018 13:46

How did it get this far without either of you discussing where he'd be living after he took a job 100 miles from his own home but very near to yours?

It doesn't sound like you want him living with you - and that's fine. So FFS shut this down now! Tell him you've been thinking, but you're really not ready to live with anyone else yet.

If that means he dumps you, you've lost nothing.

mydogishot · 04/10/2018 13:48

As he is treating you like an idiot, pretend to be one.

Ask him if he has had his car serviced so it can cope with the commute or ask if he needs help with looking around for a room/flat then when he says "I'll be staying here" the conversation begins....

Stuckforthefourthtime · 04/10/2018 13:49

He took a 2/3 drop in salary and a job 100 miles away from his children because he thought he had found subsidised living. There's nothing wrong with one partner effectively subsidising the other IF it's agreed in advance and works for everyone - bit there is if he's either making assumptions about your relationship, or being an out and out cf. And as others have said, you may be happy for him to be rent free but your ex a bit less so.

What do you want, independent of him? It sounds like you'd prefer him not to move in but feel backed into a corner - and that's a bad sign.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 04/10/2018 13:49

If you're scared to have a deep and meaningful chat, then base it on child support issues. If you live with a partner, your ex will cut the child support and you can't afford to lose them. If he says he can replace that lost money, say you've got a stable arrangement and the moment and don't want to give your ex any opportunity to start dicking around with it.

It sounds like he's had a year washing his own pants and doesn't like it.

I'm sorry, but you've really drafted into something you obviously don't want. Having one awkward conversation now is 100000000x easier than having to get him out of your house later on.

Didiusfalco · 04/10/2018 13:53

This is ringing alarm bells. He’s almost forcing your hand. If you’re not ready to live him, then you just don’t. The terms of this do not sound to your advantage.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 04/10/2018 13:53

If you are too scared to do it for yourself, do it for your dc's sake. It would be very confusing to have him move in then issues come to a head and him move out again 6 months later (or worse, go sour and he stays). Your nanny also might not be thrilled, as it sounds like she's living in.

Hope you can talk about it asap!

Original poster
josephinebonaparted · 04/10/2018 13:57

Thanks for everyone’s input.

Just to clarify, he left his previous job 3 years ago, and had been studying for a career change, which allowed his to gain this new job.

The process from the interview to first day took about 3 weeks, which coincided with a very busy three weeks for me, so there hadn’t been to breathe for me.

I’ve just texted him my concerned and he’s unmediatedly texted back, asked for me to call him, and said he’s willing to draw up a spreadsheet if it helps. Does that make it better?

OP posts:
SnipSnipMisterBurgess · 04/10/2018 14:00

Does a spreadsheet answer the question do you actually want him living with you? Don’t let him argue/buy his way in IF you don’t want it to be a long term arrangement (sounds very soon to me)

LeftRightCentre · 04/10/2018 14:02

What Musti and Julia said. This is moving in by stealth. Who does this especially to someone who has a child involved? Just expect the child to suck it up? No asking permission, establishing it's what you both want, discussing finances (possible affect on your maintenance because if I were your ex and you moved some bloke in, I'd expect him to make up shortfall in rent). Think about it, he applied for this job, interviewed for it, accepted it, knowing he had no place to live there and it's 100 miles from his child! So much for emotionally mature, willing to discuss maturely and openly and good dad Hmm.

Ask yourself this: if you were he, would you have done what he's doing, take a job near your boyfriend and then just expect to effectively move in with him without so much as a by his leave much less a discussion? If the answer is no, then why are you worthy of accepting behaviour you'd never put out in the other direction?

You have a child now, it's time to grow a spine. You don't want this guy living there. He's an adult and responsible for his own living arrangements with respect to his job. You just tell him, 'I'm not ready or willing to have a live-in relationship by stealth. I feel imposed upon and I'm not comfortable with it. I'd like to keep it to a max of 1 or 2 nights a week at mine.'

mydogishot · 04/10/2018 14:02

Spreadsheets are so romantic.

Remember, you were right.

He assumed and now you will cave in due to spreadsheet confidence.

He is now panicking. Good luck.

Original poster
josephinebonaparted · 04/10/2018 14:03

Sorry about the terrible grammar. Fat fingers.

I think I want to see him on the days where both of us want to spend proper time together, with or without our kids. I’m not ready for dealing with an partner who has to stay up late for work or for planning a chores rota.

I guess I’m not ready for a live in partnership, whether with him or anyone.

It’s quite nice to see that laid out, I suppose. But I’m a bit sad too because I think I’m still scarred from my shitty relationship with my ex. Food for thought.

OP posts:
LeftRightCentre · 04/10/2018 14:06

I’ve just texted him my concerned and he’s unmediatedly texted back, asked for me to call him, and said he’s willing to draw up a spreadsheet if it helps. Does that make it better?

Of course it doesn't! You don't want a live in relationship. You have a child! You're bringing in a step-partner. He is manipulating you to serve his own ends and make life easier for him. You've only been seeing him for a year. He's barely lived on his own and is looking for a cozy set up that benefits him.

Give your head a wobble!

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