Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Money, new partner, chores, urgh.

41 replies

josephinebonaparted · 04/10/2018 11:46

I’ve been dating a man for a year. I like him a lot, but something just feels uneasy about where we are heading. I’m hoping I can get some advice.

He has separated over a year (decree absolute expected this month) and lives about 100 miles away. Good dad and sees his children. Emotionally open and mature, happy to talk through issues. He’s just started a new job that is about a third of my salary (career change), previously was a high flyer but that contributed to mental health issues and marriage breakdown.

Me: separated 2 years from dad of my only child, never married, but receive a good amount of financial support. I live in an expensive area in a good sized house partly due to ex’s support. I work in a well paid role full time.

When we started dating, he stayed over at mine the odd occasion to begin with, which gradually increased to 2/3/4 nights a week depending on childcare and logistics. We went out for dinner, cooked for each other, all fine.

Now, the job he’s started (only days ago) is based near me, and though I suppose he COULD commute from his house, clearly it would be easier for him to stay at mine on all the nights he doesn’t have his kids. He will obviously continue to rent his house for that purpose.

We should have had the chat before he started. But the whole thing is making me uneasy. I don’t know how he should contribute to bills and food, and what proportion, as 1. I earn much more than him, 2. My child’s dad contributes to my rent (they’ve met but I’m not expecting a friendship anytime soon), 3. At most he’d be here 4 days a week whereas me, my child and nanny are here all the time.

I guess it just feels like he’s moving in and maybe I’m not ready.

What should I do??

OP posts:

shazkiwi · 04/10/2018 14:07

First of all you need to decide if you want him to move in. If you feel unsure/undecided then that's a no and you don't need any discussion about expenses or drawing up a spreadsheet. If you don't want him to move in just tell him you want to keep things as they are, on a more casual/ad hoc basis for the time being.

zucchinicourgette · 04/10/2018 14:11

It sounds as if the financial aspect is irrelevant really. You don’t want him to move in, basically his new job situation is pushing your relationship faster than you want it to go. I would focus on that and forget the spreadsheet.

dirtybadger · 04/10/2018 14:13

I'm not sure I agree he is manipulating you at all. You haven't discussed it yet, so how can he? If you tell him you only want him to say X number of nights (even if only 1) and he is fine with it- then that's fine. For all you know he might be staying at yours because he wrongly believes it's what you want after a year. Let him know it isn't and then go from there.

HiHoToffee · 04/10/2018 14:15

I guess I’m not ready for a live in partnership, whether with him or anyone.

This is all that matters, listen to your instincts. It is too early in the relationship for you to even consider living together and it wouldn't have crossed your mind if it weren't for this job. Do not let him push you into something you are not ready for. Keep your healthy boundaries. If he is a good one, he will understand and respect your decision.

Musti · 04/10/2018 14:15

You don't want to live with someone so tell him. He should have discussed and made sure you were ok for him to essentially move in. Then there is the issue that you have a child as well as receiving money from your child's father. That could also be affected.

I had an ex who stealthily moved in with me because he left his wife. I'd promised myself not to live with a man again unless I was married and kind of got guilted into it. I wouldn't do that again.

He will present it to you as making perfect practical sense (which it does) but you hadn't agreed to it.

dirtybadger · 04/10/2018 14:15

Also I think if you do want to formally move in together then it does need to be just that- formal. It's always a bit awkward doing chores and housework at what feels like "someone else's" house. Once it feels like your own and you are less of a visitor or guest then both making a mess and cleaning it up (IMO) becomes more natural.

LeftRightCentre · 04/10/2018 14:18

'I don't care for a spreadsheet. I don't want an effective live-in relationship. I'm not ready for it and I don't feel comfortable with it and most of all, I was never asked. I'd like to keep things as they were for now, max of 1-2 nights/week. I have a lot on, my life is really busy and I don't want to move the relationship in that direction now.'

And just message him that.

He wants to call you because he wants to talk you round. He's manipulative. He'll pull up that he's dependent on you and could lose his job and his mental health and blah blah blah. That's exactly what he'll do. But he's an adult whose mental health is his responsibility. Don't be guilt tripped.

'Can we talk about this?'

Think about that. That's a very rich and cheeky thing to ask when he didn't bother talking about moving in with your 4-5 nights/week and now only wants to because you're not the default crash pad. He was perfectly happy not to talk about anything when it suited him.

I wouldn't be impressed with him, tbh. It was fun and casual, as it should be a year in when you both have kids, but this is a pisstake.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 04/10/2018 14:22

Nothing wonderful in the history of love, relationships or marriage ever started with a spreadsheet.

Just listen to yourself! This isn't fear/insecurity/anything left over from your ex. This is YOU, having a lovely life as it is right now, and not wanting another man to move in with you. That might change in the future but right now you're not fancying it. And that's FINE.

mamaslatts · 04/10/2018 14:24

I would be surprised if he was still renting his own place 6 months down the line. You will get the 'there's no point, we are effectively living together anyway'. You will then be a step parent as well. Stick to your guns, its not for you (at the moment) and that is fine. During those 3 weeks was anything really said about him living at yours 3-4 days a week?

Original poster

josephinebonaparted · 04/10/2018 14:29

Nothing wonderful in love started with a spreadsheet!

It’s difficult. I do want to spend a lot of time with him. He said if I need to see less of him that’s absolutely fine, he will commute or work from home on the days I don’t see him. He wants to pay his way and is happy to discuss what that means (via a spreadsheet if necessary), whether he spends 1 or 5 days.

I think the best thing is just to continue having date nights where he can stay the night if he wants, and see each other on weekends.

OP posts:

LeftRightCentre · 04/10/2018 14:31

In that case it's very simple. 'Yes, I'd prefer to keep things as they are with just the weekends.'

Original poster

josephinebonaparted · 04/10/2018 14:31

To his credit I do not think he will give up his other house - it is a home for him and his children when they are there. He’s constantly asking me to visit him or stay with him there, but logistically it’s much more difficult so we see each other at mine. When I have been at his he pays for everything.

OP posts:

Original poster

josephinebonaparted · 04/10/2018 14:32

Thank you all. I think you’ve just made me realise that I just want to stay in the dating stage and that’s perfectly fine. I will insist on just that...

OP posts:

JeSuisPrest · 04/10/2018 14:50

"To his credit I do not think he will give up his other house - it is a home for him and his children when they are there."

Which he will be more than happy for you to subsidise by staying with you rather than:

(a) Giving up that house and finding a permanent base nearer work
OR
(b) Commuting 100 miles

Stay resolute that you want to keep things as they are and you don't want to live with him - as a PP said - he's moving in by stealth.

JuliaJaynes9 · 04/10/2018 17:32

he’s willing to draw up a spreadsheet
this is begging the question...it assumes that part time co-habitation is a given and you just need work out the details.

He said if I need to see less of him that’s absolutely fine, he will commute or work from home on the days I don’t see him
It is common to assume that people in a relationship will just naturally more towards living together, he doesnt seem to realise that you are not in the market for that.
He is has set up a situation in which if you decide you dont want him staying at yours you will be making his life extra difficult because the 'normal/natural/conventional' thing to do is co habit, to seek out a domestic partnership

Hopoindown31 · 04/10/2018 18:32

Just be honest with him about what you want and his reaction will tell you whether this relationship is right for you. You don't need to over worry or be suspicious of his behaviour, just be clear what you want.

Flip

1 2