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Original poster

Split parenting driving me mad

49 replies

XscoutX · 04/10/2018 11:27

My DD is coming up three and her dad and I have been separated over a year now. We went through a difficult period but now things are more settled and we are civil and keep in touch regularly. He is a good dad on the whole, to avoid court I agreed we would have split care, so we have her a week each, but after the year she will start nursery so things will all be changing anyway.
Everyone tells me a week is too long and I’m not sure if it contributes to my problem.
It took a week for me to potty train DD and she did excellent. Her dad agreed to follow on when she was with him and for a while everything was fine. A few months on however, whenever she comes home she is wetting herself constantly and it takes the whole week to get back into her routine of going to the toilet, only for her then to leave and return again a week later starting all over again. Her dad says she has the occasional accident there too, I’m not sure whether he is just putting a nappy on her for convenience (he’s lazy) or if it’s just coming back and forth that is effecting her.
Not just this (sorry this is getting long) but he also insists on visiting his grandmother with her when the woman is constantly ill. DD comes home and has a cold every other week, my other daughter who is at school catches it, my mum who has health problems catches it and I always get it too- her dad never catches anything. I know it’s normal for LO’s to get sick but it has become so regular I’ve had her at the GP to make sure there isn’t a defect in her imune system.
He won’t admit to any of this, but without fail it’s whenever he has had her.
She is also much cheekier/hitting/tantrums when she comes home and as he lives with his mum and dad I think she probably gets away with a lot more.
I have spoke to him about all of this but denial and lies are his expertise.
Sorry to go on but would appreciate if anyone can think of anything else I can do as it’s becoming growingly frustrating and not fair to my daughter.

OP posts:

ArnoldBee · 04/10/2018 11:32

I think some of your reasoning is slightly flawed. For example children are germ bombs until about the age of 6. Viruses are often hanging around in the body for 2-3 weeks before symptoms arise and once she goes to nursery she will be constantly ill anyway. Potty training is always one step forward 2 steps back so I wouldn't hold that against him either! I think you're unhappy with the situation and be honest about it.

Original poster

XscoutX · 04/10/2018 12:04

Not sure what you mean about being honest about it, if I wasn’t happy with him having her a week I wouldn’t have agreed to it.
And of course young children are prone to viruses, however I don’t think that it is necessary to knowingly expose them to germs- his grandmother is in and out of hospital, has chest infections all the time and heavily smokes in front of DD. She has been in hospital twice suffering with a constant cough.
I guess I’ve never had the back and forth where potty training has been concerned, I’ve had it very easy with mine. Just confuses me why she seems to regress only when after transitioning between homes and at all other times is great. It wasn’t even me that linked the two, it was my HV who pointed out there could be something we are doing differently that is confusing her.

OP posts:

Shambu · 04/10/2018 12:07

I think one week here one week there would be incredibly confusing for a 3 year old.

Singlenotsingle · 04/10/2018 12:13

Not a good idea to have one week here and one there. She's confused and the potty training is the first thing to go. And letting her spend time with someone who smokes heavily is a complete no-no! No wonder she gets coughs and colds!

Original poster

XscoutX · 04/10/2018 12:30

He won’t agree to any other time schedule, this is what suits him and his family. If we went to court I would end up with full custody and likely he would only see her at weekends- he works from 4-10 and during this time it’s his mother who looks after DD and I’m pretty sure courts would favour me over granny. But I know this would cause a lot of resentment and the relationship we have built up would once again break down. I come from a broken home and it was never good between my own parents, I don’t want this for DD.
I have begged him not to visit his grandmother or at least do it outside, but he doesn’t take any notice and I can smell smoke off her even when he says they haven’t been to her house.
I’m also not sure if it would (if I could somehow get him to agree) be better for DD if we did a three or four day rotation as this seems like it would mix her up too.

OP posts:

user1499173618 · 04/10/2018 12:33

I think court might provide some well needed perspective as to what would be best for your DD rather than what suits her parents.

Singlenotsingle · 04/10/2018 13:02

It's not a case of what suits him and his family! It's what suits DD that's important, and this obviously doesn't! Let him take it to court

ArnoldBee · 04/10/2018 14:36

Spending time with a heavy smoker is a different kettle of fish and is extremely detrimental to your Dd's long term health.
Could you not consider half a week each as an experiment?

PaleRider1 · 04/10/2018 14:47

If he's not even looking after her on the weeks she is with her father then what is the point of her going for a full week?

That's not really 50/50 parenting is it? It's him going to work and leaving his parents to look his daughter.

Adora10 · 04/10/2018 14:53

I think she is confused buy the week here and week there; no consistency.

I'd only let him see her at weekends and perhaps the occasional week day maybe around nursery holidays etc.

As for the smoking, terrible, and he is lazy, he sounds shit, assume he showers her in love though?

I guess it's a situation that will probably always frustrate you, sharing the care of a wee person you both love and want to be with.

NewGrandad · 04/10/2018 15:00

@Adora

I'd only let him see her at weekends and perhaps the occasional week day maybe around nursery holidays etc.

Why?

Adora10 · 04/10/2018 15:04

At 3 years old I think living in two separate dwellings every other week is too much for a child that age; that's exactly why she comes back with loads of issues; I also would not want her there for a week breathing in heavy tobacco smoke, esp after repeatedly asking him to not expose her to this; she has no choice!

OP says he is lazy too, I'd rather she was in a more stimulating environment for that amount of time. Perhaps not every weekend but I would be looking to reduce the amount of time she was spending there.

LusaCole · 04/10/2018 15:11

To be honest, OP, you can talk yourself blue in the face and he's very unlikely to make any serious changes (as you have found). So that leaves you with three options:

Leave things as they are, and accept that this is the reality of shared parenting
Talk to him and try and get him to agree to a different set-up. Maybe approach him with different possible solutions that would work better for you and see if you can reach a compromise.
Take him to court.

adaline · 04/10/2018 15:14

I'd only let him see her at weekends and perhaps the occasional week day maybe around nursery holidays etc.

Would you be happy to only see your 3yo at weekends and on the occasional day in the week?

Adora10 · 04/10/2018 15:27

No but if I was breaking the rules of the set up I'd not exactly be shocked if they were then reduced.

NewGrandad · 04/10/2018 15:43

@Adora10

I also would not want her there for a week breathing in heavy tobacco smoke,

The grandmother isn't there all the time he visits her.

Original poster

XscoutX · 04/10/2018 15:51

I find it hard to think of it as ‘letting him see her’ because she isn’t only mine and I want him to be as involved in her life as possible, it is difficult to judge when the pros outweigh the cons of us splitting her care.
But he doesn’t listen, has different parenting styles than me and yes is very lazy. DD comes back with overgrown filthy nails (similar to his own) rashes on her body (she has eczema and he allows her to wash her face with hand soap) and she has severe attitude changes the first day or so she is back.
Often she will also cry that she doesn’t want to go which really breaks my heart, but usually she is fine once she’s with him and as I say, I find it hard to say “this is the way it should be” when I consider us still as equal.
With regards to the smoke, even if she was only going at weekends I don’t know how I can stop them from taking her to granny’s house.

OP posts:

Adora10 · 04/10/2018 15:55

Sorry OP, I agree it's not letting him, bad choice of words, she is his daughter too.

But your recent update, nah, not a chance, it sounds like she is being neglected and not receiving a good balanced up bringing; I'd have to at least cut that contact, maybe it will wake him up a bit.

They all sound incredibly selfish, what is hard about not smoking around her, ffs, go outside, up stairs, anywhere not near her.

safetyfreak · 04/10/2018 16:19

You list all the reasons you are concerned about your daughter behaviour and welfare when she is at her father house. They are all reasonable concerns and I understand why you are worried.

However, you then say you do not want full custody and for him to have her less so where do you stand here?

From what you said, you having full time custody with him having the weekends sounds like the best choice.

If he refuses to co parent with you, this includes potty training and keeping her away from smoking etc then there not much else you can do but have full time custody.

A 50-50 split is not always the best fit for a child and can be detrimental to their development.

Singlenotsingle · 04/10/2018 16:32

Tbh, it's beginning to sound as though OP doesn't want her DD more than half time because she can't be arsed. Even if this situation is unhealthy and unsettling for the little girl !

Original poster

XscoutX · 04/10/2018 17:06

It’s a lot to think about and and as I say difficult to judge when enough is enough. I often think I’m maybe just being too niggily then other times it frustrates me to no end and the things that are important and the things that don’t matter as much become kind of muddled up. I try at all costs to avoid confrontation as I had this experience growing up and it was just awful.
To the person who said I can’t be arsed....not sure what to say to that except that it’s a poorly made judgment when you don’t at all know me and that I already have another daughter at home. Have all the time in the world for my girls, but I can’t justify why a woman should have sole care and dads should be ‘weekend dads’ if that’s not what both parents want.......

OP posts:

Adora10 · 04/10/2018 17:08

You sound a pretty caring and concerned parent to me OP, but honestly I'd not have a 3 year old confused and upset like that, also her not wanting to go would worry me too; you have every right to cut down the contact he is having, he is not being a good parent.

Veganfortheanimals · 04/10/2018 17:10

I'm shocked you have agreed to this....how on earth is that in your child's best interest? She needs to be home with her mum and sister ,and just visiting dad eow.no wonder her behaviour is bad.she won't know where her home is,or where she belongs

Veganfortheanimals · 04/10/2018 17:14

You are putting the rights of your ex ahead of the rights of your child..she has the right to sleep in her own bed in her own home most of the time..how awfully confusing for her..I went through something similar as a much older child andit fucked me up a lot as a teen I was a mess .so I speek from experience x

Thebluedog · 04/10/2018 17:14

I think you need to concentrate more on what’s best for your dc, than keeping the peace with your ex.

Personally I think that, although it makes life a lot easier splitting custody 50/50 for the parents, it is very confusing for younger dc.

Dc require stability, routine and attachement to a primary career. This is very difficult to achieve if their location and secure, home changers.. You may find that you do have the more challenging behaviour from your dc, as they feel more secure with you. The more secure they feel, the more likely the challenging behaviour will surface, because they feel secure enough that they can act up, wet the bed etc.

It also sounds like your ex doesn’t actually do 50% if the caring, but his parents do. If this is the case your dc actually has 3 sets of relationships and carers which will be even more confusing. No matter how much you try and work together, everyone has different parenting styles.

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