Split parenting driving me mad

[XscoutX]

My DD is coming up three and her dad and I have been separated over a year now. We went through a difficult period but now things are more settled and we are civil and keep in touch regularly. He is a good dad on the whole, to avoid court I agreed we would have split care, so we have her a week each, but after the year she will start nursery so things will all be changing anyway.
Everyone tells me a week is too long and I’m not sure if it contributes to my problem.
It took a week for me to potty train DD and she did excellent. Her dad agreed to follow on when she was with him and for a while everything was fine. A few months on however, whenever she comes home she is wetting herself constantly and it takes the whole week to get back into her routine of going to the toilet, only for her then to leave and return again a week later starting all over again. Her dad says she has the occasional accident there too, I’m not sure whether he is just putting a nappy on her for convenience (he’s lazy) or if it’s just coming back and forth that is effecting her.
Not just this (sorry this is getting long) but he also insists on visiting his grandmother with her when the woman is constantly ill. DD comes home and has a cold every other week, my other daughter who is at school catches it, my mum who has health problems catches it and I always get it too- her dad never catches anything. I know it’s normal for LO’s to get sick but it has become so regular I’ve had her at the GP to make sure there isn’t a defect in her imune system.
He won’t admit to any of this, but without fail it’s whenever he has had her.
She is also much cheekier/hitting/tantrums when she comes home and as he lives with his mum and dad I think she probably gets away with a lot more.
I have spoke to him about all of this but denial and lies are his expertise.
Sorry to go on but would appreciate if anyone can think of anything else I can do as it’s becoming growingly frustrating and not fair to my daughter.

Has he said whether she has accidents at his? I'm wondering if she is unsettled with a week at each location and maybe she has accidents all week at his house and he doesn't know how to handle them? If he's out every evening at work there's two people really then trying to address it, perhaps in different ways. So it may not be until she comes home to you (assuming you are with her all day - apologies if that's not correct) which is perhaps why you are then successful in getting her back on track? Then in a week she's back at his and so the cycle starts again?

I'm just trying to think how I would feel spending a week in one place then a week in another all the time, not sure really but I'm not sure I'd feel in a routine really. Maybe it's different for children though, I don't know, just something to consider. Good luck.

Sorry OP but this is not accept what you and your ex "want". This is about what your child needs.

I agree with others that a week here and a week there is too confusing for a 3 year old. Which is her home?

It makes it even worse if the 3 yo's sister gets to stay at home with mum all the time.

Have all the time in the world for my girls, but I can’t justify why a woman should have sole care and dads should be ‘weekend dads’ if that’s not what both parents want...…

This is not about if your a woman or a man, it is about the fact that you sound like the more competent and stable parent in your daughter life. This is about her welfare, not about "what is fair to the parents"

You may enjoy your week off but is this arrangement beneficial to your three year old daughter? there is nothing wrong with 'weekend dads' btw, my DD has a 'weekend dad' and they have a good relationship.

I am wondering why you have posted on here? what advice did you expect to get?

Adora10 thank you very much for your understanding comments and good advice.
My thing as I said has always to be fair and it wasn’t at all only with the interests of my ex or myself in mind, but I wanted my DD to have a strong relationship with her dad first and foremost.
However saying that, thank you for all the persepective. Me and her dad live 30 miles away from each other and neither of us drive meaning a two hour bus haul for DD every time she travels between homes, which is another reason I seen it better than carting her about every few days or such.

I don’t particularly enjoy a week off from my youngest tbh, around day three I’m missing her terriblly and texting her dad constantly.
With my first I went back to work quickly and felt as though I missed a lot. This time I enjoy and cherish our time together knowing she will quickly grow up :(
Not by any means do I mean that weekend dads are bad dads, just my own experience that wasn’t great.
I will speak to him tomorrow thank you all

You say she struggles for a day or two when she's back with you - do you know whether she similarly struggles for the first day or two at her dad's?

Her dad says she wets herself the whole week she’s there and he is more likely to laugh at bad behaviour than anything. She is very endearing, but obviously this will only encourage it.
I’ve just text him saying politely that I think it’s time for a change with her routine and he’s started already. Last time we fell out he threatened not to give her over to me

If you can’t sort this amicably is get a solicitor on board and take this to court. For now don’t respond unless he’s calm and willing to discuss the situation like a sensible adult

Last time we fell out he threatened not to give her over to me

Time to keep her with you pending mediation or him taking you to court.

Write down your concerns and send them to him. Even if you can change the arrangement until she's fully potty trained it will be better.

You need to stress to him that it's in her best interests and that you've noticed these things after the week with him.

She is just a baby. How can you hand her over for a week? He can't even drive let alone look after a tiny little girl. She should be with her mother and big sister not being packed off to go through this unsettling ridiculous rubbish.

Even though 50:50 is encouraged more now in courts, it rarely is for young children because its so unsettling for them. Shorter, more frequent periods are better for little ones.

You sound too worried about keeping the peace. Get annoyed instead that he is not doing the right thing by your daughter. He's had his chance and he is not looking after her properly.

Children have a right to a relationship with both parents yes, but this doesnt mean they have to be split down the middle. Right now, she's a toddler and all she needs is to feel safe and secure. She can spend more time at her dads when she is older.

She clearly doesnt feel safe and secure. That is more important then him getting his share.

Her main base needs to be with the person who loojs after her prooerly. If you both want her to spend more time with her dad, one of you needs to learn to drive or move closer. This arrangement is not fair on her.

This is ridiculous. Don’t hand her over again and let him take it to court. What happens when she starts school? This week on and week off isn’t going to work then is it? It’s best to go firm now with a “this isn’t working so we need to re-evaluate” than trying to do it when school is imminent. Ignore the tantrums (from him). It’s what’s in the best interest of the child. He doesn’t drive so how are school pick ups going to work? She can’t go to two schools and she can’t be getting up at 6 every morning to do a 2 hour commute to school. No court would agree to that. Go see a solicitor, don’t hand her over to him until you have got a proper sensible arrangement in place. It’s going to have to be your house for full time custody with her going to them every other weekend. You live too far apart for any other sensible plan

Thank you all so much for your messages and advice. It was with good intentions that this all started and I thought I was doing the right thing by splitting care until I noticed the effects it has had on her. I needed some perspective before I acted on anything, as I knew he was likely to argue and I didn’t want to end up feeling defeated and as though my points where invalid. It’s difficult to distinguish whether what I’ve felt/noticed is because I’m not exactly his biggest fan or whether all this was really a cause for concern that other people would stop too.
I would hate for her not to see him at all if it ended up going to court, but if we can’t reach an agreement it looks like it’s the only option to make sure DDs best interests are kept in mind.
Thank you sincerely to the people who commented with good advice and sympathy and I applaud those who where judgmental and harsh-you must all be perfect parents x

Her dad says she wets herself the whole week she’s there and he is more likely to laugh at bad behaviour than anything
***

This is very worrying. All I can say again is put your daughter welfare first. If he wants to take you to court, let him!

If you feel he will not give you your daughter back after a visit, stop all contact until you get an court order. You cannot let him have the control. Put a stop to it now.

Cross posted. Glad you seen the light OP!

Haha thank you safetyfreak.
Don’t suppose anyone knows the law on this kind of thing when it comes to taking a child on holiday per chance? Should really be in a different thread but don’t want to start a new one after this and struggling to find info online.
According to her dad I need permission and consent to take DD on holiday?

No worries if no one answers just curious if anyone has heard of this as seems strange.
Thanks again x

XscoutX assuming he is on her birth certificate he can object. I was told by a solicitor that I can take DD abroad for 28 days without her father's permission but I am not sure if that is because he doesn't see her.

OP what did you think the responses would be like? We aren't being judgemental and harsh it's just that your situation is so incredulous that it's difficult not to be shocked.

OP, do you mean taking her on holiday abroad or in the UK? You do need his consent to take her abroad. Not sure about the UK though.

I work with a child psychologist and I remember having a discussion with her about this exact scenario. Basically, kids at this age and stage of development need stability and it’s anxiety-provoking not to have a single settled base.

I've been in your position and it was alternative weekends from the start.
My daughter developed a good relationship with her dad.

As a child I would have hated living in 2 places.

I know you don't want your daughter to go through what you did.

But your DD needs a secure permanent base point - with you and her sister.

Don't feel guilty about putting your daughter first.

Your ex is at work most of his week with her there anyway.

I don't think any of these posts have been harsh - just very supportive of your daughter.

Laughing at wetting her self ?
Dirty finger nails?
Smelling of smoke ?

Poor kid.

She needs you.
Please don't feel guilty about protecting her from this.

Good luck x

I think byou need it more time. Kids at that age go through a lot of regression and that will happen through various stages of their lives even without 50/50 care arrangement

My DD was potty trained at 2, doing very well for 6 months and then started to have accidents. It wasn't because of trauma, more that she got more engrossed into things and lost the excitement of going to the toilet. She had accidents for a long time, longer than her friends but they eventually stopped and it hasn't stopped her turn onto a very well balanced child and then teenager.

Accidents, tantrums etc... are part of being 3yo, her going through doesn't justify going through yet another change and seeing less of her dad. Have you thought of the mental impact that she might be the one missing him if you reverted to having her more?

**Accidents, tantrums etc... are part of being 3yo, her going through doesn't justify going through yet another change and seeing less of her dad. Have you thought of the mental impact that she might be the one missing him if you reverted to having her more?
-this post explains some of why I was unsure what to do in the first place.
And to whomever asked, I would say that assuming I just ‘couldn’t be arsed looking after my daughter’ was a rather harsh comment. I also thanked everyone who was supportive and helpful though.