Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New relationship. I’m being a mug here aren’t I?

26 replies

LimoncelloOnIce · 03/10/2018 20:20

Four months ago I met a guy online. He was so keen to start with and we went on some lovely dates. He really put the effort in and we had some great times together. In the beginning he showered me with compliments constantly and said I was exactly what he was looking for. He told me very on that he had been hurt repeatedly in the past and that he has had a difficult life,
Which gets brought up a lot (red flag?)

Since then we’ve fallen into a pattern of going to each other’s houses, having dinner and usually having sex (when he wants to have sex). we do sometimes go out for breakfast or lunch at the weekend but there’s never any motivation from his side to go out and do something fun like we did in the beginning. It’s been like this for a month now and he just says he’s short of money at the moment.

He sends me gushy texts still but he’s started calling me several times during the day to offload his problems. He’s having a hard time at work and he’s got into the habit of moaning to me. Since I’ve been with him he has changed jobs twice as he didn’t like his work colleagues. I’m bored of listening to the same old shit everyday. There is always some sort of problem in his life. Towards the end of the conversation he will ask how I am and without fail as soon as I’ve talked for a bit he’ll make an excuse to end the call, something like ‘tell you what, you can tell me all about that when I see you.’ Sometimes when he calls me he’ll be in a bad mood and say it’s because he’s having a shit day, I feel like a therapist. I’ve stopped answering a lot of his calls and explained I don’t have time for it.

Whenever I go to his house it’s like he’s stopped making effort with his appearance. Hes always in old clothes whereas in the beginning he dressed so smart and smelt nice. He sat next to me on the sofa at the weekend picking out clumps of nose hair Hmm I mean isn’t this supposed to be the honeymoon period? I always make myself look nice when I see him but he dresses like a tramp and doesnt seem to care When we first started dating he used to say “wow you look lovely” or something when he saw me but those sort of compliments are getting fewer and fewer.

I thought this was all a sign he was going off but he’s since announced he wants me to be the mother of his children! I mean, what the hell is going on here?!

The positives are that we have a really good laugh together, he is funny, he can be very affectionate and sweet. In the beginning I thought he was fab but I’m starting to feel like a mug. I deserve more than this don’t i?

OP posts:
ContessasGulagSpaDay · 03/10/2018 20:22

Oh god. You're not being a mug at all, you sound very clear sighted. Get out now!

Babdoc · 03/10/2018 20:24

It sounds like he was love bombing you to draw you in and get you hooked. Now he thinks he doesn’t need to bother any more, and is showing his true colours.

bluetrampolines · 03/10/2018 20:25

Yip. This is his best effort.

EdWinchester · 03/10/2018 20:26

You're only a mug if you stay.

Get out!

Angelf1sh · 03/10/2018 20:28

You’ve had the best you’re going to get from him and now you’re seeing the rest of your life. If you don’t like it, break it off asap.

stripeszebra · 03/10/2018 20:28

You are not a mug
Think seriously if you want to stay in the relationship any longer and leave if you want

Original poster
LimoncelloOnIce · 03/10/2018 20:28

Ah babdoc I thought I may have been love bombed. Can’t believe I fell for that shit.

OP posts:
UserMillionBillion · 03/10/2018 20:29

He's making no effort. He isn't scared of losing you then.

twilightsaga · 03/10/2018 20:30

Oh god can you really live with this for the rest of your life

Beaverhausen · 03/10/2018 20:31

Sorry to say this but he sounds horrid.

You need make a swift exit at the next turning. Good luck, he sounds like an unflushable and a potential leech, well emotionally he already is.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 03/10/2018 20:32

JFC

Walk. And walk far.

You’ve not been taken for a mug, you’re the exact opposite, realising this is a wrong ‘un pronto

Original poster
LimoncelloOnIce · 03/10/2018 20:33

A couple of weeks ago I said I was having doubts about where this was heading and he immediately bucked up his ideas and took me out for dinner, promised he would show me how much I mean to him, told me to give him a month and he will prove how much he likes me. He was begging me not to leave him and gave me some BS about how every woman has always left him or cheated on him and he can’t bear for me to walk away from him too.

Well that didn’t last long Hmm I need to let this one go.

OP posts:
Sethis · 03/10/2018 20:34

Some people are just shit at life.

They don't improve.

Get out.

Original poster
LimoncelloOnIce · 03/10/2018 20:34

beaverhausen unflushable is a great word to describe him Grin

OP posts:
CottonTailRabbit · 03/10/2018 20:35

Of course he wants you to be the mother of his children, he is finding that you are OK with him behaving terribly. Result for him. Easy life. Doesn't even have to pretend to like you enough to offer an ear and support never mind actual effort to impress you.

BeUpStanding · 03/10/2018 20:35

Yep, he's no keeper. The relationship has run it's course and it's time to get out.

Thebluedog · 03/10/2018 20:36

Well he’s had his month hasn’t he... time to move on

kikashi · 03/10/2018 20:37

Run and don't look back. He will suck the life out of you. He's annoying you at this stage, it'll just get worse. He will always blame everyone else and every situation but himself and you will be the main whipping boy. He wants to offload to you but doesn't reciprocate , he's putting no effort into having fun and showing you you are cherished.

You know your instincts and your growing annoyance are right. RUN

SandyY2K · 03/10/2018 20:43

Now you see why he the other women leave him.

If he wants a therapist...he needs to pay for one.

The begging is so unattractive.

Tell him it's not working for you and wish him well for the future.

Get rid.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 03/10/2018 22:21

Of course he wants to marry you: he wants care and attention and mothering on tap. He wants someone he can lean on, so he doesn't have to grow up. He does not want a partner, an equal, someone he can listen to, speak with, support.

You know exactly what to do, OP.

Lindy2 · 03/10/2018 22:31

He's changed his job twice on just 4 months?
That's very unusual and rather worrying. Being a bit scruffy at home I could probably overlook in a long term relationship if everything else was great, however, constant moaning, not listening to what you have to say, problems holding down a job/ getting on with colleagues, not going out on proper dates etc all within the first 4 months is definitely not great.

Katgurl · 03/10/2018 22:39

You're not being a mug. He sounds unfortunately for him quite useless and u attractive and now that you are getting to see his true personality you are understandably going off him.

Dump him. You don't like him.

PreggyPeggy · 03/10/2018 22:43

If you stay with him, as the relationship progresses, this will annoy you more and more and will undoubtedly cause arguments.

You don’t want what he can offer, and quite rightly so. You absolutely deserve more. Never ever settle for less than you deserve. Get out now while it’s still early, you’ll look back in a couple of months time and be thankful that you did Flowers

Sarahlou63 · 03/10/2018 22:46

Well done for being clear-sighted and not making excuses for the twattish behaviour. Block and move on - do not look back!!!

yummumto3girls · 03/10/2018 22:47

He is acting like this after only 4 months, imagine what he would be like after years together. People like him will always have a drama in their lives, will always be someone else’s fault - leave now, it won’t get any better!