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Original poster

Run for hills or take it slow and see...

35 replies

Maltropp · 03/10/2018 16:32

Confused about my relationship. Been dating a bloke I met on Pof for a month - I have 3 DC's and am 5 years out of a relationship with their DF.

He's ten years older than me, has had no prior long term relationships (party due to having a job where he was on the road for 7 months of the year for 20 years, partly due to having some sexual disfunction resulting from a spinal cord injury - this left him infertile) and no kids. His last sexual relationship of any kind was 5 years ago.

The sex "issue" is not problematic for me, he's open and honest about it and our sex life is most enjoyable.

He pursued me, he initiates most of our dates but he's very content in himself and may be the eternal batchelor. Has a busy and interconnected life, often hooking up with old uni mates and their families. When we are not together he's not a great texter and we may go a day or two without contact but we always have the next date set up and have not been longer than a week without seeing each other, it's normally only 4 days or so. We stay over with each other but dates are not just about leaping into bed... We go out for meals, cinema, play pool etc. and have spent a weekend together just doing normal things.

He always wants to see me again but he's not one for compliments and never says "you look nice", we've had no conversation about dating or being exclusive (but neither of us are seeing anyone else). He's just gone off for a week overseas to pursue a hobby with a bunch of his old uni mates (all married with families). He's told me all his movements for the next two weeks and we've an evening date and a free weekend together lined up for when he's back.

He didn't ask at all what I'll be up to in his absence though so he seems a little disinterested but he remembers tiny details about convos we've had and brings them up (in a good way) and remembers my likes and dislikes. He has not told his close friends that he's seeing anyone and our relationship has not yet involved meeting any of either of our friends. He will likely text whilst away every couple of days to ask what I've been up to.

I can't decide if he's just not that into me, an eternal batchelor or totally unused to relationships... He claimed on his dating profile to be looking for love and a relationship.

I like him very much but can't work out if I'm just lining myselfup for a world of heartbreak.

Would you pick up on the red flags and run or bide time and see what happens?

OP posts:
category12 · 03/10/2018 16:39

What red flags?

He sounds nice. He sounds consistent.

What's the particular worry?

AwkwardAsAllGetout · 03/10/2018 16:41

If you’ve only known each other a month it sounds fine. I’d be wary of anyone wanting to jump right into a huge commitment and being in each other’s pockets all the time so quickly. It’s good that you each have your own lives

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 03/10/2018 16:45

He sounds fine to me. Sincere and open. He's not very accustomed to women, but I'd rather have a man who doesn't pay compliments than one who pays a lot of slick ones.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 03/10/2018 16:45

It's early days and he obviously has a full life, if you are also busy doing your own thing when not together what is the problem?

Haireverywhere · 03/10/2018 16:49

Does be ever ask you questions about your life? Interests etc? If you like compliments and he never gives them will this bother you? I think a red flag is confusion. If you were happy with the pace (which seems reasonable to me) and everything else felt good, why would you feel confused? That suggests you are picking up on something. What that is, I don't know. Does it feel like he's interested in casual dating only? Would he be bothered if you were dating other men? It could be that he doesn't want a relationship with you really but it is too soon to tell I think.

SueDunome · 03/10/2018 16:57

Presumably he had this trip organised before you met? I think he sounds very keen, but is probably trying to not scare you off.
Enjoy it and good luck, he sounds lovely to me.

Original poster
Maltropp · 03/10/2018 17:00

Thank you. I have a very busy and full life too - makes dating bloody tricky. My RL friends are keen to tell me that there must be something wrong with him given his lack of relationship history (but of course they are unaware of the sexual disfunction issue)... I guess I'm just wondering if it will ever move beyond once or twice weekly dates and odd weekends as longer term I would like more.... I gotta just roll with it for now.

Helpful replies thank you. He has sent lovely messages today, I would just like to feel a little more that I was kinda important to him, at the mo I'm not sure if he'd be remotely fussed if I vanished he'd just plod on with his batchelor existence.

I would just like to get to a state of feeling secure in the relationship or cut my losses before I get in deeper and leave myself vulnerable to heart break. But I guess relationships are about making oneself vulnerable....

Yes he asks all about me, recommends books and films and music endlessly, is always prompt/early for dates, wants to know every detail of my family, shares what he's up to when he does communicate etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Maltropp · 03/10/2018 17:01

Yes trip long pre planned and I knew about it before we met for our first date.

OP posts:
legolimb · 03/10/2018 17:06

I see no problem. You've only been dating for a month which is no time at all

Seems much better to me than a guy who is full on from the outset.

DianaT1969 · 03/10/2018 17:08

How old is he OP? That might be a factor in whether he'll ever want to be in a mre serious relationship (shared home/finances/holidays).
The batchelor thing sounds similar to someone I dated. Is his hobby golf? I felt that he'd be happy playing golf and lightly dating a string of women than settling with one. But he was great company, kind and interesting.
Yours sounds lovely for 1 month in. Not too intense and definitely respectful and interested.
Does yours still travel 7 months of the year?

category12 · 03/10/2018 17:09

It's only a month in tho? I'm kinda surprised that you think you should be seeing each other loads more.

AnyFucker · 03/10/2018 17:14

Only a month in ?

Slow down, for Christs sake

Branleuse · 03/10/2018 17:14

i think it sounds ok if youre alright with the sex thing. Just see how it goes

Original poster
Maltropp · 03/10/2018 17:16

He 's mid 50's. He plays golf very very occasionally it's not an active hobby, he doesn't have a club membership or anything. He's off at the mo acting as pit crew for a friends car racing hobby. He is indeed very interesting, he's incapable of lying as well. We both have our own homes and are solvent and he knows I would not consider living with anyone until about the 5 year mark.

He gave up the travelling job last winter and is currently freelancing.

OP posts:
Haireverywhere · 03/10/2018 17:17

Based on your updates then it sounds fine to me. You can't expect to feel secure, you're not, you've just started dating!

There's no way of knowing yet if he'll stay a bachelor.

Original poster
Maltropp · 03/10/2018 17:17

I don't think we should be seeing each other more at all at this stage.... Just doubting whether there's legs or if is just a casual thing....

OP posts:
Original poster
Maltropp · 03/10/2018 17:19

Thanks again for the perspective, I think I'm partly crap at dating having not really had much old experience after a 20 odd year relationship

OP posts:
Haireverywhere · 03/10/2018 17:19

No one is incapable of lying. Some people just choose not to. Don't kid yourself but relax and enjoy dating for now I think. He knows you want a relationship.

DianaT1969 · 03/10/2018 17:21

He sounds good. Happy dating!

Musti · 03/10/2018 17:24

He sounds ace to me . Enjoy

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 03/10/2018 17:27

Can't see a problem in anything you've said, and I'm not picking up that you aren't important to him. He isn't needy, which is a good thing, right? Maybe your friends are being over-protective and looking for problems where none exist. I would enjoy it and see what happens!

category12 · 03/10/2018 17:28

Well, you said "guess I'm just wondering if it will ever move beyond once or twice weekly dates and odd weekends as longer term I would like more..."? Which suggests you think it should be more full on.

It's only a month, he keeps in touch, he doesn't flake on you, he is interesting and says lovely things in text (yet not compliments? Confused) and the sex is good (if not piv).

Overall, I think you're overthinking it and should relax and enjoy it, instead of wondering "what next" all the time. I understand that it feels insecure after being in a long term relationship, but you need to ride it out. In a few months time, if it's the same then there's something wrong, but it sounds like it's going well so far to me.

HalfDutchGirl · 03/10/2018 17:29

Maltropp well this is weird, it could well that had written a lot of what is in your post!

A lot of what you put is exactly the same for me, I've been seeing a guy for 2 months ish, only get to see him every week because of his work and homelife commitments and he also is about to go on holiday again and so I too am having exactly the same thoughts and insecurities as you! He doesn't send cute lovely messages all the time but, again, like you, always instigates are time together etc etc.

I've realised that I, like you, have to slow down a bit, enjoy the time we spend together and not look too far into the future. Who knows where the relationship will go - enjoy it!

DownTownAbbey · 03/10/2018 17:29

What do you mean he's incapable of lying? Has he told you that? Up until that he seemed pretty much great. He hasn't banged on about the fact he never cheats has he?

HalfDutchGirl · 03/10/2018 17:30

Heck there were a lot of typos in that last post! Sorry! Blush

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