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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I feel like the black sheep of the In Laws

34 replies

Soosiesue · 03/10/2018 12:45

This sounds silly but it is upsetting me. I’ve always felt treated differently amongst my “in laws”. We aren’t married but we have been together 4 years. A few horrible things have happened me and they have never asked am I ok, or how am I doing. I always had this niggling feeling I just wasn’t treated the same as the other DILs and SILs. It was my birthday last week and neither his parents or siblings wished me a happy birthday. I know his mum has everyone else’s birthdays on a calendar. He’s reminded them about my birthday on other years so they have been told when it was. I send every one of his siblings, BILs, SILs and nieces and nephews a card and present. Is it silly to be upset about not even getting a text? It’s the principle of not feeling good enough to be remembered. Maybe it’s because we aren’t married and don’t have children, when all the rest do. We do own a house together. My partner doesn’t understand

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/10/2018 13:02

You have every right to be upset here and your birthday should be remembered anyway by his mother. After all he has made reminders to them. Do you know what their response was?.

How are they with you when you do see them?.

However, your partner as always is key here. What is he like?
What does he think of his parents behaviours here?. Is he a man or a mouse?. Does he fear them more than you, is he still even as an adult seeking their approval?. If he is doing that you have far more reaching problems than them forgetting your birthday. He must have your back here, after all his primary loyalty should be to you. You state on one hand he has reminded them about your birthday but the last sentence of yours says that he does not understand. You mention his mother here mainly, is his dad still around?. What is he doing?.

I would cease sending cards and presents to these wider family members; that is his task here to do and not yours anyway to undertake. Your own boundaries in this regard need further raising urgently. Do not let yourself be so taken advantage of.

SandyY2K · 03/10/2018 13:03

For some people...if you're not married...it's not deemed serious or that you're committed enough.

If you have your own family who value you, you need to not let this bother you.

If they don't remember your birthday...then ignore theirs.

They may be thinking that after 4 years together...if their DS loved you and wanted a commitment...........you'd be married.

Do you send a card to all those from you and him? Or just from you?

Do the BILS and SILS send you a card or text? If not..stop sending to them?

Original poster

Soosiesue · 03/10/2018 13:12

Thank you for your reply I send cards and presents from us as a couple/family. I’m not a person who believes that marriage is the be all and end all, to me it is a nice tradition but I don’t feel it makes anyone’s relationship any better, and they know this, so I don’t think they are expecting marriage from us, but I wouldn’t like to be treated differently because of it. No they don’t send a text. They don’t even know when it is - I think that’s what hurts the most, that they’ve never thought to ever ask

OP posts:

Original poster

Soosiesue · 03/10/2018 13:15

My partner didn’t remind his parents this year, he reminded them a previous year so they sent a card. What I’m upset about is that his mum didn’t then put it in her calendar with all the other family birthday. His dad is there, I didn’t mention him because his mum would be the one who organises all those types of things. My partner understands that I’m upset I haven’t got a card, he just can’t inderstand why I let it make me feel not good enough, or why I’m so upset.
I don’t want to stop sending cards and presents, especially to the nieces and nephews because I love sending cards to people. It’s nice to get something in the post that isn’t a bill, and I love remembering peoples occasions

OP posts:

Havaina · 03/10/2018 14:04

OP, you're sending cards and presents to 10 or more people every year who send you nothing back. They are actively excluding you.

Stop being a passive mug and stop sending them cards and presents.

All this 'you don't give to receive' stuff is bollocks when the whole family seem to have decided to ignore your birthdays.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/10/2018 14:07

You're really sending cards to meet your own people pleasing needs. You do not need to send such to people who really could not care less whether or not you sent them. You are being excluded and its their issue here, not yours to be responsible for.

sarahjaneg · 03/10/2018 14:15

It's a horrible situation to be in, but if its any consolation, I'm the black sheep of my own family!

fantasmasgoria1 · 03/10/2018 14:50

You are not being unreasonable. I have been in this position with my ex. Whilst my ex in-laws gave me a gift at Christmas and birthdays I was treated completely differently to my sil. Mil would slag off sil but treated her like her daughter and I was treated as not good enough. Stop sending cards etc.

Original poster

Soosiesue · 03/10/2018 14:57

We send them as a family, and they do send texts, cards and presents to my partner so I don’t think I am being a “passive mug” for counting myself as a family with partner and including my name. Especially to the nieces and nephews. Would it not be excluding myself more if I just removed my name from everything as if I didn’t exist?

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 03/10/2018 15:24

They are HIS family.
Why are YOU buying their presents and cards?
I'll honestly, never understand this mindset.
All my Ex's have managed to buy cards for their own family members.
Why isn't your OH capable of it????

SandAndSea · 03/10/2018 15:31

Does everyone also send cards to the male partners? I'm just thinking this could be a wifework issue?

Aprilislonggone · 03/10/2018 15:35

After Christmas put all the money you would have spent on the ungrateful fuckers into a jar and have yourself a mini break!!

Original poster

Soosiesue · 03/10/2018 15:35

He is totally capable of it, and did it when he was single, but I enjoy it, I like picking cards, wrapping presents, writing the cards and posting them. He gives me the money for the cards, gifts and postage. I never said he wasn’t capable.

OP posts:

Original poster

Soosiesue · 03/10/2018 15:38

When it comes to my relatives, I put his name on too because we are a family. I pay for my family and friends, he pays for his, but both our names go on it. That’s not the issue here. It’s whether I am silly to feel excluded from his family over all these wee things. My family include him

OP posts:

Original poster

Soosiesue · 03/10/2018 15:41

Hi SandandSea - they are actually all heading off next month on a break for a son in laws birthday. We can’t make it because of work but everyone else is going

OP posts:

worstmotherintheworld · 03/10/2018 15:44

I would leave your partner to send the cards and gifts to his side of the family if he wants to. I am sure that you arrange the gifts for your own relations, don't you? It's not nice that they don't think of you but I wouldn't waste any headspace over it. You don't need to actively remove your name from cards, if your partner sends things he can send them from the 2 of you. I thin you will feel better if you leave this type of thing up to him otherwise you will understandably feel upset if you make the effort and they don't.

Havaina · 03/10/2018 15:44

We send them as a family, and they do send texts, cards and presents to my partner so I don’t think I am being a “passive mug” for counting myself as a family with partner and including my name.

You are a family with your partner, absolutely. But they're not treating you like family, unfortunately. They take your cards and presents year after year but send you nothing back unless forced by your partner. When you keep sending cards and presents, they think you're happy taking the treatment they're dishing out.

Especially to the nieces and nephews. Would it not be excluding myself more if I just removed my name from everything as if I didn’t exist?

No, you'd be simply letting your partner do the sending. He can include your name if he wants to.

But he's not capable of standing up for his partner and asking them why they exclude you? Instead he is passive with them and tells you that he doesn't understand why you are upset. Maybe miss his birthday one year and let him see how it feels to be left out?

Does he open his cards and presents from his family in front of you?

bakingdemon · 03/10/2018 15:45

How long have you lived together? I didn't send my brother's girlfriend birthday presents when they'd been together four years, nor did my mum - I think it took until they were engaged for us to do that because that was an important signal in our family that she really was joining the family.

Original poster

Soosiesue · 03/10/2018 15:47

Thanks everyone

OP posts:

Tinawithtwoboys · 03/10/2018 15:53

I'm the black sheep of the family, I've been married to my husband for almost 15 years and we have two children with a third on its way. They haven't changed.

They won't change now, the only way I have "survived" is by trying my best not to let their negativity ruin my fun.

I try not to see them too often, and sit gritting my teeth at lunch if we do need to see them. My husband? Whom is almost 40 still seeks their attention and validation, which is why things haven't ever got better. No one likes their in laws, maybe it's time to let the nonsense go over your head. Life's too short 💜💜💜💜

Original poster

Soosiesue · 03/10/2018 16:07

My partner doesn’t seek their attention and validation, he doesn’t run after them or anything like that, which maybe they are blaming me for, and that’s part of their problem. I don’t know.
I’ll try not to let it get to me, and I’ll try not to take it personally

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 03/10/2018 16:45

Sadly while you see them as family, they don't see you as family.

You can't change how they feel. Marriage may not be a thing for you but it may be for them.

I don't think my parents would see a BF as part of the family either. To them its not permanent and they wouldn't recognise a relationship other than marriage as serious.

...they probably think he's just sticking your name on the gifts/cards and they're from him.

He sent them these things when he was single ... and they could think he's just asked you to do the buying.

I like picking cards, wrapping presents, writing the cards and posting them.

It's your issue...and you need to deal with it within yourself.

Don't you have your own family members to send cards and gifts to?

Original poster

Soosiesue · 03/10/2018 16:53

Yes I’ve said above, we send to my relatives as a family too. Everything is from us, not just me, and we both sign our own names and write our own little message

OP posts:

Havaina · 03/10/2018 16:56

Not sure what you want from this thread, OP? You don't seem to want to try and change things. They're not going to magically wake up one day and start including you.

BarbarianMum · 03/10/2018 18:27

Excluding you is not kind. I suggest you make less effort w them to protect yourself.

On a separate note, marriage is not just a "nice tradition". It is a legally-binding contract which sets out rules for the protection of both parties. This is particularly important wrt the division of assets in case of divorce or death. If you dont want to marry, then at least be clear about what (legal protection) it is you dont have.

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